Face-Lift 585

Guess the Plot

Lucifer's Porsche

1. Sherry Turner owns a ski lodge on Mt. Ames, home of the treacherous run known as Lucifer's Porsche. When handsome Olympic skier Ross Hardman is nearly killed on the slopes, she must choose--her man or her manor?

2. T-Dawg had stole some fine hoopties before, but nothing like this black Porsche. Tha peeps down at tha Park gonna love his mad skillz! Little does he know he's stolen Lucifer's car, and he's gonna really be ghostrifing this whip.

3. When Satan finds himself having a mid-life crisis, he has two choices: He'll either have to fall in love and start performing acts of kindness . . . or buy a Porsche.

4. Tom Stop figured he'd boosted the sweetest ride on the streets. But, as he pulled out of the parking lot at Club 666 and the painted flames along the sides burst into real flames, he began to think he'd made a mistake. Now he's got 24 hours to find the car's owner or he'll discover that "highway to hell" isn't just a figure of speech.

5. When the devil offers to trade in his 2008 Porsche for a 2004 Prius--and the salesman's soul--Honest Bob doesn't think twice about closing the deal. After all, has any car salesman ever made it to the Pearly Gates anyway?

6. Amy Jackson lost control of Todd's new Porsche convertible on her way to the veterinary clinic with Mad Felix, the injured cat. As the car plunged into Lake Wintucktim and disappeared, Amy could barely swim ashore and save herself. Felix, alas, died of his injuries. Good thing the car wasn't totaled!! Too bad it's now haunted by the glowing-eyed ghost of Mad Felix, who sits in the backseat and flies the vehicle on his evil missions from Hell, using mental telepathy.

7. As the Devil attempts to make his stylish reentry into modern society, his cloven hooves slip off the pedals of his Porsche speedster, which crashes into a tree, sending this churlish Demon head-over-hooves into the garden of spinster Madge Gatwick as she fails to prune the mistletoe from her plum tree. It's love at first sight for this odd couple, but how will the ladies' charity club react? And what will Father Murphy say?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Satan's having a mid-life crisis. Mutilation, asphyxiation, blah, blah, blah. [Don't you mean yadda, yadda, yadda?] Nothing's delivering that old, delicious zing. And his minions are threatening mutiny. Can he help it that the pristine souls needed to power the underworld are becoming harder to locate and almost impossible to seduce?

Gazing at an endless line of the Damned, Satan feels the weight of eternity pulling on his leathery wings. He sets off to outer-Earth on a soul-acquisition journey. Per the Elysium-Hades treaty, he and God are each allotted one soul-deal per decade. Satan targets Eden Grace, a Seattle landscaper who possesses a soul pure enough to fuel ten new disembowelment chambers. His plan is simple: hire Eden for a big-budget job, fog her mind with romance, and offer to save her sickly daughter. Problem is, he experiences more of a thrill from helping Eden than from hurting her. What kind of King of Darkness gets a buzz from doing good? And why does he feel such deranged exhilaration whenever he's with her? His celestial powers are waning, his assistant demons are conspiring, and Eden's invading his psyche. Ultimately, he must choose between an eternity of crushing despair and a love that could destroy him...Damn.

LUCIFER'S PORSCHE is a 70,000 word urban fantasy which placed third in the Science Fiction/Fantasy category of the Pacific Northwest Writers Association's literary contest this year. [I'll try not to hold it against you that you couldn't even win your category of this obscure contest; there's no accounting for the taste of contest judges.] I've completed the advanced fiction writers program at the University of Washington. Although I do not have direct experience with hell, I spent five years in Detroit.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[Title note (not part of query): The Porsche is a reference to Satan's 'mid-life crisis'. Obviously, immortal beings don't have a mid-life; however, he needs something to combat his crushing ennui. The only thing that provides the sizzle he misses is performing good deeds, i.e., his version of engaging in dangerous behavior.]


Notes

I like this, though not necessarily as an urban fantasy. As I understand it, urban fantasy has come to mean a contemporary fantasy with a kick-ass female protagonist who has a lot of attitude. Humor is common, but the humor tends to be in the heroine's 'tude, not the plot, which is fairly dark. This query makes the book sound like a comedy (which I assume it is), and Satan seems to be your main character. So unless the minions say otherwise, you might want to call this a fantastical comedy or a humorous fantasy.

Mutilation, asphyxiation, blah, blah, blah, makes Satan sound like a run-of-the-mill serial killer. The biggest serial killer ever does things on a grander scale. Try something like "Lake of fire, pit of despair, arena of tortures . . . Nothing's delivering that old, delicious zing."

You might turn that long paragraph into two, breaking after "decade" or "chambers."