Here is how it started. I was in the convention center which was like its own world, like you could be there and forget the real world even existed because it didn't exist, not really, not while you were in there with the artificial lighting beaming at you like alien mind-control rays and the people acting more like aliens than people until you started thinking they really were aliens trying to numb your brain and turn you into a pod person.
There was this guy at one of the booths, a country boy in maybe his thirties, with his black dress shoes and his dark blue Levis, ironed nice and stiff, and his white dress shirt. I watched him war for a while with his collar, notching it out with a forefinger, pulling it away from his nice red neck. Yeah. He was a T-shirt guy, and he looked out of place in there.
I laughed when I saw what he was selling.
"That's quite a package," I said unambiguously.
"Most ladies seem to like it," he replied, in an entirely non-sexual way. "Are you interested?"
In all innocence I replied, "I'm not sure I'd know what to do with one that big."
"I bet if you got your hands on it, you'd be so excited you wouldn't even notice the size."
And maybe that would have been true once, in the past, but not now, not at my age; now, I wasn't prone to such unfettered excitement and I knew that like any new toy the novelty would be gone and the memory of it would gather dust on a shelf somewhere. I mean: at my age; I mean: who sells dildos at an organ convention? So I just fucked him instead, because it didn't matter what happened in there, because when you walked outside, it would all go away, because Mrs. Smetson, best damson plum jam three years running, really needed something new to talk about.
Opening: Robin S......Continuation: Anonymous
29 comments:
Unchosen Continuation:
Those rascal marketing executives. He was selling tickets to comedy night at the local watering hole. You know THE HOLE, the fancy bar with the fourteen deer heads and three stuffed beavers, rampant over the door.
It being comedy night, the lonesome wail of a tenor saxophone echoed through the cool, soft night. The opening chords of Society Red battered the peaceful dragonflys and lit the lives of those funky beetles that glow yellow...
This guy with the white shirt and blue jeans bit that reed and blew so hard that sax squealed to God Almighty like he done despaired of living.
Sounded like my Uncle slaughtering pigs.
--Dave F.
Nicely written. I would delete "or something" from p2, sentence 1.
I would probably delete the first sentence and start: It was the lighting that did it. That final "it" is a less vague "it" than the "it" in the first sentence, and thus more interesting. Stories and chapters often begin It all started... We might need to be alerted if you start by telling us how it ended, but we don't need to be alerted if you start by telling us how it started. It's what we expect.
Also, using "convention center" and "convention hall" in consecutive sentences isn't necessary:
The fluorescent lighting inside the convention center buzzed through the air like it was alive, coated the world inside with a false, hard sheen. It made you sleepy after a while, being in there, made your eyes tired, made you unsure about what you were looking at, like everything in front of you might just disappear from view if you blinked one time too often, might just go away and leave you in a big echo chamber cavern of a concrete room.
Now that sounds more like Robin.
Who sells dildos at an organ convention?
Now wait a minute, having played pipe organs, Wurlitzers and Hammond (all models). I resent that joke. I don't make fun of "Lady of Spain" hour at the Accordion convention, do I?
- - - -
I know this is going to sound harsh, sorry in advance.
When I open a book and read the first page, I'm looking for a reason to continue reading. the description of bad fluorescent lighting in a warehouse and a badly fit shirt with tie don't exactly say "read me, read me, read me..." the way you put them together does interest me.
We get to that when we hit "I laughed when I saw what he was selling," I might want to continue reading and find out what was so funny, but shorten the setup a few words.
I reached the point where I really want to know "how IT started. You can hint at it faster. Too many words get in the way, sometimes.
Just to illustrate, replacing the last sentence with two words "Phyllis died." at the end of this opening, those two words would hold a reader. Just please, cut out a few words before that.
BTW - I had too many mistakes in my original post, so I deleted it.
On the theory that prose filled with pronouns and was/were verbs generates less excitement than prose not filled with same, maybe you can do something with this:
It was the lighting that did it.
"It was" and "that" add no information so the sentence can be cut to:
The lighting did it.
