The author of the opening featured in New Beginning 1061 requests feedback on the following revision:
Blisters. Again.
My entire body was covered in them: pus-filled, bursting, itching boils. They could’ve attacked when I was at home, or later, during my appointment. But no. Striking when I was sitting in the dermatology clinic, waiting for the doctor, was much funnier, right?. Other patients had zits, warts, and strange-looking birthmarks, but I was different. because One moment my skin was smooth, and two minutes later – all covered in blisters. [new paragraph] I knew my condition could freak people out, so I did what I usually do when I break out in public – I ran to a place with nobody around: the clinic’s back parking lot. Adri followed.
“Wow, Daniel!” she said. “Did you come [out] here to call Mom and tell her that you’re covered in blisters? D'you want her to [again, in hopes that she'll] bake you another chocolate cake?”
“Wow, Adri! Did you figure it [that] out all by yourself?”
She scowled. “Let’s go [back] in.”
“I can’t go in. Not looking like this.”
“I don’t care, ‘cuz [It's too hot out here,” she said. “] I’m burning up!”
The temperature was already in the nineties, but Adri had nothing to complain about. and My blistered body sweated [was sweating] under my long-sleeved shirt and pants [, while she was] wearing a pink mini and tank top.
"You're gonna miss your turn," [she told me.]
5 comments:
I've suggested what I would add and remove. Mostly minor stuff you can ignore if you wish.
I love it, thank you! But how is it overall? Less confusing this time?
It's much better. Of course, as most of the changes you made were suggested by us, we'd feel silly to say otherwise,
Does he have an appointment or is he waiting in line? "Miss your turn" sounds more like he got there and took a number....
Anonymous: Most people at clinics check in first, but whether they have an appointment or not, they won't wait forever for you if you're not there when they call your name. So you could very well miss your turn.
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