Evil Editor Thanksgiving Classics

1. (from Evil Editor Teaches School)

I was just sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with King Solomon when there came a knock on the door. "Who could that be?" I wondered aloud.

"Only one way to find out, EE," Sol said.

"Ah, your wisdom has not diminished with age," I told him. I opened the door, and for a moment thought I was looking into a mirror, until I realized the man standing there was slightly less attractive than myself. "What's the idea?" I asked. "Where'd you get the Evil Editor mask?"

"Whattaya mean?" he replied. "I'm Evil Editor. What are you doing in my house?"

"Better let me handle this," King S. said. "It's right up my alley." He looked around the room and said, "I note that there's a mountain of manuscripts in the corner. You shall each take half of them. Whoever finds a salable book first is clearly the real EE."

"Fine," said our new guest. He grabbed up a manuscript, read a sentence and tossed it, then grabbed another, and another, and another. He was fast, I had to admit.

I went to work myself: I got out a snow shovel and within a minute had deposited my half of the manuscripts in the fireplace, just as the other EE announced he'd found a potential bestseller. "I win," he said, but he hadn't counted on the wisdom of Solomon.

"Get out," the king told him. "You're clearly an imposter. The real EE would never admit to finding a salable manuscript in the slush. Pass the gravy, would you EE?"

--Evil Editor


2. (from Novel Deviations, vol. 1)

“We’ve got something men want, don’t we, Aunt Faye?” Nicole said, punctuating her statement with a smirk.

“How’d you get to be so cynical?”

“Experience!” the twenty-one-year-old shot back. Another small coup. Her control of the table was established.


Nicole and Faye sat near the end of a Thanksgiving table laden with wealth. The value of the paintings in the dining room alone would have been enough to make a small, impoverished country give thanks. Nicole was wearing one of her silky black dresses. It might have looked slutty, if it hadn’t had a four digit price tag.

“Mark understands the score,” Nicole continued.

Frumpy Aunt Faye, who had one husband in the ground, one ex-husband barely above ground, and another man on the way to the altar, didn’t like being upstaged by 21-year-old Nicole on the question of relationships.

She dabbed her lips with her napkin and said, "Not to brag, my dear, but I've quaffed more meat popsicle in my time than you will if you live to be a hundred."

The room went silent.

"Including your precious Mark's," Aunt Faye added with a wink. That last part wasn't true, but what did it matter? She had regained control of the table.

Opening: Bichon.....Continuation: Evil Editor


3. Thanksgiving Toons

4. Guess the Title

Thanksgiving being a day we celebrate by eating, I've taken the subtitles of ten food-and-drink-related books that are for sale online from Barnes and Noble. Your job is to guess which title goes with each subtitle.


The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!

Gourmet Grill
Manifold Destiny
Radiator Roadkill
Carburetor Cuisine
The Six-Cylinder Superchef
On the Road . . . With Meatloaf and Steak Fries


Recipes and Rants

The Cranky Chef
Kristen Nelson Cooks!
Bitchin In The Kitchen
Gordon Ramsay's Fuckfest
The Crabby Cook Cookbook
Frost My Chocolates and Roast My Butt


Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget

Shit Faced
The Imbible
Pickle My Liver
Beer Pong and Beyond
Wasted and No Remembrance
George W. Bush’s Guide to College


Recipes for Self-Loathing

Humble Pies
Bevittle Yourself
Eat Your Feelings
The Blimp in the Mirror
The Sylvia Plath Cookbook
How Sharp is Your Chef's Knife?


Grim and Ghastly Recipes for the Gruesome Gourmand

Awful Offal
First, Peel the Otter
Ghoulish Gastronomy
The Zombie Cookbook
The Brains are the Best Part
When I Asked You to Bring Me Some Grub, I Didn't Mean it Literally


Have Your Best Friend for Dinner

Poached Pooch
The Pet Cookbook
The Culinary Cannibal
The Donner Party Recipes
The Cuisine of Papua New Guinea
Hannibal Lecter’s Guide to Entertaining


A Philosopher's Guide to Wine

Plato on Pinot
Vintage Insights
Que Syrah Syrah
Descartes Decanted
I Drink Therefore I Am
The Transcendental Oenophile


The Art of Miserable Meal Making

Just Nuke It
When I Cook, They Run
Last Meals in the Worst Prisons on Earth
The Cat Food Commission's Gourmet Automat
The Gray Ground Meat and Brown Vegetable Cookbook
The Worse I Cook, The More He Takes Me Out to Dinner


Hold the Mayo, Muffy--I'm Feeling Miracle Whipped Tonight

Deli Delights
Condiment Love
Sandwich Frenzy
The Ellora's Cave Cook Book
How to Eat Like a Republican
There's Something About Reuben


Thirty Eight Lip-Smackin' Meals Men Can Cook in the Garage...Using Their Own Tools!

Me Hungry
Cook Like A Stud
Man Cave Recipes
Eat This--I Dare Ya!
Who Needs a Kitchen?
Grab a plate! It’s Hammertime!



Answers below


Fake titles were submitted by Dave F., Angela Robbins, Khazar-khum, anon., Faceless Minion, Slush, Steve Prosapio, Evil Editor, Marissa Doyle, BuffySquirrel, Madison, and Maureen.



Actual Book Titles:

Manifold Destiny
The Crabby Cook Cookbook
The Imbible
Eat Your Feelings
First, Peel the Otter
The Pet Cookbook
I Drink Therefore I Am
When I Cook, They Run
How to Eat Like a Republican
Cook-Like-A-Stud