Guess the Plot
The Tea Master
1. After tea master Warren Pax saves the Xapa tribe from pirates, Mira Manchu makes a film of his exploits, starring jailbait pop tart Hamadryad Botticelli. Warren, who had once been married to Mira, but lost her to his nemesis Victor Fishfire, then marries Hamadryad. Hilarity ensues. Also, unicorns and a sea monster.
2. Foo, a young martial artist, is apprenticed to the old Master, whose Lapsang Souchong style is legendary. But when the Earl Grey Ninja attacks, terrorizing the school and the countryside, the old man is killed. Does Foo have what it takes to become the new . . . Tea Master?
3. Another Starbucks? Li Po Chuang can stand it no longer. He gathers all the other Tea Masters in the dead of night, and they dress as business executives, board a container ship, and dump all the coffee beans into the harbor. Also, a haiku-reciting vampire.
4. This urbo-pop comic thriller culminates in a battle scene as spectacular as the clash of gods when the Tea Master fights the Coffee Demon and the Vodka King for the heart of Tiffany Johnson, freshman at Kansas University.
5. Early in her career, Jane Cartwright was nothing but a scandalous latte-&-muffin stripper. Now she's the Tea Master of London and she doesn't have to put up with any guff from Guido, the brainless pizza junky from Chicago. He'll satisfy her hunger or the mash-and-banger crew will waste him.
6. The fate of Samoa hangs by a thread as a faceless fiend known as The Tea Master finishes brewing his most diabolical Cup of Doom. But all is not lost--a team of superspies are headed for the beach, disguised as ten burly surfer dudes and their amazing swimsuit photographer chick, Mae Wong.
Original Version
Dear [squidnugget of loving-kindness],
I have written a novel titled 'The Tea Master', which I would like you to read and consider representing. It is slightly over 100,000 words and set in a magic-realist version of modern day. The lead is the dopey but charming Warren Pax - but the first person we meet is his nemesis: Victor Fishfire. Warren's mother broke his wrist.
Moreover, Victor's prize-winning lilies were eaten by starstruck unicorns, his latest wife has left him... he was snubbed by the Academy, his Best Screenplay misattributed to popular children's book writer Stella de Bouillon... Victor was stoic, knowing the cause: Perpetua Pax saw his too, too brilliant film, went into labour, and died in his (now broken) arms. Her newborn son Warren barely knew Victor but grew up with filmmakers anyhow: skin-obsessed John Brown and Hong Kong-Bollywood star Mira Manchu. The youngest was jailbait pop tart Hamadryad Botticelli, rescued from a sea monster by Mira.
Warren married Mira, discovered he was a tea genius, and lost her to Victor. He hunted down the reclusive Stella, author of 'The Tea Master', to ask her to endorse his tea blends. She agreed, after he saved her and the whole Xapa tribe from a bloody pirate attack. Mira made a movie of Warren's exploits, starring Hamadryad, who Warren subsequently married.
Years later, Xapa chief Guignol died. Princes Irmuh and Andrei asked Warren to preside over the telepathic ritual for picking the new ruler. However, when Irmuh kidnapped Victor and his daughter Victoria as a bribe for Warren, the visions were overwhelmed by Warren's old Fishfire-resentment. Then when the kidnappers came for Mira, it was she who overwhelmed them.
Now Warren's old revenge motives, and Mira's new ones, collide in hallucinogenic satires of Hollywood and literature, trapping Victor, Stella and Hamadryad in the mix. It's up to them to break Mira and Warren out of the nightmare - at the price of their own dreams.
[It's been a while since I felt the need to do this, but I think we need a chart to keep our characters straight:
Warren Pax: Dopey but charming hero, tea genius.
Victor Fishfire: Warren's nemesis; not clear why.
Perpetua Pax: Warren's mother, died in Victor's arms, which she broke. Or possibly she broke only his wrist.
Mrs. Fishfire: Victor's wife, who has left him. She also leaves the query, having done nothing.
Stella de Bouillon: Got credit for Victor's screenplay. Author of The Tea Master. Not clear whether The Tea Master is the screenplay in question.
