Thursday, August 01, 2013

New Beginning 1009

"I'm rewriting Bible verses for my next book." Jonah said before taking a quick puff from his e-cig. "This will be my best book ever."

"Bible verses?" Lacey rolled her eyes. "That's about effing stupid."

"With great power comes great responsibility." Jonah looked up at Lacey and gave her a crooked smile.

"Stan Lee quoted Voltaire." Lacey smiled. Her face beautiful, even without makeup.

"Jesus said basically the same thing." Jonah turned back to his work.

"Prove it." Lacey put her hands on her hip, bent over and put her face directly in front of Jonah's.

Jonah looked into Lacey's emerald green eyes. The urge to touch her was strong. He had these feelings since the first time they met. If only he could place his lips on hers. But how could he? Especially since he recently discovered that she was his sister.

On the other hand, they were alone together. They did have a few hours to kill. Lacey was wearing those Daisy Dukes for a reason. And what the hell? The Bible was full of siblings getting it on. 

Opening: Uknowme.....Continuation: CavalierdeNuit


Evil Editor said...

Unchosen continuation:

"No one is going to publish that," said Lacey.

Jonah stopped his tapping on the pad. "Why?"

"Jonal and Laycee," she said. "Listen to yourself. No one is going to buy your stupid Mary Sue, self-insert, renamed Star Wars fanfic."

Jonah said nothing. Why, why, why did their father's last name just have to be Vader?


Evil Editor said...

P1: Comma after "book."

P2: Not sure what "about" is doing there.

P3: Not clear that Jonah is providing a sample from his book. Could just be talking about himself, in response to being called stupid. He could start by saying "Here's one," or "For example," or he could finish by saying "What do you think?"

P4: "That's Spiderman quoting Voltaire." would be better.

P7: I'd go with "He'd had...

Also, I don't get "especially." It suggests that there are other reasons, but other reasons would be inconsequential. I'd go with: But how could he, now that he'd discovered that she was his sister?

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

First line worked fine for me. I was rolling along until the following tripped me up.

"That's about effing stupid."

I had to stop and think. Do people really talk like that? Quite possibly they do, somewhere in the world. On we go.

On the next line, I'm derailed again. Why is the writer quoting Uncle Ben? Now I'm thinking about Spiderman. Why does he wear that red-and-blue bodystocking, anyway? It can't be comfortable. Move your leg and it pulls on your scalp.

At this point I'd probably stop reading. Your job in the opening is to draw readers into the story, so you want to avoid anything that draws them out of it.

IMHO said...

Color me confused. I would not read further, and any reader who did not recognize Spiderman's quote or 'Stan Lee' will be doubly lost. Like EE, I assumed para 3 was Jonah's response to Lacey, not an example of a rewritten Bible verse.

I get that Lacey is supposed to be beautiful, sassy, and intelligent - but to me she came across as obnoxious. I took an instant dislike to her character, not sure why.

khazar-khum said...

Bravo, Cav!

All I could picture were young teens, kids at that annoying stage where they think they know everything. Jonah the Geek, his sister, who's also a Geek. I was expecting an epic Geek slap fight over Uncle Ben, Stan Lee, and Marvel vs DC. Instead it turns into the Incest Theatre Hour. And at the point, any interest I had died.

Why not reveal she's his sister right up front? It's not like this is the entirety of the story, with the Shock Reveal right at the end.

CavalierdeNuit said...

"That's about effing stupid."

This confused me as well, and I was confused until I reached the last paragraph.

I'd read on because I want to know if he sleeps with his sister. If he's smoking an e-cig it means he's sort of a reformed bad boy, right?

Dave Fragments said...

I'd open with the dilemma you present in the very last line you sent EE.
Something like:
Jonah studied Lacey's face. She was too pretty, too witty, and too much his sister--a fact he'd just found out in the past few weeks.

I get a hint from the opening that he feels she isn't treating him as a brother but as a boyfriend and she thinks that he's capable of suddenly not seeing her as a sex object since the revelation of sisterhood. That appears to me to be the conflict between these characters.

I don't find creating Bible quotes for a book to be as compelling as his conflict with his emotions and her inability to see that he has more than brotherly feelings for her.

none said...

You have too much action going on in and amongst the dialogue. It looks clunky and it reads worse. Pare it down.

I'd have stopped reading at "Her face beautiful, even without makeup." The whole attitude there is so off-putting that I'm out.

Dave Fragments said...

I was looking back here and I thought that perhaps the continuation was spot on.
Have Jonah recall a fake biblical quote pertinent to their relationship or their upcoming struggle.
And then make the book he's writing related to the story.

Jo-Ann S said...

Hmmm. I guess there's a reason starting with dialogue isn't recommended. For me, there was not enough context about the characters.

One person envisaged Jonah as a teen, wheras my image of him was a nerdy academic-type, who tries to write provocative pieces on the side. The e-cig gave me an image of an insufferable poseur, like somebody who would have smoked herbal cigarettes back in the 80's in the belief it was possible to both look cool and avoid lung cancer (and I mean actual herbs, not dope). Since I didn't recognise the "with great power..." quote, to me it confirmed the poseur image.

The comic book references were kind of lost on me, so I might have given up around the middle. Nevertheless, the part about being long lost sibs who are hot for each other piqued my interest. It might have been better to start there instead of with all the clever talk. As long as the narrative doesn't take a VC Andrews turn, it might work.

Jo-Ann S said...

PS I totally second Buffy's comment.