Sunday, January 08, 2017

Face-Lift 1341

Guess the Plot

The Ratline

1. An oddly dressed pop star with sinister motives starts a new dance craze in this modern retelling of The Pied Piper.

2. A cabin boy rises to the rank of captain, all over the course of a month. Includes mermaids, floating stones,  singing sails and living thunderstorms.

3. CIA operative Joe Goralski is charged with tracking down Nazis as they scatter across postwar Europe, uncovering the secret routes that funnel Nazis and their collaborators through the Vatican to safe havens around the world.

4.  Col. Bill Saperstein is charged with tracing the escape routes of dangerous Nazis into South America. Armed with the Spear of Destiny, Crown of Charlemagne and Excalibur, he fights his way across jungles while battling hostile tribes, to the Nazis' secret base in Argentina.

5. This blood red beverage comes in a charmingly-shaped, exquisitely-tinted grey glass bottle. The flavor is heady enough to remind one of the fevers of the bubonic plague. What? You didn't order Rat Wine? Then may I offer you a bottle of '98 Dom Perignon?

6. Rapunzel, exiled and alone, has finally found work on a ship. Her braids are the strongest ropes any man has ever climbed. What did she do wrong? Loving two princes felt so right. Will the captain rescue her before the seamen realize she's the only woman on the ship?

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Newly-minted CIA operative Joe Goralski likes his job, and he’s good at [it], too. Tracking down Nazis as they scatter across postwar Europe, he’s continuing the good work he left unfinished during the war. Fearsome Yugoslavian resistance fighter Ava, who lost everything in the war, works alongside him to bring the most brutal masterminds of the Fascist regimes to justice. Together, they uncover the secret ratlines that funnel Nazis and their collaborators through the Vatican to safe havens around the world.

When he follows the ratlines to their source, he discovers the CIA bringing the very men he’s been hunting into the fold. As the official focus shifts from rounding up fascists to battling communists, Ava herself becomes a target. [Because she's a communist?] Goralski is torn between helping Ava seek justice against the Croatian bishop who exterminated her family, and collaborating with his new ex-Nazi associates to fight the spread of Communism in Europe. [Reversing the order of the two options would make it clear the "his" refers to Goralski (if it refers to the bishop, I would change "his" to "the bishop's").]

Goralski mistrusts his government’s agenda, Ava grows suspicious of his CIA connections, and he questions her real motives and endgame. When Ava vanishes one night in Rome, Goralski must choose whether to find her for his government, for himself, or for her own safety. [He can worry about why he found her if he finds her. Why must he choose first?] But maybe she doesn’t want to be found. [Or maybe she was killed by the Russian spy known only as "Eyebrows." Did he even consider that?]

THE RATLINE is a standalone historical thriller with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


The original version sounds pretty good to me. 

While opening with the plot is usually preferable, in this case it might be better to open with the historical context. If the reader thinks you made up the Vatican ratline, she may decide the whole thing is preposterous. Something like:

In 1948, Nazi war criminals were still scrambling to get out of Europe, many via the so-called Vatican "ratline," which helped hundreds (thousands?) escape to South America. My novel The Ratline follows Joe Goralski, an agent of the newly formed CIA, and Yugoslavian resistance fighter Ava   ___________,  as, each with their own agenda, they work together to track down the brutal masterminds of the Fascist regime.

Then continue with each MC's motivation and the resulting conflict.


Anonymous said...

I want to read this!

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

I think this is fine just as it is.

IHT said...

Author here.
Thanks for the positive response! This is my first time trying to write a query and I was pretty nervous about submitting it.

I definitely prefer EE's opening to the one I had: more info, better sense of urgency. And yes, Ava is basically a communist. The Yugoslavian partisan resistance was Soviet-backed, and led by Josip Broz Tito. The question is whether she's primarily motivated by her personal vendetta, or has been dispatched by the communists to "play" Goralski. I'll try to work that into a few words in the query.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), writing the query has made me embark on a pretty comprehensive rewrite to improve these plot lines, and deemphasize some of the secondary plot lines. Hope to have an opening ready to post before long.

And GTP #1 is hilarious. I might not read the book, but I'd definitely go see the movie.

khazar-khum said...

This sounds good. And people love them some Nazi thrillers.