Friday, December 12, 2008

New Beginning 586

It was later, later on that second night I spent in Las Esperanzas, I mean, much, much later. The time was well after the hanging; it was long after Ernie Obregon had been boxed and buried and it was well after I had missed my first chance at the freedom bird back to Miami. As I told you before, I was back at the hotel, half shit faced and, since I had now failed for two nights in a row to turn up any wild chica mujeres, once again I was alone with nothing to do, a partially stiff lonely dick and the beginnings of what would turn out to be a decently sized hangover. Times like that I grow introspective and analytical.

Then there are the times when methodical thinking follows the alcohol and introspection and if my resulting mood deteriorates too far I sometimes wind up getting myself into a jam. I say that because it's happened before.

So there I was, sitting on the bed with a couple of stale tacos, a half a bottle of some really questionable wine, a few crumpled cigarettes and I was sifting through the journey, the reasons for it and what I was going to do from that point on.

"Hey pal," Stiletto Jane said as she unbuttoned her top, revealing a lace bustier underneath. "I'm just here to take care of the partially stiff lonely dick. If I have to listen to you grousing about your pathetic life, too, it's going to cost you double."


Opening: John Dwyer.....Continuation: Freddie

14 comments:

BuffySquirrel said...

Oh dear. He's not working up to a flashback is he?

Evil Editor said...

Un chosen continuation:

Well, I did have that stiff, lonely dick. What the Hell.

I dialed up the pay-per-view porn and watched the midgets.

--khazar-khum

Evil Editor said...

The first sentence isn't exactly smooth. Also, "much, much later" makes me think months later. Turns out it's the same night. If this is the book's opening, I'd lose the first sentence. However, the phrase "As I told you before" seems to indicate it's a chapter opening.

I'd lose the 2nd paragraph. In fact, this would eliminate the guy being introspective about the fact that he's often introspective:


The time was well after the hanging; it was long after Ernie Obregon had been boxed and buried and well after I had missed my first chance at the freedom bird back to Miami. I was back at the hotel, half shit-faced and--since I had again failed to turn up any wild chica mujeres--alone with a partially stiff lonely dick, a couple stale tacos, and half a bottle of some really questionable wine. I was sifting through the reasons for my journey and what I was going to do from that point on.


Now you can move right into what's about to happen, which I assume involves a gun, a girl and a gaucho.

benwah said...

Saying that you're thinking about introspection isn't terribly interesting. The rest of the set-up, however, may be.

Robin S. said...

First- freddie- that's a helluva good contin, baby!


Hi John,

I like the skeleton of what you've written, and I like it a lot.

BUT, you've got too much flesh on it, and I say that even though I am a longwinded writer.

With the style you've got going on, slicing strengthens the picture you're painting with words.

Something like this:

It was later on the second night I spent in Las Esperanzas. The time was well after the hanging; it was long after Ernie Obregon had been boxed and buried, and it was well after I had missed my first chance at the freedom bird back to Miami. I was back at the hotel, half shit faced and, since I had now failed for two nights in a row to turn up any wild chica mujeres, once again I was alone with nothing to do, a partially stiff lonely dick and the beginnings of what would turn out to be a decently sized hangover. Times like that a person think.

Then there are the times when thinking follows the alcohol and, if my resulting mood deteriorates too far I sometimes wind up getting myself into a jam. It's happened before.

So there I was, sitting on the bed with a couple of stale tacos, a half a bottle of some really questionable wine, a few crumpled cigarettes and I was sifting through the journey, the reasons for it and what I was going to do from that point on.



What do you think? I kept most of it, but took the extraneous (in my opinion) out, and I think it's stronger with the edit. Maybe you'd have sliced some, too, with some time away and a look later on.
Again, just my opinion!

Anyway, I'm good with 'thinking' kinds of openings to lay the groundwork for what was, and what is to come (especially with intersting dicks involved), but I do need the prose to wrap me in it, and with your style, as I said, I think sometimes, the less explained the better.

Is this a chapter opening, a novel opening, a story opening?

Dave F. said...

I feel like a Valley Girl saying "Like Uh, JOhnny-boy, uh, I SO A-gree with EE! He's so very, very right."
Of course without the short skirt and the poofy hair and the peek-a-boo bra.

half a bottle of some really questionable wine
You missed the boat here. Win that has gone bad in the bottle is referred to as "off"... In this case, the wine is as close to going off as he is horny. Horny is better than questionable.

Alternatively, it might be grape juice with the aspirations and desires of being a real wine but not the body, the fragrance or the nose.

Anonymous said...

I let Tom Robbins get away with this kind of chatty-chuck style, but that was the 80's and you're not Tom Robbins, are you?

freddie said...

Thank you, Robin!

Robin S. said...

Nothing wrong with what you term a 'chatty' style, anon, any more than there is something wrong with a tired, resigned noir style, or a fluid, lyric style or a style injected with sarcasm/humor.

For me, it's all in the telling. And the editing of said telling.

talpianna said...

Dave said: I feel like a Valley Girl saying "Like Uh, JOhnny-boy, uh, I SO A-gree with EE! He's so very, very right."
Of course without the short skirt and the poofy hair and the peek-a-boo bra.


That was a wise decision, Dave, as you don't look nearly as good in them as EE does.

I'm commenting on Dave's comment because the New Beginning leaves me cold. I so do not want to spend more time with this guy.

BuffySquirrel said...

Actually, if wine goes bad in the bottle it's referred to as "corked". But then the character probably isn't a wine snob anyway.

Evil Editor said...

That's if the bottle actually HAD a cork. When MY wine goes bad in the bottle it's referred to as "screwed."

BuffySquirrel said...

lol

talpianna said...

When MY wine goes bad in the bottle it's referred to as "capped"--and so, next day, is my vintner.