Face-Lift 1145

Guess the Plot

The Protectors

1. One Tuesday, in the ladies' room at work, Raquel notices a man wearing only the same color paint as the walls, watching her wash her hands. He's her Protector, and he's not the only one.

2. A colorful gang of condoms-cum-superheroes guard their charges from villains S'Phyllis and Gonno'rhea. But one thing The Protectors can't do is stand alone.

3. Twins Sam and Janice stand up to the bullies harassing the good kids of class 5H, and soon the ugly thugs are all quivering wrecks. But this sort of protection doesn't come free; the twins find that their classmates' lunch money is good for all sorts of treats. Now who will protect the class from the protectors?

4. Johnny and his friends patrol and secure their territory. Lately, giants have swooped in, plucked out valued citizens, and returned them completely used. Now Johnny's love Lorraine has come up missing. Johnny will get her back, but not without the help of his buddy's . . . the protectors.

5. Jacob Snodgrass owned the only pest control business in Sioux City until Alex Marten's Pest Control opened its doors. Jacob is ready to fight dirty, until he learns Alex Marten's really a striking blonde from Duluth. Will they compete for the pest control business, or join forces to become . . .The Protectors?

6. An elite squad of highly-trained wizards and warriors is hired to protect the Egyptian Princess Tah as she makes her way from Thebes to Memphis. Only one problem: Princess Tah, a daughter of Bast, is a kitten, while her protectors are all mice. Can they all survive the grueling boat trip up the Nile?

7. Leah is a plain ordinary girl. Except, of course, for her super power. She joins the Protectors, whose mission it is to rid the world of demons and boring singers, but it's Leah who is instrumental in saving mankind when the chips are down.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation of my YA novel THE PROTECTORS, which stands complete at 72,300 words. It is the first novel in what will become a four book series, and will appeal to lovers of Kelly Armstrong’s Darkness Rising series and Jamie McGuire’s Providence series.

Leah Hawthorne was an ordinary girl, plain in every way except for one, [:] she could see into the future. You’d think having that kind of talent would be like a cool super power, but for Leah it was the exact opposite. Her life was ruled by strict regulations set by her overprotective, control freak of a brother, John, to keep her secret safe. [I was expecting an example of how her power wasn't cool, how it backfired.] [What regulations are needed besides "Don't tell anyone you can see into the future."?] [Can Leah prevent a future occurrence once she "sees" that it's going to happen? If so, this power could be useful in the cause of Good; why keep it secret?] In the weeks that followed her eighteenth birthday she thought things would change, that John would loosen the reigns [reins] a bit. But with the arrival of three strangers all vying for her attention, her life was about to become more than she ever expected. [More what?] [Are the strangers vying for her attention because they have romantic interest, or because of Leah's power to see the future? If the latter, John has done a pretty lousy job of keeping her secret safe.]

Attempting to gain control of her own life, Leah joins the Protector Agency, [I hear that's why people join the Central Intelligence Agency: to have control of their own lives.] a team of angel/human hybrids destined to fight in the war against Donovan [AKA Mellow Yellow] and the demonic [Hurdy Gurdy Man.] Leviathan Order. [An order of demons choosing Donovan as their leader is like the X-Men dumping Dr. Xavier and choosing Cat Stevens as their new leader.] [If the Protector Agency is a team of angel/human hybrids, how can Leah join? She's an ordinary girl, not an angel/human hybrid.] But, with the added strain of trying to keep her relationship with John open and her own personal insecurities will she be able to break the chains of fear that Donovan so tightly wrapped around her, [When was this? Has she ever encountered Donovan?] and become what she was always destined to be, a Protector? [So she isn't already a Protector, even though she joined the Protector Agency? Is she in an entry-level job, like their receptionist or housekeeper?] [Why is it that you never see the human employees of groups like the Avengers and Justice League of America? They must need their case files organized and their headquarters floor polished. Not that they couldn't do that stuff themselves at super speed, but would they want to? When it's Batman's turn to clean the refrigerator, would he complain that he shouldn't have to since Superman could do it in a couple seconds? Who gets the fish stench out of the break room couch after Aquaman's been sitting there? How would you like to be the Avenger whose turn it was to clean the bathroom next, and you see the Hulk walk out holding a newspaper?]

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

The first plot paragraph doesn't suggest what kind of book this is. It sounds like Here's what happens when an ordinary high school student can see the future. Then it suddenly morphs into Here's what happens when an ordinary high school girl becomes a key player in the war between angels and demons.

I see no point in bringing the three strangers into the query. They don't do anything. What do they want? Are they suitors? Are they Protectors? Are they members of the Leviathan Order?

John doesn't do anything either. The only setup needed is that Leah can see the future. She wants to use this power for good, but someone (who?) wants her to use it for their own nefarious reasons.

What happens? Leah joins the Protectors is all we get. Is she expecting to have a minor role in saving the world from the Leviathan Order, but it turns out the other Protectors are useless and Leah's the key to saving mankind?

Change Leah's name to Jennifer Juniper, set the novel in Atlantis, and I think you've got something.