John Brown: Filmmaker. Skin-obsessed, whatever that means.
Mira Manchu: Hong Kong-Bollywood star, married Warren, dumped him for Victor. Seeks revenge on someone. Trapped in nightmare with Warren.
Hamadryad Botticelli: Trapped in "the mix" with Stella and Victor. Youngest filmmaker. Rescued from sea monster by Mira. Marries Warren after Mira dumps him.
Guignol: Xapa chief. Dead.
Victoria: Daughter of Victor. Kidnapped.
Prince Irmuh: Xapa tribesman who kidnapped Victoria. Also kidnapped Victor. Apparently as a bribe to get Warren to name him new Xapa chief.
Prince Andrei: Xapa tribesman who also wants Warren to name him chief.]
My writing credits include editorial and writing for Shiny Media, being editor of Mascaret magazine, professional blogging dating back to 1999, having scooped the Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf/People magazine scandal in the mid-90s, and being inspired by my literary heritage as a Dumas. [Are you sure you spelled that correctly?] [Sorry, cheap joke. Couldn't resist. Hey, it's Evil Editor, remember?]
I have taken the liberty of pasting the first chapter of 'The Tea Master' below. May I send you a complete manuscript?
Regards,
Notes
Unfortunately, rereading it with my chart didn't clear it up. The plot is so incomprehensible, I guarantee half the people reading this assumed it was a hoax. Start over and ask yourself, what does my main character want, and why isn't he getting it? What's he gonna do about it? Focus on that. Do not lose your focus for even one sentence.
This is a list of people and events in your book. It includes a lot of stuff that's not vital to the main plot. That happens a lot, but usually I can piece together the main plot after weeding out the rest. In this case, I have no idea what the main plot is or why I should care what happens to Warren. As you start over, I recommend you not even look at this version. Put it aside and focus.
Have you considered writing the How I Broke the Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf/People Magazine Scandal story? It sounds like a great book.
36 comments:
I'm about to drag myself to a meeting - but had to say- I saw Mae Wong, #6 GTP. Go, Mae.
This is plot salad. Maybe it would do better if pitched as a collection of short stories, not a novel.
...
...
...
WHA?!
Lots of trees. No wood.
Take a few steps back and then tell us what you see.
Jailbait pop tart? Really?
Love your writing style even though I'm thoroughly confused. It sounds very interesting, I think.
"Are you sure you spelt that correctly?"
Hahaha!
But you gotta admit, it is funny.
There's a promise here of great satire and humor.
The absolutely unfortunate thing about this query, is that I remember the Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf/People Magazine Scandal. It's like an acid flashback to the heady days of innocence. Hank used to say things like: "I could have a better conversation with a corpse!" and "Politicians have the brain of a retarded quahog with brain damage." and the truly witty comment "Go have sex with your mother!, wimp"
A confusing laundry list of plot elements. (Where does the term "laundry list" come from? Do people actually write laundry lists?
Here's what I'm wondering: the first 4 paragraphs are written in past tense. The 5th paragraph is written in present tense. Does this mean the first 4 are describing the backstory and the novel begins at paragraph 5?
Beginning with "I wrote a novel which I want you to read" illustrates where your focus is: It's on you, not the reader.
This may be why the query sounds like a teenage girl on a cell phone talking to her friend about all the latest school gossip.
I applaud your effort to go for quirk. Standing out is hard enough; figuring out a way to stand out is triply hard.
You're likely better off not taking it too far over the line, though. Read the posts and articles of book agents and editors. Despite the assurance of Web site promises that every submission is carefully considered, most agents say they read the first paragraph to see if the query is even for a genre they rep, maybe read the last paragraph to see if the query is from a multi-pubbed author looking for new representation, then skim the rest. You need to engage them at a barely conscious, partially engaged, finger-hovering-over-the-delete-key way.
That means a lot likely rides on the first paragraph and the genre. Your first two sentences, unfortunately, are a bit wordy and off-putting. If you're a mag editor, you KNOW you have to hook 'em fast.
