Face-Lift 1541

Guess the Plot

Goremage: Awakening

1. Ferdi the bull comes into his magic July 1 in Pamplona, Spain. The running of the bulls this year will be an event to be remembered and talked about for decades to come, if he can get out of this fantasy land portal and back to the event in time.

2. You've heard of horned lizards, but this is the story of a horned wizard named Goremage. He promised his mortal wife he wouldn't use magic, so he has to deal with his enemies by goring them to death.

3. The greedy leader of the government wants to rule as its dictator, and is willing to sacrifice his own people to secure control. It may sound like it's ripped from today's headlines, but this story all takes place underwater.

4. The people of Lomansk were given one directive by their ancestors. Do not wake the monster, Goresage. But rules are made to be broken, or so Olivia, who was never one to heed her elders' advice, believed. She just wanted someone to play hopscotch with.

Original Version

Dear [agent name]

I'm thrilled to send GOREMAGE: AWAKENING, a grim dark fantasy complete at 100,000 words, your way. [Put "your way" after "send."] [Then delete "send your way," unless the agent has already made it clear she wants you to send it her way.] [Actually, I'm not thrilled with "I'm thrilled," either, so let's start  with paragraph 2.]

GOREMAGE: AWAKENING is my debut novel. A pilot book with great series potential written in third person omniscient point of view, following [This 100,000-word dark fantasy follows] an ensemble cast of societal outcasts struggling with trauma, trust, [and] societal injustice and [while] grappling with their place in the cosmic chain. [Not crazy about two uses of the word "societal" in one sentence

In the wake of The Great Fall, the last great war Atlamaria saw, the underwater country is threatened with collapse as the very infrastructure holding it together is on the verge of falling apart. [The country is underwater? You do realize people can't breathe underwater, right? (With the exception of Aquaman, Sub-Mariner, and fictional characters like mermaids.)] The magic required to sustain it has become a dying breed. [art?] The government, driven by greed and desperation, seeks to return to a totalitarian rule by harnessing the power of a heretic god, willing to sacrifice their own people to secure control. [Is this a retelling of the Trump administration?]

Elio, a world-weary man burdened by a dark past, finds himself unwillingly drawn into the growing conflict. Normally a lone wolf, he forms an uneasy alliance with two other outcasts: Atlas, a former politician turned con man, [Politicians don't need to "turn" to become con men.] trying to overcome slanderous lies spread by his ex-lover ["The guy's a real wet fish. And his fins are so tiny."] and connect with his estranged daughter [; and] Pearl, an indentured performer grappling with the grim reality of her life after being freed from a decade of servitude. [Two uses of "grappling" within three paragraphs? That should happen only in a scene involving a grappling hook. How about "dealing?"]

Struggling with his identity and the true origins of his magic, Elio embraces the power that could destroy him. As the lines between right and wrong blur, he must confront not only the enemies that threaten his world - but the shadows within himself. If he can’t trust his own thoughts, how can [he] stop forces so much larger than himself? [This paragraph isn't needed. It's pretty vague; we know nothing about his identity or the true origins of his magic or the power that could destroy him or his own thoughts. Besides, after the previous paragraph, I'm expecting something about how they can defeat the government. Apparently Elio has some magical powers that could destroy him if used? What can he do? And what do Atlas and Pearl bring to the table? What's their plan?]

The confrontation becomes more than a clash of strength; but a test of wills, faith, and sacrifice. The fate of their country hanging in the balance, the three must decide how far they will go to protect their country from both divine destruction and human corruption.

The story hangs in the [With its] balance of political intrigue and fantastical adveture, [sp.] [and its morally grey characters, and [the story] would appeal to readers who enjoy novels like [fans of] ‘The Lies of Locke Lamora’ and ‘The Name of the Wind’ or who enjoy characters that are a little morally grey.

Notes

Is Goremage the name of the heretic god? Is the heretic god on board with the government waking him and harnessing his power? If I'm a sleeping god and you wake me up and try to harness my power, I'm likely to turn it on you.

It would be hard for three people to take on a government and a god while snorkeling, so tell us what they've got going for them besides wills, faith, and the power that could destroy them.