Evil Editor Classics

Face-Lift Excerpts, Part 3


Bellissa is troubled by feelings arising for a man that is not her Prince, and she begins to doubt her belief that there is only one person in the world that she could ever love. [She is, however, positive there are no more than two.] [Then the Dominos guy shows up.]


But the past captivated her from the minute her vacation started, and Lou found herself digging for clues in a three-hundred year old murder mystery. [Are you sure murder was considered a crime 300 years ago in Scotland?

Procurator: The woman murdered three people in cold blood. We have eyewitnesses.
Assistant: I know, sir, but what can we do?
Procurator: You're right, without a law against mur--Wait, we can charge her with witchcraft!
Assistant: Ah, Old Reliable. Brilliant, sir.]


But, they also allow magic to return, giving mankind the opportunity to do great evil, including raising the undead ... [Who are the undead? The dead? If so, are all of the dead undead? Or are just the living dead undead? In other words, can you raise the dead, or just the undead, and if the latter, can the dead become undead and then be raised? This would be less confusing if you'd just call them zombies.]


Gus shares a set of blueprints with Liza, blueprints of a flying machine that makes use of steamsteel, an unusual metal that violently heats up when exposed to water. [The maiden flight was going great until it started raining and all the passengers were roasted alive.]


When the killer strikes again, all evidence points to a computer game whose villains are the spawn of the ancient fallen angels.

[Three murders and we're not even close to solving them.
 
Actually, sir, I've pretty much determined that the murderer is Sephiroth, from Final Fantasy VII.]


Along the way, she teams up with an immature goat-boy, a cheerful child, an obnoxious woman and a glowing cluster of moths. [You can drop the cheerful child from the list, not only because alliteration is annoying, but because once you've mentioned the immature goat-boy, we won't care about any characters except the immature goat-boy.]


Ten year old Brooke writes in her journal about almost everything. Brooke writes about how hard spelling tests are in fifth grade and about how angry she is at her former best friend Kaitlyn.

[January 16

Faled anudder speling tessed. Fith grayed sux. If Caitlin wood lemme cheet offer payper Ide dew bedder. Sum frend.]


On her 100th birthday she's granted the biggest honor (and biggest burden) of all, to become the Peace Maker. [If you make it to a hundred, you're sure to get a few honorary degrees and lifetime achievement awards. It's not an honor or a burden, just society's way of saying, Sorry we forgot you existed for the past sixty years, now hurry up and die so we can forget you ever existed.]


Country lass Adrastea has received a proposal of marriage from Mor-Lath, God of the Dark. That is not the sort of news she wishes to share with the whole village ere they condemn her as a witch. [If I'm engaged to Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, villagers condemn me as a witch at their own peril.]


Luke is persistent. Like any good lawyer, he refuses to take no for an answer.

[Luke: Objection!

Judge: Overruled.

Luke: Bullshit!]


When a new job takes her to Key West, she falls for Joe, a complicated, tattooed musician who awakens a passion in Anne she never knew existed. [A passion for guys who hire tattoo artists to paint their skin. One thing I've always wondered about: is it the mere fact that a guy has tattoos that's attractive, or do they have to be cool tattoos? If the latter, shouldn't it be the person who drew the tattoo you're attracted to, rather than the person who acted as the canvas? I guess it's the same with any art form. I'm pretty sure I'll never get Christina Aguilera in the sack, so I settle for a relationship with someone who loves Christina Aguilera's singing as much as I do. The difference being that if you love some guy's tattoos, I'm pretty sure you'd have no trouble getting the tattoo artist in the sack.]


Jack arrives at a new foster home only to discover that his foster father, a mad professor, has sold him into servitude in purgatory. [Isn't it about time we overhauled the screening process for foster parenting?]


When Jacob learns to burn, fire consumes his family ties, fire sweeps the stages of all his crimes, fire eats flesh off his best friend's hand, the blaze atoning the betrayal. Fire forges a throne under the hot city lights. [If this were an actual submission to Evil Editor, fire would now be consuming the query letter.]


This is my first novel. The capstone for my Bachelor’s degree was a research project I conducted on Eastern Europe and the three countries (Albania, Serbia, and Moldova) used for the setting of my story. [Moldova's a country? When did that happen? Ah, research shows my geographical knowledge needs updating. Apparently their main claim to fame is the boy band O-zone, who came to prominence in 2004, when their hit song "Dragostea Din Tei," also known as "The Numa Numa Song," took over the #1 spot on the Eurochart Hot 100, replacing Eamon's "Fuck it (I Don't Want You Back)".]