Face-Lift 992

Guess the Plot

Alchemist's Fire

1. Azmir, the youngest alchemist in the Guild, has invented a flame that can melt anything - even the enchanted ice of the frozen Northlands. With visions of fame and fortune in his head, he goes north, but the Cult of the Eternal Ice have other ideas for him. Can Azmir escape their icy clutches?

2. While Burton, an alchemist-in-training, is trying to turn tap water into root beer, he gets distracted by a beautiful girl outside his window. He mixes the wrong ingredients -- a fire ensues. The girl, who happens to be a volunteer firefighter, comes to the rescue. Burton discovers the girl is an alchemist too. A different kind of fire ensues.

3. In an alternate universe alchemists did discover the secret of changing lead into gold, as well as how to be immortal. This caused two problems; gold is so plentiful it's worthless, and now they need to find a way for people to die. The mythical Alchemist’s Fire is the answer to both and Te’vii sets out to find it, at the young age of 562.

4. Stan just wants to pass chemistry, but lab partner Ali turns cafeteria meatloaf into food and produces an elixir which revives the pickled bio-lab frogs. Being along for the ride (and the grade) seems great--until Ali starts brewing love potion to sell to the seniors, and men in black suits show up.

5. Changing lead into gold is nothing. Changing young into old is where it's at. If his map to the Fountain of Youth is legit, Troy figures he'll have all the gold he needs soon enough.

6. After decades of work, alchemist Isaac Smithson succeeds in changing lead to gold. The townspeople immediately burn down his laboratory and Smithson must flee to keep from being burned as a witch. Gotta love the Middle Ages.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Professor Martin is happy to keep his research on the South Pacific theoretical until a former student, Troy Aldridge, pops up with a map to the Fountain of Youth. Troy convinces Professor Martin to join his expedition with a little inadvertent help from the Imperial Mining Company (whose thugs keep trying to set Professor Martin on fire). [If your thugs keep trying to set someone on fire, and failing, you need smarter thugs.]

They track down the Fountain of Youth near the Solomon Islands, [What's near the Solomon Islands is the Pacific Ocean.] but their plans of bringing home bathtub-fulls [bathtubs full] of the stuff are thwarted [Wouldn't it have been more efficient to bring barrels than bathtubs? Just in case they hit some rough seas?] when the the elixir of youth cannot be moved. [It sounds like you're saying it's impossible to fill a jug with the elixir and take it somewhere else. Are you trying to say the elixir loses its effectiveness if it's taken from the Fountain?] It turns out that they’ll need the spongy marrow of Death to transport it. [Did someone tell them they needed the spongy marrow of Death, or were they sitting around trying to figure out how to get the elixir onto their ship and . . .

Crewman: Well, we've tried vats and and jugs and bathtubs and Tupperware bowls; I guess if people want to drink the elixir they're just gonna have to come to the Fountain.

Captain: Not so fast. We still haven't tried the spongy marrow of Death.]

Their crew, who was all for finding the Fountain of Youth, is less excited about heading to the Isle of Death. Before they even set out, the first mate betrays the expedition to the Imperial Mining Company.

[First Mate: Hello, Imperial Mining Company? I'm phoning to inform you that we are embarking on a mission to the Isle of Death in search of spongy marrow.

Receptionist: And you'd like us to send a few miners to help with the project? Let me connect you with the spongy marrow mining manager.]

Now, with the Imperial Mining Company calling every ship east of Calcutta to chase them down, Troy and Professor Martin are racing to figure out how to transport the elixir of youth (the marrow almost worked).

[Captain: Damn. Spongy marrow of Death didn't work.

Crewman: But it almost worked, sir. Perhaps we should try the bouncy quintessence of Oblivion?]

But that might be exactly what the Imperial Mining Company wants: get them to do the dirty work and then swoop in and steal the results.

Alchemist’s Fire is a 65,000-word fantasy. I have written a couple of technical books published by O’Reilly [Bill O'Reilly? Wait, did you ghost-write Spongy Marrow of Death in the No Spin Zone?]: Book1, Book2, and Book3.

Thank you!


Notes

Why are we spending so much time on the spongy marrow of Death if it doesn't work any better than the bathtubs? Granted, the phrase "spongy marrow of Death" is a big selling point (I was prepared to request the manuscript if it had actually worked), but it takes more than clever word choice to sell a book.

Even if the spongy marrow of Death had worked, who would want to drink something that's been transported in the spongy marrow of Death? I'd be afraid it was going to kill me instead of make me young.

Does anyone use the elixir? What happens?

Why were thugs trying to set Martin on fire? Is that the fire from the title? Who's the alchemist?

Make it clear what happens when they try to put the elixir in bathtubs.

If they eventually get the elixir on board, I suggest dropping the spongy marrow of Death and skipping to the part where the mining company tries to chase them down and snatch their bathtubs transport medium. If they don't get the elixir on board, what is the result of finding the Fountain? Nothing?

What will happen to life as we know it if the miners get the elixir?

Why is this a fantasy? Just because they locate the Fountain of Youth?

Start over and focus the query on one character. What's his goal, what's his plan, what's his biggest problem, what's at stake, what happens?