[Something hooky happens (Bollywood, pirates and tea blends are abrew)] in THE TEA MASTER, my 100,000-word contemporary magic-realism novel.
In the third sentence, The lead makes this sound more like a script. Now, it ties in nicely with the mention of screenplays and scripts LATER ON, but first impression here is that you're a newbie who doesn't know to call Warren the MC or even protag.
And then the final sentence in that 'graph leaves the reader unclear just whose wrist was broken.
So an agent, after reading just the first paragraph, already has some preconceived notions about your writing style: it's wordy and less than sharp. And with terms like lead and magic-realist version of modern day, could be the author doesn't do a whole lot of reading themselves.
Tone down the quirk, keep the voice, and help the agent/editor see how a bunch of non sequiturs in the end add up to a rockin' good story.
As it is, EE called it: I was in the hoax camp here for a good bit of this read. And putting that character cheat sheet together probably took a LONG time!
Umm, no, Dave. You find it funny; I don't. Humour for me doesn't come out of having apparent contempt for your characters.
set in a magic-realist version of modern day.
What modern day would this be? Certainly not one that I have encountered on the rare occasions that I've emerged from my burrow.
ali: In the dear, dead days of long ago, before home washers and dryers were invented, people who didn't have their own washerwomen would send their clothes out to be laundered. They made lists of them so they could be sure they got everything back.
As I was reading the query I kept backtracking to see if I missed something but and kept thinking, "Man, my brain must be completely fried because I can't make any sense out of this," and then I got to the list and was relieved to find out that it wasn't me... woohoo... As for any suggestions on the query, follow EE's advice as closely as you can, author. Queries are a bitch to write, keep working at it.
I reckon this might work as a (very) short story, a sort of surrealistic/literary piece.
Ah, thanks Talpianna, that makes sense! And makes one more thing I learned from this query--which was actually a great demonstration of why it's important to show cause and effect within a query letter.
Don't know if this will help, but here's my take on your story:
Victor Fishfire's prize-winning lilies were eaten by starstruck unicorns, his latest wife left him. He was snubbed by the Academy. His best screenplay misattributed to popular children's book writer Stella de Bouillon. Victor knew the cause: Perpetua Pax saw his brilliant film and went into labour. She not only died in his arms, she broke his wrist and birthed his nemesis-to-be – Warren, who grew up blaming Victor for his mother’s death.
Warren Pax married Hong Kong-Bollywood star Mira Manchu, discovered he was a tea genius, then lost her to Victor. Warren hunted down the reclusive Stella, author of 'The Tea Master', to ask her to endorse his tea blends. She agreed, after he saved her and the whole Xapa tribe from a bloody pirate attack. Mira made a movie of Warren's exploits, starring Hamadryad Botticelli, who Warren subsequently married.
Years later, the Xapa asked Warren to preside over the telepathic ritual for picking their new ruler. Warren’s price – kidnap Victor, his daughter Victoria and Mira. The first two were easy, but when the kidnappers came for Mira, it was she who overwhelmed them.
Now Warren's old revenge motives, and Mira's new ones, collide in hallucinogenic satires of Hollywood and literature, trapping Victor, Stella and Hamadryad in the mix. It's up to them to break Mira and Warren out of the nightmare - at the price of their own dreams.
'The Tea Master' is slightly over 100,000 words and set in a magic-realist version of modern day.
OMG!!! A character chart!! ROTFLMAO!
I thought EE made up the last few characters, until I went back and skimmed the paragraphs again.
Sorry author, but that was a bit dizzying.
Revised Version:
Dear [name],
I've looked at a lot of agencies during the last six months of polishing "The Tea Master", a novel of modern-day fairy tales and adventure and romance, sex, love of movies and love of tea. At 98,700 words, the book is complete and [particularly interesting agency] is at the top of my list of potential representatives. Your powerful personal enthusiasm for good literature is really appealing, and the combination of instinct plus strong business savvy equals great by my math. I would be delighted if you had a place for my work.
