Friday, January 04, 2008

Face-Lift 470


Guess the Plot

Bloodlion

1. A political candidate wins election on the slogan, "I'm a unificaterer, not a divider-upper." But only after the vote does the populace find out that unification means homogenization by brutal genetic cleansing.

2. Osha is one of the "people of the lion." She's also a soulless killer who deserves to die. So why will no one kill her? Do they actually like her blood-colored skin? What's a girl gotta do to get treated like the criminal she is?

3. With the passage of a previously unknown comet, mutation gives rise to the dawning of a new age in evolution as Thapanre the Bloodlion, part lion, part vampire, unleashes his tormented genes upon the world.

4. When Friday night's ballots are counted, will suave bartender Dean Kozlov win the coveted Smirnoff Cup with secret formula #8Y4, aka the "bloodlion"? Or will his kneecaps get broken Thursday by his chief competitor, Vigo the Terrible?

5. King Leo's lineage is called into question when a mysterious prophet arrives from the Outer Lands, dressed in a lion skin dyed deep red with the blood of poisonous snakes. Can the monarch find the lost magic that will bring out the werelion in his ancestry in time to save his throne . . . and the kingdom with it?

6. When nutritionist Jane Hardy moves to Littleville with her eight children, she thinks it's a friendly place. Too bad the town is haunted by Bloodlion, a monster that feeds on lost dogs and children who stray into the woods. Days later Timmy is missing, the truth is out, and vengeful Jane decides to poison the beast with cheeseburgers, despite the protests of vegan farmer Brad Dungaree.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Thanks for your blog, I enjoy it immensely. I'm not actually seeking representation for my 100,000-word fantasy novel, Bloodlion, [Interesting. Is this reverse psychology?

You: I don't want representation, my book stinks, and I have no interest in hearing back from you.

Agent: I won't take no for an answer. Your contract is in the mail.]

(and since this is supposed to be for entertainment anyway, the only reason to say that is to pretend it's a real query opening), but I thought I'd try to ease the holiday lull. [I certainly hope the rest of the query makes more sense than whatever that was.]

When a merchant catches her and sells her to the authorities, [Catches her doing what?] Osha thinks she might finally get the justice she deserves. But the mage-aristocrats who bought her don't seem inclined to execute her. And she knows they should, either for her mother's Lnethki blood, which makes her a predator, or for her wild magic, which has killed any number of people.

[Merchant: I've captured Osha, the notorious serial killer.

Authorities: Great, we'll take it from here.

Merchant: Not so fast. I'll sell her to you for 5000 Jikyls.]

Instead, they claim they want to help her, supposedly on account of the wild magic. Ramye, her assigned teacher, insists on treating her like a human being despite her uncivilized and sometimes violent behavior. At least one person sees her as the soulless killer she is. Taiph, a young man with a grudge against the Lnethki people, makes every effort to get her kicked out, [Of what?] but never quite has the daring to do anything to her himself. Good thing no one realizes she's only half-Lnethki, or they'd really never punish her. [So she wants to be punished/executed? Has she considered self-flagellation or suicide?]

Killing someone might be the only way to prove what she is to the rest of them, but she has quite enough victims haunting her already, thanks very much. Instead, she tries to provoke Taiph into killing her, but that backfires when he recognizes her humanity and forgives her. [Is he forgiving her for trying to provoke him ("Come on, chicken. Kill me. You don't have the guts to kill me. Taiph. What a stupid name.") or for all the soulless killing she's done?]

Just when she's learning to control the wild magic [You keep using that term. What is wild magic?] and considers the idea that she might actually be human, a full-blooded Lnethki woman shows up. No matter what Ramye and Taiph think of her, Osha can't forget all the brutal reasons she believes her people, including herself, are bloodthirsty predators. And predators are the one thing Osha's never had compunctions against killing.

Thanks for your reading,


[Note: Bloodlion would refer to the Lnethki people's saying that they are the people of the lion, their reddish brown skin (which sometimes looks like dried blood), and Osha's obsession with blood.]


Notes

These mage-aristocrats seem pretty wussy for "authorities":

Merchant Fox: Aha, I've captured you, Osha Rabbit!

Osha Rabbit: Okay, you got me, but please, please, please don't turn me over to . . . the authorities.


So she's a soulless killer, and she wants to be executed. Tell us why we should pull for her. Did everyone she killed deserve it?

Forgiving soulless killers on the grounds that they have some humanity in them seems like a dangerous practice.

Instead of Taiph and Ramye, the other characters should be named Fema and Hud.

10 comments:

PJD said...

Instead of Taiph and Ramye, the other characters should be named Fema and Hud.

This is probably the funniest thing I've ever read on this blog. Thanks, EE, for the morning laugh.

Anonymous said...

In this part of the world, we spell "Lnethki" as "L'Nethki" and the "k" is silent.

WouldBe said...

The query seems to be this: Osha goes from evil (hoping she'll be killed) to not-so-evil and back to evil, except now, instead of wanting to die, she wants to stay alive so she can kill the other of her kind. And there is wild magic.

