Wednesday, May 17, 2017

New Beginning 1068


"Elizabeth? Elizabeth! Where are you?" Mama sang from downstairs. I giggled, backing deeper beneath the bed. She won't find me here!

Just then, my door creaked open, and I heard her slippers sliding on the hardwood floor. When she walked in front of me, I covered my mouth to keep from giggling.

"Ellie? Oh my, where could that girl be?" Her laughter filled my room with joy, giving me another reason to bite down my chuckles. I squeezed my Mr. Sheep toy, holding my breath as she stood motionless. Does she know I'm here?

Mama slowly bent down until her curly locks were brushing against my rug. She peeked under the bed and smiled when she spotted me. "Found you, princess. C'mon, it's time for bed."

Her arms stretched towards me, making me back further and shake my head. "But I don't wanna!"

She smiled playfully. "Hm, I see. Then, I guess you don't want to say goodnight to your friends either? I bet they'll be real lonely sleeping in the dark without you."

"Oh, no!" Mama's right! I have to protect them from the monsters. I'm not tired yet, but that's okay. They need me.

As I started to crawl toward Mama, Mr. Sheep struggled to break free from my grasp. "I'm not getting in bed with Farmer Brown again," he said. "That guy's a pervert."


Opening: Natanne Norman.....Continuation: jcwrites

7 comments:

Evil Editor said...

This sounds like a picture book for four-year-olds. Partly because the narrator seems no older than that, partly because of the vocabulary, and partly because anyone older would find it slow. Is it? Whoever your audience is, if this is where you must start, I'd cut it down to something like:

I heard the sound of Mama climbing the stairs. She came into my room and said, "Time for bed, princess."

I shook my head and clutched Mr. Sheep. "But I'm not tired!"

"Hm, I see. Well, I guess you don't want to say goodnight to your friends? I bet they'll be lonely sleeping in the dark without you."

She was right, as usual. I had to protect them from the monsters.

マリンカカリンカ said...

The thing is, this is a short horror story, so I'm pretty glad the beginning is so innocent. Otherwise, I'll simplify it where I can!

Chelsea P. said...

I agree that the wording felt young, but I still found myself sucked into the story. The vibe was really cute and sweet, and I would totally keep reading to watch things go terribly wrong. One nit: I think the kid would just say "Mr. Sheep" instead of describing it as a toy, so maybe "I clutched Mr. Sheep to my chest" or something?

:)

Mister Furkles said...

The writing is good. Only one complaint from me: Paragraph one ends with Mama downstairs and paragraph two begins with "Just then my door creaked open..." So, did Mama teleport there? Maybe it should have read: "Moments later..."

I guess it's still okay for horror start low key as long as there is reason for the reader to know horror is coming. But too much low key is very boring.

マリンカカリンカ said...

Ohh, I didn't notice that! Thank you (*´∀`)

Don't worry, right after that lil Elizabeth says something not quite right about Mr. Sheep.

マリンカカリンカ said...

Thank you! Noted. :>

I've had a hard time capturing the voice of a something-year old child, so I'm glad it held your attention. \(◎o◎)/

St0n3h3ng3 said...

It's good. There's actually a little too much playfulness, though. It's one thing to describe a scene that's playful, it's another to keep saying how playful and innocent it is. It's sort of like talking down to the reader. If you've described it properly, we already know.

I'd leave out the mom's laughter. Moms rarely laugh in these situations, but kids giggle constantly. You don't really need to use giggle twice, though. We get that she's giggling. Also, do not use the word playful or playfully. That's telling what you've already shown.

For instance:


"Elizabeth? Elizabeth! Where are you?" Mama sang from downstairs. I giggled, backing deeper beneath the bed. She won't find me here!

Just then, my door creaked open, and I heard her slippers sliding on the hardwood floor. When she stopped in front of me, I covered my mouth to keep quiet.

"Ellie? Oh my, where could that girl be?" I squeezed my Mr. Sheep toy, holding my breath. Does she know I'm here?

Mama slowly bent down until her curly locks were brushing against my rug. She peeked under the bed and smiled when she spotted me. "Found you, princess! C'mon, it's time for bed."

Her arms stretched towards me. I shook my head, trying to look serious. "But I don't wanna!"

"Hm, I see." She pulled Mr. Bear down from my bed, made him "walk" to me. "Then, I guess you don't want to say goodnight to your friends either? I bet they'll be real lonely sleeping in the dark without you."

"Oh, no!" Mama's right! I have to protect them from the monsters. I'm not tired yet, but that's okay. They need me.
I grabbed Mr. Bear and crawled out.

(Note: I was just assuming her friends are stuffed toys.)