"did it" scores a big fat "O" on the vivid action scale, so we quickly replace that generic little phrase with one that introduces juicy plot elements from our story:
The lighting turned Jack's skin to a dark shade of sick-iguana green and I was afraid to shake his hand.
The lighting burst into flames and Bud yelled, "Fire! Fire!"
The lighting made my lovely egg-and-pear painting look like two evil blobs from Hell.
Whatever. We don't get a clue what the lighting did from your passage.
You did that inverted structure thing where you start with the conclusion of the story and then immediately go into backstory mode to do the set up. Can't tell if that works here or not.
We don't get a clue what the lighting did from your passage.
It was my impression that the entire second paragraph explained what the lighting did.
BuffySquirrel thinks that writing not filled with pronouns would be either impenetrable or incredibly bloody annoying.
It was my impression that the entire second paragraph explained what the lighting did.
When reading it, I wasn't sure if what the lighting did was the second paragraph or some later paragraph. If the explaination of what the lighting was responsible for really is the second paragraph, maybe the author could just cut the first paragraph. Doing so would clear up the confusion. Or just go ahead and tell us what the lighting did so we aren't confused. Or at least combine the second sentence with the second paragraph so that it's clear that's what the lighting 'did.'
Just my 2 cents.
Damn, EE. Can you please come here and sit beside me and help me edit this manuscript? Please? Your rewrite of my paragraph kicked my own paragraph's ass. Wow. How can it be true that you sounded more like me than I do?
And thanks for saying 'nicely written'- because I'm slogging through the editing of this novel like I'm on some kind of chain gang work detail. It's harder, much harder, than writing it was in the first place. Actually, I AM writing it. Again.
Sorry, anon 3:21. Buffy's right.
Dave- I love your continuation. I really do! It flows just perfectly with what I wrote, and I think EE picked the one he picked ONLY because of the sex angle. And, by the way, anonymous, what's the deal with saying "at my age" like I'm some old decrepit woman? Heads up: stay anonymous. It was funny, I'll give you that, but still, I'd stay anonymous.
Hi Deborah- I honestly thought the second paragraph explained the first. This is a chapter opening, if that makes a difference.
I liked this but I didn't think the first line was needed. Very clever continuation, also.
I like the dark blue Levis ironed stiff with the black dress shoes, but the tugging at the collar is a little too cliched for me. Maybe instead of tugging his collar he keeps unbuttoning his cuffs and rolling up his sleeves, only to remember he's at a convention and isn't supposed to do that.
Having been to numerous conventions and manned more booths than I can count on two hands (and yes, I know chisenbop), I know the scene well and think you've described the feeling accurately. The long sentences with all those words are appropriate IMO because that's how these places feel.
And every now and then you walk past a booth that just seems so surreal that you have to laugh out loud.
I trust that the next paragraph explains (a) what kind of convention you're at, (b) what the guy is selling, and (c) why it makes you laugh.
As to the first sentences:
I agree with EE to drop the first sentence. Then I would recommend you start with "It was the fluorescent lighting that did it." Then change the first sentence of the second paragraph a little bit so as not to repeat "fluorescent lighting." I'm not sure why exactly, but I just prefer it that way. YMMV.
I don't have the trouble of some of the commentators. I'm OK with all the pronouns.
The lighting does something to the narrator. It's disturbing some normal aspect of the narrator into something abnormal.
Then there's this guy in a shirt with a tight collar. He's selling something.
We can infer that the narrator is going to take out his or her abnormality on that country boy.
We just need to get a little closer to it.
If after that huge second paragraph, the author said "but it won't go away." We'd like it. there's definately tension and something wrong happening in that room with fluorescent lights.
If instead of "I laughed when I saw what he was selling. the author said. He took out a gun and blew away half the crowd." We'd know where we stand, too.
Even if the next line was "He walked up to me and kissed me on the lips." . We'd still like it because that is something the lights might me causing is happening.
It's not the pronouns, it's the payoff we want.
And, by the way, anonymous, what's the deal with saying "at my age" like I'm some old decrepit woman?