As painted here the reader will have little sympathy for the character. I realize that you threw this together for the lull, but I'm guessing that there is more to this story in the 100K words. What actually happens? The last paragraph really stops dead, just when you think something will happen.

Good luck.

talpianna said...

"Wild magic" usually means magic you can't control anyway! Or, at least, magic that doesn't follow the usual rules of sorcery in the culture (whatever they may be). The heroine of Tamora Pierce's Wild Magic has power to communicate with animals and to shapeshift, but it's because she's the daughter (as she finds out in a later book in the series) of the god of the hunt.

Anonymous said...

Instead of Taiph and Ramye, the other characters should be named Fema and Hud.

Hahahaha! :D Better than an OSHA joke! Thanks, EE!

*cough* Anyway, now that I'm done doing it for the lulz...

Yeah, I relied too much on the obviousness of Osha being an idiot to convey that she's not as horrible as she thinks she is. All the killing she's done (or most of it) is on accident. I shall fix this, since she's a fairly sympathetic character, despite being, well, an idiot and a tad wrapped up in self-hatred.

I don't know quite how to deal with the wild magic... I guess make it more obvious that it's what does the killing and it has a mind of its own, even if Osha holds herself responsible. I'll have to play with that. :)

Thanks Evil Editor, and thanks everybody! Hehehehe, Fema...

Sarah Laurenson said...

Well Bummer. It must've eaten my comment. Ah well. If I get time, I'll repeat it later.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Trying again.

Here's somewhat of what I wrote before.

Good voice in the query. Interesting story.

Here's my 2 cents. It's not exactly the same as before, but you get the idea.

Osha seeks justice. The Lnethki people are bloodthirsty predators who kill with their out of control – wild – magic. The mage-aristocrats who bought Osha should execute her, either for her mother's Lnethki blood, which makes her a predator, or for her wild magic, which has killed any number of people. Instead, they claim they want to help her.

Ramye, her assigned teacher, insists on treating her like a human being despite her uncivilized and sometimes violent behavior. Taiph, a young man with a grudge against the Lnethki people, sees her as the soulless killer she is. He makes every effort to end her training, but never quite has the daring to do anything to her himself.

Killing someone might be the only way to prove what she is to the rest of them, but she has quite enough victims haunting her already. She tries to provoke Taiph into killing her, but that backfires when he recognizes her humanity and forgives her for being Lnethki.

She starts to learn to control the wild magic and considers the idea that she might actually be human. Then a full-blooded Lnethki woman shows up. Osha can't forget all the brutal reasons she believes her people, including herself, are bloodthirsty predators. And Osha has no compunctions against killing predators.

Dave Fragments said...

I get the impression that Osha is afflicted with magic she can't control. It comes on her like an epileptic fit or a grand mal seizure and kills people around her. She can only solve the problem when she learns to control the magic.

That may be the thought to bring clarity to your query or hook.

"Unable to keep the wild magic in her blood from killing people, Osha of the Lion People does what..."

Phoenix Sullivan said...

Hi Author:

I'm wondering if your world has been set up well enough in your query? For instance, in this world, are humans all good and civilized beings and only the Lnethki kill for sport? How wrong is it to kill predators? I'm trying to reconcile the end of the query with Osha's conflict. What does the Lnethki woman showing up have to do with anything? What's the conflict there? Does Osha feel she HAS to kill the woman? Is she somehow fighting her base nature by trying not to kill the woman? I'm not sure I'm getting it. Sorry.

Unfortunately, as written, the query raises lots of questions for me that stall the reading rather than make me want to read on. She thinks the mages should kill her because of her wild magic, but they want to help her because of it? The "why" here seems integral to your story. Do the mages intend to use Osha to help bring others to justice once she learns to control her magic? Or do they really have a 12-step program for wild-magic wielders? And how does Taiph "recognize her humanity" when she's taunting him into killing her? It feels like an illogical plot hole in the query.

Sounds like you're going to give the query another shot. We'll be looking for your revised version!

Anonymous said...

(Author speaking again)

I get the impression that Osha is afflicted with magic she can't control. It comes on her like an epileptic fit or a grand mal seizure and kills people around her.

Yeah, and can be emotion-triggered, which is how she manages to blame herself. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll see if I can work that in better. :)



Unfortunately, as written, the query raises lots of questions for me that stall the reading rather than make me want to read on.

Yeah, which is why outside opinions help so much. :D Can't see 'em for myself... I'll see if I can take Osha's own opinions out of it enough to make the situation clear, without ditching her voice in the query.

I think I'm trying too hard to avoid it being obvious that she's an idiot about her own guilt and humanity. I think I've spent too much time with her, her thick-headedness gets on my nerves! ;) But I guess she _does_ have good reasons for thinking what she does. Loathe though I am to admit it. Stupid characters...

Thanks for the input everybody! :D I'll revise soon.