It’s only been three weeks but Ian’s chafing already.
Three weeks since he lost control and let his cravings get the better of him. Three weeks since he carved up that yapping little shit that wouldn’t bend to his whims. Three weeks since he dumped Brent’s body deep into a river.
Three weeks without a teenage boy at his free disposal and Ian’s going crazy with the need to have a young, unwilling body trapped underneath him. To feel soft, unmarred skin under his fingertips. To mark that skin with his hands, his teeth - his hunting knife.
His cock starts to twitch at the thought, and Ian pushes down on it with the edge of his hand brutally, forcing it into submission. ‘Wilson’s Snack & Sandwich’ in the middle of the shopping mall is not the place to beat off, not if he wants to remain inconspicuous. Pretending to be focused on the well-worn menu, he lets his gaze wander over the steady stream of people passing by.
With any luck, he’ll find his new boy today, get him home and settled in by tomorrow. And this time, he’ll be more careful. This one will last longer than a couple of months.
He wipes a froth of spit from the corner of his mouth, the corner that twitches in sympathy with his cock, then pulls at the groin of his pants to give himself more room as a mother and her son approach. His palms are sweaty. He can almost smell the boy's hair.
They stop in front of him. He stares intently at the menu, ready to explode.
"Excuse me," the woman says, and he starts to wonder if he might know them.
Ian levels his eyes with theirs. "Uh, yes?"
"A ham-mushroom-swiss on wheat and tuna salad surprise on rye, please."
Ian wipes his hands on his apron and reaches for the bread.
Opening: Red Silverbeet.....Continuation: anon.
14 comments:
I feel certain that some time in the next couple of paragraphs you'll reveal to me that Ian is the world's last surviving Dragon Rider, destined to save the universe from catastrophe.
Right now, I'm not warming to him.
Ruthless quasi-paedo craziness aside, I'm intrigued by your POV — the way you mix 'Ian' with 'he' and 'him'. It's unsettling, but I'm not sure I could take too much more of this (even if Ian repented and became a nun).
I'm hoping your deployment of Wilson's Snack Sandwich hints at dark humour later on, otherwise I'm out of here.
Meanwhile, here's a Trussed Teenager Tip: when you're trapped underneath a sadistic murderer (called Ian), wondering whether he's going to poke you with his hunting knife or his cock, it's taken as read that you're 'unwilling'.
This one is pretty well written, but repellent. I'm hoping for a quick POV shift, because I don't want to hang out with Ian a minute longer.
I would drop "not if he wants to remain inconspicuous." Trust your readers to get that on their own.
Dang, writer, you're already collecting jacket blurbs here:
Right now, I'm not warming to him. --Whirlochre
Repellent --John
See, they're more articulate than me. I was just gonna go with "yuck".
I suppose there's a market for such stuff. Not sure where it is, but wherever, I hope someone's keeping an eye on it.
I'm going to suggest "chafing" is not the best word choice in the first sentence. Hunger/starve comes to mind.
In sentence three "bend to his whims" suggests the hostage has a choice. Reconfigure that sentence, IMHO.
"Free Disposal" doesn't convey what you want, I think. Hostage taking is about power and control. You hostage, me boss of you. How I love it when you cry and whine and I can hurt you real bad. Psycho stuff.
I like the opening. The continuation was seemless.
The horror, I'd crank that up and make the opening stronger. Tighten and get out the screw driver.
A few changes and you hook me deep.
Author you've repelled and unsettled and got a "yuk".
You've done a good job to get those reactions from seasoned critters.
Carry on.
I agree with Whirl. The POV here is off for me as well. It feels like author intrusion. I don't think Ian would be thinking "bend to his whims" and I think an omniscient narrator would give graphic examples of what that means. Even placing the dash before "hunting knife" distances the reader from Ian. Ian would think of the knife as an extension of himself, wouldn't he? And an objective narrator wouldn't comment on the action by placing the dash there.
I actually don't think this opening is raw and gritty enough. It's like the narrator is afraid to do any real-life commenting about Ian and Ian's behavior from either a passive perspective or from Ian's perspective. I get going for an objective narrator, but as such, what we're given here isn't clinical enough to be considered fully objective, IMO, which could be chilling in its own way.
This is creepy. I watched the original HOSTEL movie and had the same reaction. Now I never watch an Eli Roth movie unless I have some understanding of the amount and type of bloodiness involved.
The same with Poppy Z Brite and those stories.
It's not that I'm prudish or delicate or anything else. I'm not a big fan of creepy things and this is really creepy:
To feel soft, unmarred skin under his fingertips. To mark that skin with his hands, his teeth - his hunting knife.
His cock starts to twitch at the thought,
So get your head around the story and make it horrific but readable.
"chafing already", I am not sure what that means.
I think there is too many "three weeks".
"Ians' going crazy" is a pov shift we don't need.
I also didn't like: ‘Wilson’s Snack & Sandwich’ in the middle of the shopping mall is not the place to beat off, not if he wants to remain inconspicuous.
My first response is "duh" and my second response is that anyone who was able to think this, wouldn't.
I would think Ian would be more worried about being inconspicuous and would be more concerned about what to do about the twitching than reminding himself not to be inappropriate.
also - yuk. Is this a prologue?
Creepy because the pov is immersive rather than aloof and we don't like to be this close to bad guys and their twisted thinking. Not sure if I'd read on or not but would not recommend toning it down. Reminds me of the movie Perfume, based on a book that I lack the guts to read because of the ick factor. Film was very well done but also high on the icky scale and bombed in the USA, as no major distributors would show it. Did well in Europe, though.
This see-saws too much - are we in Ian's pov, or not? The 'lost control' and 'cravings' sounds distant, and 'yapping little shit' sounds closer, but then you have 'bend to his whims' which just sounds poncey instead of gritty (and contradicts the next para where he wants the body to be unwilling). I'd say if you're going to write about a nasty predator, don't hold back.
'starts to' is unnecessary, and also suggests that his cock is going to continue to twitch, rather than twitch and harden. Do they do that, twitch like metronomes? No wonder he's chafing.
'steady stream of people' is a hackneyed phrase, and you don't need both 'steady stream' and 'passing by' - that's what streams do.
Presumably you the writer have desired something at some point. Maybe you could use that to bring your character's desire to life.
Unchosen continuation:
What Ian doesn't know is that his next victim is an unsuspecting former innocent alter boy of Father Giles, a sick pervert of the cloth who turned the child man into a real demon when it comes to payback.
Ian was in the same parish. Ian was cursed by the same "blessing" Henry got from Papa Giles. Ian turned deviant while Henry got even. Ian doesn't have any idea what is waiting for him with Henry. Henry is going to be Ian's worst nigtmare. They'll meet in about an hour.
Father G died hanging upside down, gutted and squealing like a pig. It was Easter, four years ago.
Neither one can wait
.
--Wilkins MacQueen
P2: Not sure he would have bothered to learn Brent's name.
P3: We don't need yet another sentence starting "Three weeks..." Get on with it.
P4: I'd put the comma after "hand" rather than "brutally" or move "brutally" after "down."
The Wilson's sentence is ridiculous. Dump it.
You could (and should) lose the first paragraph altogether. Don't need it. A lot more chilling if you enter this world straight into para 2, imo.
I'm betting there's a market for this. Hell, loads of people loved Hannibal Lecter. Weirdly.
Agree with Phoenix, though - if you're gonna do it, do it. Get on in there and dig. So to speak.
Post a Comment