Sorry. I'd assumed this was fiction. Ma'am.
Great writing. I like EE's suggestions, and I like the 'lighting' sentence as it is - the changes anonymous suggested would take most of the mystery out of it for me, and it's the mystery that keeps me reading. I'm assuming something big is coming.
Robin, here's another idea...interleave the ideas of P3 with P1 & P2. As an example:
It was the lighting that did it.
There was this guy at one of the convention hall booths, a country boy in maybe his thirties...but I'm getting ahead of myself.
The fluorescent lighting inside the convention center buzzed through the air like it was alive or something. It coated the world inside the convention hall with a false, hard sheen, including this country boy with his black dress shoes and his dark blue Levis, ironed nice and stiff, and his white dress shirt. I watched him war for a while with his collar, notching it out with a forefinger, um...the light made you sleepy after a while, being in there. It made your eyes tired; it made you unsure about what you were looking at--him pulling his collar away from his nice red neck. Yeah. He was a T-shirt guy, and he looked out of place in there. There in that light that might just make everything disappear from view if you blinked one time too often.
I laughed when I saw what he was selling.
----
P2 just seemed too long compared to P3, the latter being more significant I thought (not knowing what followed, of course).
--Bill H.
I'd replace "war with his collar" to "wrangle with his collar", but that's just me. Unless, of course, he's selling military weaponry, but he struck me as a wrangler kind of guy, what with his red neck and ironed-stiff jeans, making me think of the old days back home when my granddaddy would get in his truck to drive to town on a hot, south Georgia summer morning kicking up dust in his old beater Ford. Or something like that.
Oh, and I liked the opening, by the way.
I knew this had to be yours, Robin!
I would change "coated" to "coating" in EE's rewrite and run with that for P2.
For P1, I kept thinking that, for your style, ease into your hook, maybe starting with something like:
It could have been that I hadn't been home in a week, or simply that I didn't want to be here to begin with, wandering aimlessly through a crowd of distracted housewives who were wandering just as aimlessly through their own lives, catering to their own agendas. That could have been it. But it wasn't, no. It was the light that did it.
And spill it, girl. What is the guy selling?? Or did anon get it right ;o)
Psst, EE. I know the P&E results aren't official yet, but... congratulations!!!
I want you to know Robin was incredibly influential behind the scenes. Very persuasive. And very nagging. Yeah, lots and lots of nagging. But the good kind of nagging! The mom kind. She's a real gem. Do your best to keep her around! Please.
Because you asked: Here is my totally subjective, non-binding and singular view of this passage. Anyone who isn’t Robin might just want to skip this post.
First, to be clear straight off, I do like it. I “got” the rhythm; nothing jarred me out of the passage; I’ve seen you previous posts and this is consistent. It’s a conversational, flowing style that pulls me in, and I enjoy the sometimes quirky but very individualistic internal and external details that the writing conveys.
In principle I agree with everyone else about dropping the first paragraph and putting the second sentence into the second paragraph. My only potential caveat is that you say this is a chapter opening not a novel opening. If “Here is how it started” actually refers directly back to something in the previous chapter, it might work to have it there. Though “Here’s how it started,” feels like it would be more consistent with the voice.
Then, if it were me, I might start the next paragraph:
It was the lighting that did it; the fluorescent lighting buzzed through the air like it was alive or something. It coated the world inside the convention hall with a false, hard sheen.
I personally prefer mentioning the convention center in the second sentence rather than the first so to maintain focus on the lighting a little longer.
There was this guy at one of the booths, a country boy in maybe his thirties, with his black dress shoes and his dark blue Levis, ironed nice and stiff, and his white dress shirt.
Something niggles me about the punctuation in this sentence because it feels like the “ironed nice and stiff” refers back to the guy rather than his Levi’s. It might just be me, though.
I’m not thrilled with I watched him war for a while with his collar, because it’s dangerously close to being a tongue-twister (and I want to tack on “wascally wabbit”). My mid turns “for” into “faw” because of all the W’s. I’d find it easier to read if it were “I watched him war with his collar for a while.” Again, totally subjective.