Our hero, Warren, motherless since birth, was nearly happy once. He had a travel-rich job buying rare teas from fairies, and his film director wife, Mira, though thwarted by Hollywood sexism, had never lost a duel to a sprite, dragon or sea monster. But when Warren couldn't keep it in his pants, Mira left, to marry auteur Victor Fishfire, whose last film was widely considered to have killed Warren's mother with its artistic perfection. Discovering his childhood friend Hamadryad -- now a world famous pop tart starring in Mira's new picture THE TEA MASTER, a film uncomfortably based on her adventures with Warren -- meant to marry Victor's son, Warren snapped. He stole Hamadryad for himself and went into hiding.
They were found, by a billionaire fairy prince whose tribe Warren once saved from pirates. Their king was dead. They trusted only Warren to direct the succession enchantment. Moreover, the prince's brother meant to consolidate his own claim by marrying a little girl: Warren's previously unknown daughter.
His would-be son-in-law kidnapped Victor and Victor's beautiful offspring Victoria to give to Warren, and drugged Warren, too well, into accepting them. Out of his mind, suppressed guilt about his mother's death finally broke loose, and Warren channeled the fairy kingmaking magic into a murderous attack on Victor. Victor resisted the spell and reshaped it, into famous, violent movie scenes. As the spell wore on it came closer and closer to reality, until it forced Warren to come to terms with his mother's death. And then he... met his... smiling little daughter, Francesca...
It was love at first sight.
Born Canadian, I avoided being a writer, believing 'Canadian' writers were dull and the Dumas literary tradition involved populist crap. But I wrote anyhow, whether I was a hiphop DJ, an automotive industry consultant, or running for Parliament. After the third near-death experience I finally realized all I wanted was to write and the rest was packaging. Since then, my work's been seen by millions at Shiny Media, and I've written for joints from Seattle to Houston. My interview credits range from Douglas Adams to Robert Fripp's League of Crafty Guitarists. I was educated at Mount Allison University, Carleton University, and the University of Leicester. Currently I telecommute from eastern Canada, where my youth is being consumed by a joint condition requiring two gorgeous canes. There is a big cat and a huge cat.
Sincerely,
This needs to be shorter, and each section can afford cuts. There's too much buttering up the agent, too much about the author, and too much detail about the plot. The plot may be wild and wacky, but its description needs to be toned down from that level. The reader needs to be confident you can focus. Get to the heart of the story. Lose what isn't needed.
44 less words, a few less details, 1 less character. It's still a bit confusing to me.
And I agree with EE. The first and last paragraph are too long.
Our hero, Warren, motherless since birth, had a travel-rich job buying rare teas from fairies, and his film director wife, Mira had never lost a duel to a sprite, dragon or sea monster. But when Warren couldn't keep it in his pants, Mira left to marry auteur Victor Fishfire, whose last film was widely considered to have killed Warren's mother with its artistic perfection. Mira's new picture THE TEA MASTER was based on her adventures with Warren. Warren snapped, kidnapped the movie’s star and went into hiding.
They were found by a billionaire fairy prince whose tribe Warren once saved from pirates. The tribe’s king was dead and only Warren could direct the succession enchantment. Moreover, the prince's brother decided to consolidate his claim by marrying Francesca: Warren's previously unknown daughter.
His would-be son-in-law kidnapped Victor and Victor's beautiful offspring Victoria to give to Warren. Out of his mind, suppressed guilt about his mother's death finally broke loose, and Warren channeled the fairy kingmaking magic into a murderous attack on Victor. Victor resisted the spell and reshaped it, into famous, violent movie scenes. As the spell wore on it came closer and closer to reality, until it forced Warren to come to terms with his mother's death. And then he... met his... smiling little daughter, Francesca...
It was love at first sight.
This isn't a query; it's a blog.
Wow.
Here's what I gather the plot is:
Warren cheats on his wife, who leaves him for Victor. When Warren finds out that she's using his childhood friend Hamadryad in her latest picture, he kidnaps Hamadryad and goes on the lam.
A fairy tribe finds them and takes them in. The tribe also kidnaps Victor and his daughter Victoria as a welcome present for Warren. Warren tries to magically kill Victor, who deflects the attack.
