Dear Evil Editor,
When Nolan of Greenbrook stumbles upon a glowing crystal from the sky, he gains magical powers but attracts unwanted attention of the worst sort from the immortal Eldest. To the Eldest, the humans he rules are no better than insects [rats?], to be killed if they annoy him or experimented on if they interest him. And Nolan's magic interests him very much. The Eldest has him captured so he can be studied, a process that always ends in an agonizing death.
As Nolan languishes in prison waiting to be taken to the Eldest, he turns to [hones] his newfound magic for help [magical skills]. What begins [began?] as nothing more than creating blue light quickly develops into the ability to move small objects with his mind. Armed with these powers Nolan picks locks, blinds guards, and leads a daring escape. Once free he takes flight along with his fellow escapees, searching for a place beyond the Eldest's reach.
The Eldest will not give Nolan up easily, and his servants pursue Nolan and his companions at every turn [relentlessly]. [As] Nolan fights off each attack, and even as he flees his magic grows stronger. He gains the ability to deflect arrows, spy on his foes from a distance, and strike them down without touching them. Yet no matter how powerful he becomes Nolan is just one man, and the Eldest's army of genetically-engineered monsters has never been defeated.
Now Nolan has no place left to hide. The Eldest is closing [closes] in on him [Nolan], and he no longer cares about taking him alive. Pursued to the very ends of the earth [and hopelessly outnumbered,] Nolan makes a startling discovery: his magic can be spread to others. If he survives long enough to train his companions, Nolan can finally stop running.
The Eldest has never been defeated... but he has never faced an army of mages. [How many mages constitute an army?]
ETHERFALL is a 122K-word fantasy that will appeal to readers of Brandon Sanderson or E. E. Knight. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Notes
I've made a few suggestions for additions/deletions. Whether you you use any or all or none, this is a big improvement.
5 comments:
I like the suggestions EE has made. Overall I think the query is good. The only thing I would add is to take out that last paragraph about an army of mages. That sentiment is implied in the previous paragraph in a more subtle way. Well done!
What happens to the crystal?
jcwrites, the crystal gets picked up by the Eldest before he finds Nolan and doesn't show up in the novel again.
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I think I have a much better shot with the new query. Now I just have to move some stuff around and make the novel match the query...
InevitablePlotTwist: There has to be a better name for your bad guy than 'Eldest'. Eldest what? 'Eldest' is inconclusive. It could be a person or a group of people, male or female; there's no way to tell. But 'Tsedle' is an individual, and it seems like you want an individual bad guy, not a collection.
I'd say, take note of the suggestions offered and your query will be a winner.
Good job.
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