I've been a valet for four days, and hated every second of it.
‘Chin up, Collins. You’re not at a funeral.’
Lord Alfred Gordon Byron Lyte Cadogan. A long name for a long pedigree that would look better on a dog than a man. He holds out his arm. The creases in his shirtsleeve are so perfect they’re almost a work of art. I think about stabbing him with the cufflinks, but instead thread them through his sleeves. He fastens them himself, which is a miracle, as I have to do practically everything else for him.
I hate rich people. I hate wizards. Most wizards are also rich. I don’t know why that is. Maybe the poor don’t have enough time to wonder about the existence of the supernatural or magical. Maybe the wizards have a system where one has to live in Kensington or Belgravia to discover their innate magical talent. Either way, they’re all snobs. I think they take extra delight in hiding from the rest of the world. A secret club that only the privileged and well-bred even know about, and only a handful of people are able to join.
Cadogan flicks his hand in my direction. ‘Collins. Jacket.’
Thanks!
Fuck you and your jacket.
'And now, it's time for the fox hunt. So I'm turning you into a hound dog. If you corner the fox there will be a nice biscuit for you.
'And Collins, I advise you not to poop on the oriental carpet. You'll just have to clean it up when I transform you into the maid.'
'As you wish, My Lord.' Fuck you and your carpet.
'Apparently you've forgotten, Collins, that wizards can read minds. After the hunt, I'll be changing you into a hot eighteen-year-old nymph and I will fuck you.'
Opening: Alice Smales.....Continuation: Mister Furkles
5 comments:
Unchosen continuation:
'I won't be home for dinner,' he says, smoothing his cravat.
Fuck your dinner. And your cravat.
'I'm going to the theatre, then meeting Oscar Wilde at a hotel for, uh, drinks.'
Fuck the theatre, fuck Oscar Wilde. Oh wait, I already did. I turn and hide my grin. Keeping the secrets of the rich and famous, that's a skill I gained a long time ago.
--IMHO
I would change "which is a miracle, as I have to do practically everything else for him." to something along the lines of "the first act he's performed without my help since I got here."
Not clear what "Maybe the poor don’t have enough time to wonder about the existence of the supernatural or magical. Maybe the wizards have a system where one has to live in Kensington or Belgravia to discover their innate magical talent." has to do with why wizards are also rich.
Also, a person is more likely to wonder why a wizard is not rich than why most are rich. Wizards should have no trouble creating or stealing vast riches.
I would cut the paraph down to:
I hate rich people. I hate wizards. Most wizards are rich and they’re all snobs. They probably all belong to some secret club that only the privileged and well-bred even know about.
Not clear why the last two lines have extra space. If "Thanks" is Cadogan speaking it needs quotation marks. I would italicize Fuck you and your jacket.
I see two purposes to this opening. One to introduce your main character and the other to introduce his antipathy to hi job and wizards.
To accomplish those two purposes there are too many words.
A long name for a long pedigree that would look better on a dog than a man.
To me (IMHO) that sounds like a PBS documentary on the British Class system. My generations was Upstairs/Downstairs, the new on is Downton Abbey.
I would say:
A pedigree more suited to a dog than a man.
Because that brevity expresses more anger or dissatisfaction than the original.
Then when Cardigan calls for his jacket, the speaker can say something like "right away sir" and think "F U and your jacket." like you have which plays up the inner struggle between action and thoughts.
As a reader, I don't understand the significance of Kensington or Belgravia yet. Don't rush them into the opening. Introduce your two characters and bring that into their life later.
I'm curious whether the MC is a valet by choice. If so, my first thought is: find a better job. If not, as I suspect, you might want to work that in somehow. Not the whole story of how the MC came to be in that position, just a mention that it was forced upon him or he's stuck in it for now.
Also, maybe it's because I've been reading the Bartameous trilogy with the kids recently, but I also found it odd that the MC is wondering why wizards are rich. In most fantasy, wizards are equated with power, and even in real life power is equated with wealth. Tell the truth -- what's the first thing you would do if you had magical powers? I'm a guy so my answer might be different than yours, but after that I would take a nap and then find a way to make it pay. :)
I would remove the "Thanks!" It seems out of place. And as others said, italics or something to indicate that last line is a thought and not spoken. (And on that subject, great continuation!)
Thank you.
Oh my stars. . .
I should get my bifocals checked. My morning proofreading sank to nonexistent levels.
You got a nice opening author. Keep working it and the story.
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