SuessStory 7

When I was a little kid, just about three
I liked to have Daddy read stories to me
Pertaining to doggies or bunnies or mice
With everything happy and cozy and nice

Now twenty years later as I lie in bed
I look back again at the books Daddy read
I see them on levels I didn’t before
And see that those stories might be something more

As I was perusing those books of my past
I found some that left me agape and aghast
They had hidden meanings on every last page
Subliminal statements that filled me with rage

What author could merit such verbal abuse?
That lovable hate-able doctor named Seuss!
If you don’t believe me, I’ll now make you see
Just how controversial that doctor can be

Take Yertle the Turtle, whose constant obsession
With ultimate power caused brutal oppression
You wanna know why Doctor Seuss called him Yertle?
It’s just because Stalin does not rhyme with turtle!

And then there's The Lorax, who, with desperation
Attempted prevention of deforestation.
That’s noble and downright courageous indeed
Except for the fact that he doesn’t succeed!
What kind of a message does Doctor Seuss send?
“Hey kids, you’re all gonna fail in the end!”

Hop on Pop is a terrible book which I fear
Has problems that make themselves painfully clear
I don’t think my father would be very keen
On me using him as a live trampoline
Who knows just how many poor parents have died
Tragic victims of second degree Hopicide

Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Now that book is worse
It maps out your future in pictures and verse
Except that it lies to you, straight to your face
I mean, I for one haven’t gone anyplace
I’ll tell you what Seuss should have written instead:
“This life is a bitch and then one day you’re dead!”

And then there's the one book that makes me most ill
It’s that ungodly tale that takes place in Whoville
With a villain possessing an undersized heart
It’s a terrible insult to poetic art

Want to know why The Grinch is the book I malign?
Dr. Seuss makes up words in almost every line
If he starts a stanza and can’t seem to end it
He’ll think of a word and he’ll twist it and bend it
It’ll say something like “The Grinch took all their gadgets
And zoogle madingo dareefuh mawadgets!”

No matter what part of that story you read
It sounds as though Seuss had been smoking some weed
Also, you’d think that a doctor would know
If your heart grows three sizes your chest will explode

With stories that crazy and messed up and wild
I don't think that they should be read to a child
It may just sound cruel but the obvious fact is
That Dr. Seuss ought to be sued for malpractice!

--Evil Jr.