“My name is Laranius, son of Lavernius,” said the lich in the slightly-faded green robe. “But everyone calls me Larry.”
And he smiled.
I think.
“So, uh, Laran—Larry,” I began, “What brings you here?”
You don’t usually see many liches. For one, they generally keep to themselves, where they can create weird magic. And for another, they don’t really blend. Sure, some are really skinny, pale people, like attenuated vampires; but most look like a decaying mummy, or a skeleton. Larry, as far as I could tell, was a skeleton.
Larry shifted in his chair. “Well, sir, the groom at Brad the Impaler’s said you needed a necromancer, and since Brad had just let me go, this sounded like a good place to come.”
Now, I know Brad. He’s usually a pretty chill guy. Why would he kick out a perfectly good lich?
Just then my lady, my wife, the love of my life Dorene swept into the room, resplendent in her blue and silver gown, her auburn gold hair flying and her face like thunder. “Doug!,” she said to me. “That stupid girl dropped all my hairpins down the privy!” She stopped when she saw Larry. “Oh, hello,” she said.
Larry stood. With an exaggerated bow, he said, “My name is Laranius, son of Lavernius. But you may call me Larry.” Little silvery sparkles danced from his gloved fingers.
“Welcome,” she said as she took her seat at my side. “What can we do for you, Larry?”
"We're here to get rid of any dead animals or people you might have lying around."
"We?" Dorene said.
Just then two more liches entered the room. Larry said, "There's three of us. I'm Laranius. This is my brother Darylius, and that's my other brother Darylius."
Opening: Khazar-khum.....Continuation: Evil Editor
5 comments:
I don't think you lose anything by making the first three paragraphs one paragraph.
I would reverse the order of paragraphs 4 and 5.
Paragraph 5: Delete "usually" and "generally." "They don't blend" could be interpreted as a reason you would see liches. People who blend aren't noticed, while those who don't blend draw attention. Presumably you're saying they don't go out in public because they don't blend.
You ask Larry what he wants, and he answers, and then Dorene comes in and asks him what he wants. It might be more efficient if Dorene was already in the room the first time the question was asked, possibly by making paragraph 8 paragraph 1.
Putting all of this together, you'd have something like:
Dorene, my lady, my wife, the love of my life, swept into the room, resplendent in her blue and silver gown, her auburn gold hair flying and her face like thunder. “Doug!” she said to me. “That stupid girl dropped all my hairpins down the privy!” She stopped when she saw the lich in the slightly-faded green robe. “Oh, hello,” she said.
The lich stood. With an exaggerated bow, he said, “My name is Laranius, son of Lavernius. But you may call me Larry.” Little silvery sparkles danced from his gloved fingers. And he smiled. I think.
You don’t see many liches. They stay out of the public eye, possibly because people tend to stare when you look like an attenuated vampire or a decaying mummy or a skeleton. Larry was a skeleton.
Dorene took her seat at my side. “What can we do for you, Larry?”
He shifted in his chair. “Well, the groom at Brad the Impaler’s said you needed a necromancer, and since Brad had just let me go, this sounded like a good place to come.”
Now, I know Brad. He’s usually a pretty chill guy. Why would he kick out a perfectly good lich?
My thought and suggestions:
I don't think the you need to be this explicit test with names. The story is just starting and the reader has to get used to your world. You have a narrator and a "lich" and you don't need much more information for only the opening 50 words. Names can be revealed in the next few pages.
What if you started with that 5th line and put it last in the paragraph:
Sure, some are really skinny, pale people, like attenuated vampires; but most look like a decaying mummy, or a skeleton. Larry, as far as I could tell, was a skeleton. You don’t usually see many liches. For one, they generally keep to themselves, where they can create weird magic. And for another, they don’t really blend.
And then the narrator can ask: "Why are you here?"
And the Lich's answer about "Brad." (an aside, why is the Lich seated and the Lord of the House standing? I would think it's the other way around)
I also wouldn't begin the interruption by Lady Doreen with the two words "Just then." A grand lady love and wife "sweeping into the room" to piss and moan about the maid losing her hairpins is like grand and overblown elegance... It is a bit of comedy or at least incongruity that might be better served by her being more formal the merely "Doug."
I'll ask the question this way -- are the Lord and Lady of the Manor informal with their guests and servants or are they slightly overblown upper class twits or are they very formal like the Queen of England in the movie "Shakespeare in Love" ???
I liked the narrator's voice and would have read on.
This looks like a good starting place to me. I like the situation enough to read on, but the text isn't really pulling at me. Maybe if you tightened it up a bit?
I LOVED the continuation.
Thanks for all your insights. They do need to be a bit more formal with their guests. As a powerful necromancer, Larry outranks everyone but a king. After all, he can blast you to fertilizer if you don't agree.
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