Yeah. He was a T-shirt guy, and he looked out of place in there.
I’m probably not hearing your rhythm on this one, because having the “Yeah” stand all alone there, doesn’t feel right to be. I’m wanting it to be something like “Yeah, he was a T-shirt guy and he looked all out of place in there.” That doesn’t mean you’re wrong -- it could be me.
Yeah -- I did like it, though.
Love it, Robin.
Limited time tonight, so here are my suggestions (as if you don't have enough already)
It was the fluorescent lighting that did it.
Inside the convention center, it buzzed through the air like it was alive or something, coating the world with a false, hard sheen. It made you sleepy after a while. It made your eyes tired; it made you unsure about what you were looking at, like everything in front of you might disappear if you blinked one time too often, might go away and leave you in an echo chamber cavern of a concrete room. Nothing seemed real, and because it wasn’t real, it didn’t matter what happened in there. When you walked outside, it would all go away.
There was this guy at one of the booths, a country boy in his thirties, with his black dress shoes and his dark blue Levis, ironed nice and stiff, and his white dress shirt. I watched him war with his collar for a while, notching it out with a forefinger, pulling it away from his nice red neck. Yeah. He was a T-shirt guy, and he looked out of place in there.
I laughed when I saw what he was selling.
Don't be silly, Robin. EE can't do that.
He's shortly going to be kidnapped and dragged to Britain to do it for ME!!!!!!!!
(not sure about Iago's rewrite--maybe "the fluorescent writing that...", otherwise it feels like a non-sequitur)
Thanks to all of you for the comments - they're really appreciated. It's good to see various points of view and think them through.
So- anonymous 7:59, are you by any chance the infamous (to me, anyway) Rod the Roofer? The 'ma'am' made me wonder. If so, and you did the continuation, that's a scream. Why don't you just sign on as Rod? You're the pone king.
phoenix- the guy is selling rocks.
Gravel kinda rocks. And he takes it very seriously. There's more to it, of course. But yeah. Rocks.
And yes, I think EE won in both categories. He deseves it.
Hi iago- Thanks for taking the time to go through and tell me what you think. You're right- the "here is how it started" follows on comments made at the end of the previous chapter. So- maybe it will go and maybe it will stay - I can see where it would work either way. Maybe I should change it to "here's" and maybe I should leave it out. I have to think about that.
So- iago and sick and move didn't like the "war with his collar", for different reasons. I'll mark that one and think about it as well.
Thanks, you all!
...maybe "the fluorescent writing that..."...
Yes, that would feel OK -- but in the end it still needs to be Robin's writing in Robin's voice: I'm really not trying to rewrite the piece...
So- anonymous 7:59, are you by any chance the infamous (to me, anyway) Rod the Roofer?
I cannot tell a lie, Ma'am. Guilty on all counts.
Ha! I wish you'd just keep the Rod thing going. It's great.
I wish you'd just keep the Rod thing going.
Why, I'd surely love to do that, Ma'am. But I reckon, not unlike some of the rooves I work on, it'd get old pretty quick.
You ever get trouble with your shingles, though, I've got a lad who's pretty impressive with the flashing.
Ah, Rod. You and your pics are truly a pleasure to 'behold'.
We just had our roof done a few months ago. But it must not have been your guys that did it - the bedroom skylight leaked afterward. And I know you'd never put up with a leaker, now, would you?
Anyway, bye for now...
Ah, I think I know the people you used. Gosh darned cowboys.
Do give me a call next time.
Take care,
Rod
Dang, that's an Atlanta phone number on Rod's sign. That's my home state, good ol' Georgia. I'll blame it on someone from somewhere else, like Kentucky or something, because there are no native Atlantans remaining there.
Love this!!
Sorry to disagree with Wouldbe and Phoenix.
Wouldbe's suggestion breaks up the flow, and Phoenix's takes too long to get to the point.
My only nit would be the word 'yeah.' But that's probably me. I like EE's suggestions about tightening up the first couple of sentences, and the rewrite of the 1st paragraph.
(Who goes to a rock convention?)
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