The woman pushed her cup forward on the sidewalk and tucked her bare feet under her blanket. A new swell of commuters spilled out of the underground, blinked in the morning light, and rushed past her. She fixed her eyes on the sidewalk and pulled her shawl forward over her face as a businessman in a Louis Vuitton suit aimed a two Euro coin at her cup. It missed and rolled away to land just out of arm’s reach. The woman ignored it.
At 8.15am a man wearing runners and pushing a buggy slowed to a stop in front of the woman. She lifted her shawl a little and narrowed her eyes. He was young, with bright cheeks and a scar under his left eye.
“I only have two Euro,” the jogger said.
The woman nodded her head. “A croissant only costs one.”
The jogger knelt down to fish around in the storage compartment under his pram. “You said you had something of interest to our organization?” he asked.
“I have the names of ten American agents,” said the woman. “I want three million dollars.”
“We’ll pay two.”
"Deal," the woman said.
The jogger wrestled a large black duffel bag out of the storage compartment, biceps straining against the weight. He tossed it on the sidewalk. "Cash okay?"
She handed him a folded piece of paper and confirmed that the bag was filled with cash.
He unfolded the paper and looked over the list:
1. Miss Snark
2. Hannah Rogers
3. Kristin Nelson
4. Janet Reid
5. Irene Goodman
6. Donald Maass
7. Erin Niumata
8. Curtis Brown
9. William Morris
10. Jenny Bent
"Hey, just one minute," he said. "Two of these people are the same person." He looked up to find the woman long gone.
Oh well, he thought, the joke's on her. We were willing to go as high as 2.5 million.
Opening: Libby.....Continuation: Anonymous
4 comments:
A good opening to a story.
I have a suggestion about the flow of words in the first paragraph and the beginning sentence of the second paragraph. It seems to stop and linger on the wrong thoughts. It has all the right words but they don't seem to flow for me.
I rearranged them rather than explain it. One of the ways I edit is to force myself to be briefer, use fewer words and tighten the action that occurs. Briefer is better in many cases, not all cases, but many... I didn't see a need for the time of day. If you need that for the plot, then put it back. Also, rather than using "the woman" as many times, I used "she." Simply because there's only one woman in the opening and I presume she's got a major role.
Morning commuters spilled out of the underground, blinked in the bright light, and rushed past a woman on the sidewalk. She tucked her bare feet under her blanket, adjusted her shawl forward, pushed her cup forward, and lowered her eyes. A businessman in a Louis Vuitton suit aimed a two Euro coin at her cup. It missed, landing just out of arm’s reach. She ignored it.
A second man wearing runners and pushing a buggy slowed to a stop in front of the woman. She lifted her shawl a little and narrowed her eyes. He was young, with bright cheeks and a scar under his left eye.
The rest is your words.
Not necessarily bothersome, but "a swell of commuters blinked" sounds off. Possibly it's better to leave off "a swell of" or to leave off "blinked in the morning light." Considering how well-lit the underground is, and that at 8 AM the sun would be blocked by skyscrapers, maybe it's best to dump the blinking phrase.
Assuming this is in the woman's POV, is it that easy for her to tell it's a Louis Vuitton suit?
“You said you had something of interest to our organization?” Surely she's already told them exactly what she has, since he's already prepared with a specific offer.
Is this guy the rogue agent from the Spy Girl query we just did? Is it the same list of names? Seems like a rogue agent would already know the names of some other agents, and wouldn't be buying them. If this woman is selling the list, what good will it do for Sacha to stop the rogue agent from selling it? How would they know the woman doesn't have other copies of the list she's peddling to other organizations? Just, asking; I'm sure it's all clear in the book.
Dave: Thanks for commenting. I agree about the flow and the use of "the woman." Thanks for your help.
EE: Yep, it's the Spy Girl story. The woman is the rogue agent and the jogger is the negotiator. The list isn't sold in this first chapter -- it's just the initial negotiation. She gives them a name to prove that she's authentic. He agrees that if it checks out, she'll get the three million. The word "agents" should have read "NOCs."
Yes, I'll leave off "blinked in the morning light".
You're right -- it wouldn't be easy to tell that it's a Louis Vuitton suit. I'll change it.
In answer to your last question: the jogger negotiates an exclusive. The terrorist organization wants to use the names for their own purposes, not have someone else swoop in on them. The organization is powerful enough that the rogue agent wouldn't double cross them. Of course, the MC doesn't know this until the end of the novel, but she still needs to capture the rogue agent.
Thanks so much for all your help! If you're not sick of me, I'll post my synopsis up too.
Not part of the critique but many years ago, I had occasion to walk 42nd Street in New York near Second Avenue (The Socony Mobil Building) when the subway let out.
A crowd disgorged from the steps of the subway and spread from one edge of the sidewalk to the other twelve to fifteen abreast in one direction and determined to reach their apartments. It was like a wall of people. They didn't trample everything in sight (just the winos and panhandlers) and it was like that entire 42nd street station exploded people onto the sidewalk.
SO when the opening says - - a "Swell of commuters" I see that memory.
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