Dear Evil Editor,
Eighteen-year-old Mea Gwen is a 22nd-century dynasty kid (basically, she was born into a billionaire family). She has all the tools to thrive in a power-hungry society consumed by money, booze, and virtual realities. But she couldn’t care less. She would rather join America’s first Intragalactic Pioneer Program and spend the rest of her life [in] space.
But before she can reach the stars, Mea’s kidnapped by the Reformers, a terrorist group led by the creators of an annoyingly popular VR game. To prove that the elite aren’t untouchable, the Reformers force the richest of the rich to compete in their newest game, and the only way to survive is to win. Determined to get back home, Mea promises to do whatever it takes to reach the number one spot.
Soon Mea discovers that the Reformers are being exploited for a larger political conspiracy, and they’re only [at?] level one toward the ultimate goal — authoritarian control of America. Level two: starting a war that would break an already divided country. Now Mea could either follow their rules to save herself, or she could risk her life trying to expose who’s really out to destroy America.
A PAWN OF SEDITION is a 90,000-word Young Adult science fiction novel with culturally diverse characters. It will appeal to fans of Warcross by Marie Lu and The Thousandth Floor series by Katherine McGee.
Thank you for your consideration,
Notes
Saying they're only at level one doesn't mean much unless we know how many levels there are. More compelling would be to say they are only one level from their ultimate goal. But apparently they are more than one level away?
So level 1 of the conspirators' plan is to convince the creators of a video game to kidnap billionaires and force them to play The Hunger Games, and level 2 is to start a new American civil war? I can sort of buy level 1 if the Reformers were already a terrorist group before the conspirators decided to exploit them, but level 2 seems like a huge escalation from level 1. Like there would have to be a few levels in between.
Of course the book may make all of this seem more believable than the query can.
Notes
Saying they're only at level one doesn't mean much unless we know how many levels there are. More compelling would be to say they are only one level from their ultimate goal. But apparently they are more than one level away?
So level 1 of the conspirators' plan is to convince the creators of a video game to kidnap billionaires and force them to play The Hunger Games, and level 2 is to start a new American civil war? I can sort of buy level 1 if the Reformers were already a terrorist group before the conspirators decided to exploit them, but level 2 seems like a huge escalation from level 1. Like there would have to be a few levels in between.
Of course the book may make all of this seem more believable than the query can.
1 comment:
Hey author. I like most everything after she's kidnapped. The beginning still feels a bit bogged down in setup - but that could be my personal preference. I really like queries that start with the main character doing something rather than just being something.
Little quibbles that I think weaken the query:
* The contradiction between wanting to spend life in space and being determined to get back home is confusing.
* Two sentences ending with "America" feel like dull word use rather than a trick for emphasis.
* The intergalactic stuff doesn't seem connected to the plot.
In the 22nd century, billionaire's daughter Mea Gwen is just starting Intragalactic Pioneer training when she's kidnapped by the Reformers, a terrorist group led by the creators of an annoyingly popular virtual reality game. To prove that the elite aren’t untouchable, the Reformers force the richest of the rich to compete in their newest game, and the only way to survive is to win.
Of course Mea's determined to survive. But when she makes it through level one, she realizes that the Reformers are being exploited for a larger political conspiracy, and the end game is authoritarian control of 900 million Americans. Level two could start a war that would break an already divided country.
If Mea plays the way she's supposed to, she can save herself. But her space travel smarts could help her hack the game. Should Mea risk breaking the rules - and losing her life - to expose who’s really out to destroy America?
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