Friday, June 07, 2013

Guess the Title

Below are seven descriptions of actual books available at Barnes and Noble dot com. Your job is to guess which of the given titles is each book's actual title.

2 - 3 right: excellent
4 - 5 right: genius
6 - 7 right: liar

A. Had it up to here with sugary-sweet affirmation books that ignore the pleasures of resentment and mean-spiritedness? Tired of the self-helpaholics who've been sipping too much chicken soup? Then this book is for you. Here are 365 splendidly bitter daily meditations that will appeal to the cynic in you.
  1. 365 Days of Bile
  2. Suck it Up, Loser
  3. Chicken Livers for the Soul
  4. Who Cut My Coke With Salmonella?
  5. Today I Will Nourish My Inner Martyr
  6. The Habits of Highly Sarcastic People 
  7. 365 Ways to Tell the Assholes to F*ck Off

B. Wouldn't it be nice to read a book about relationships that made you laugh instead of point fingers? Now you can. The author takes on over-simplified psycho-babble relationship books and delivers a knockout punch.
  1. It’s All Your Fault
  2. No, Really, it's You
  3. This Book Is Stupid
  4. Babble that Lands Babes
  5. They are the problem; There's Nothing Wrong with You.
  6. Women May Be from Venus, But Men Are Really from Uranus
  7. Sleeping Around in Dark Matter: A Scientist Ridicules Our Mating Games

C. Is Bigger Really Better? Here at last is the first self-help book for men with Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG). Every year, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG. Sadly, most are banished to the fringes of society
  1. Cock-Sure
  2. Members Only
  3. Gargantuan is Better
  4. How to Live with a Huge Penis
  5. You Will Always Feel Better Than My Dildo
  6. Too Much Junk: How to Deal With Tight Spaces
  7. If I Wanted to Screw a Salami I'd Have Gone to the Deli

D. Everyone has that moment—the realization that adulthood has arrived, like a runaway train, and there's no getting out of its way. An attempt to express the contradictions and anxieties that come with being over-educated, minimally employed, mostly single, and on your own.
  1. Generation Whine
  2. F*ck! I'm in My Twenties.
  3. Who Changed The Locks?
  4. Homelessness for Dummies
  5. Life sucks. Don’t kid yourself.
  6. Whaddaya MEAN I'm Pregnant?
  7. How to Tell Your Parents You're Moving Back In

E. Have you got the right kind of point on your pencil? Do you know how to achieve the perfect point for the kind of work you need out of that pencil? Deep in New York’s Hudson River Valley, the world’s number one #2 pencil sharpener still practices the age-old art of manual pencil sharpening.
  1. Sharper Image
  2. What’s the point?
  3. NOW You Tell Me Pencil Sharpening Isn't an Olympic Event
  4. Sharpest Pencil in the Box: Memoir of the World's Greatest Pencil Sharpener
  5. Hipsters Will Buy Anything, So Why Not a Book About Maintaining an Object That's Almost as Obsolete as a Typewriter?
  6. How to Sharpen Pencils: A Practical and Theoretical Treatise on the Artisanal Craft of Pencil Sharpening for Writers, Artists, Contractors, Flange Turners, Anglesmiths, and Civil Servants
     F. Target. Observe. Ridicule. You run into them every day—the striped-shirt guy, the karaoke master, the dude with a pencil-thin beard, the guy who won’t shut up about his fantasy football team—characters who annoy, irritate, and incense us all. A look inside the heads of the most infuriating douchebags on planet Earth.
    1. All Men are Idiots
    2. Look at My Striped Shirt!
    3. At Least You Aren't THAT Guy!
    4. Hang On, I Need to Take this Call
    5. No Thanks, I Only Drink Imported
    6. Pick Up Artists: A Woman's Guide to Avoiding Jerks
    7. Relax: Monday Coffee Shop Flotsam Bro Downs Are Normal
    G. This bracing blast of negativity takes aim at the impossibly cheerful inspirational self-help books flooding the market and hits the bullseye, with chapters such as Your Good-for-Nothing Friends, Your Miserable Job, and Life: What's the Use. 
    1. Evil Editor Strips
    2. You Are Worthless
    3. Dude, You're F@cked
    4. Take This Book and Shove It
    5. Claim that Dirty Sofa in the Alley
    6. You Don’t Need to Buy this Book
    7. Convincing Yourself that Self-help is a Crock

    Answers Below  
    Fake titles were supplied by Khazar Khum, CavalierdeNuit, Veronica Rundell, Anonymous and EE.  
    Actual Titles  
    Today I Will Nourish My Inner Martyr 
    Women May Be from Venus, But Men Are Really from Uranus  
    How to Live with a Huge Penis  
    F*ck! I'm in My Twenties  
    How to Sharpen Pencils yadda yadda  
    Look at My Striped Shirt!  
    You Are Worthless


Veronica Rundell said...

How did I miss How to Live With a Huge Penis?
*scours Goodreads for dudes who've reviewed it*

I only got 2 of these right. Clearly I do not hit the self-help section enough, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Veronica Rundell said...

OMG book co-written by a priest! WTF! Why is a priest helping men with their giant junk?

The blurb for
Is Bigger Really Better?

Here at last is the first self-help book for men with Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG), a genetic birth defect that grows the penis to absurd proportions. Every year, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG. Sadly, most are banished to the fringes of society, victims of their own freakish length and girth. How to Live with a Huge Penis brings them an inspiring message of tolerance and hope—along with helpful information on

• Unzipping: Coming Out to Your Friends and Family
• Sharing Your Pain: Sexual Intercourse with a Huge Penis
• Big Blessings: Unexpected Advantages of a Huge Penis
• and much, much more

Complete with prayers, poetry, a daily affirmations journal, and thoughtful quotations from leading self-help experts, How to Live with a Huge Penis will inspire men of all shapes and sizes. reviews. Alas. And, more surprisingly, I've so far restrained my morbid curiosity for the supporting website...

Anonymous said...



Jo Antareau said...

That was hilarious! Now I have to go check out these titles, surely those books cant really exist.

khazar-khum said...

Jo A, I envy you. I was that innocent once!

EE's scoring system is far more accurate than the ones the self-help gurus use.

Jo Antareau said...

Hey, Khazar, yes I AM innocent.

That was also the first time I ever heard the term 'junk' used as slang for the little bald fellow in a turtleneck and his two buddies.

CavalierdeNuit said...

This was so much fun. I looked up all of them. The OMG one is really funny.

Amir DuPuis said...

I have a great book on the way to hell, what great advice
can you give me Mr. Evil Editor?????????????????????????????????????

p.s. moving to Atlantis with a can~