Is that it?
Your query synopsis should be in present tense, not past.
I beg you to try to write this using the Snark Formula.
X is the main guy; he wants to do:
Y is the bad guy; he wants to do:
they meet at Z and all L breaks loose.
If they don’t resolve Q, then R starts and if they do it’s L squared.
I know enthusiasm is no substitue for practical know-how but I thought I'd mention that this world looks fascinating to me. Magic and Hollywood: not something I've seen yet.
Doesn't "love at first sight" usually refer to romantic attachments?
Wow. Still horribly confusing with way too many embedded clauses and phrases that steal the sentences focus. However, it sounds like zany fun and I might even ask for pages if I were the one who received the letter.
You need to explain the direction of the plot and omit at least half the characters you mention. We don't need to know the names of the elf prince or the backstory that he is the only person they trust with the succession rituals, for example.
Your opening sentence is too long and list-y (any more than one 'and' per sentence should be left to a master of the craft... or at least to a respected journeyman).
You're wasting valuable lines on soft soap for the agent's supposed ego.
Your final paragraph is full of non-relevant details; relevant details are your writing/life credentials that contribute to the book. If you don't have any, leave it blank.
As for what's in between the first and last paragraphs, although I now understand the basic plot, I see no reason to care about this nasty main character or his wife, or his childhood friend's possible forced marriage. Make me care about the characters and I'll be willing to follow a convoluted plot.
You also need to revisit the use of the comma.
AR: Magic and Hollywood? Try this:
http://tinyurl.com/6bj7vs
Isn't the prince's brother also a prince?
Revised Version:
Dear [agent],
"The Tea Master" is a magical-realist novel is about Warren, a tea buyer who sees naked princesses in amusement parks, is hunted by unicorns and accused of murder, and vacillates as to who he hates more: himself, or the world's greatest living filmmaker, Victor Fishfire. It is complete at 98,700 words. [Agency] is at the top of my list of potential representatives because I admire your passion for great new works of fiction.
It was generally considered Warren's mother saw Victor's movie and died because the film was too terrific. Or did she just die giving birth to Warren? Did Victor then steal Warren's wife Mira, or did Mira leave because Warren was a chronic adulterer? Surrounded by superstars and billionaires, Warren says his conflicts make him want a quiet, good life as a doctor. That is, until a fairy prince who would be Prime Minister wants Warren's help in gaining office, and offers Victor's life in exchange. Then all find that a heart full of guilt and revenge is stronger than magic, and truth, however quiet, is stronger still. Strongest of all, however, is an outraged Mira, descending on her ex-husband to rescue her current one, with a boatload of ninjas.
My work has appeared before millions of unique readers at Shiny Media, and in magazines from Seattle to Houston. Currently I telecommute from eastern Canada, where my youth is being consumed by a joint condition requiring two gorgeous canes.
The manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Much clearer, just as intoxicatingly wacky, still needs a bit of technical brushup in my opinion. My best advice: don't try to be "artsy." Allow what you are saying to dictate how you say it.
Ok let me try this again.
I really hesitated commenting because I am going to sound like a witch. However, you seem to be sincere about your desire to write so I am going to give my opinion.
"The Tea Master" is a magical-realist novel is about Warren, a tea buyer who sees naked princesses in amusement parks, is hunted by unicorns and accused of murder. He vacillates as to whom he hates more: himself, or the world's greatest living filmmaker, Victor Fishfire.
It is complete at 98,700 words. [Agency] is at the top of my list of potential representatives because I admire your passion for great new works of fiction.
If this is the reason you chose them, then you might as well say I chose you because you have a business card. If an agent doesn't have a passion for great new works of fiction they are in the wrong business. Aside from that, what you are saying is you have a great new work of fiction. Let the manuscript show how great it is.
Pick out a specific reason for choosing this agency.
It was generally considered Warren's mother saw Victor's movie and died because the film was too terrific. Or did she just die giving birth to Warren? Did Victor then steal Warren's wife Mira, or did Mira leave because Warren was a chronic adulterer? S
You should be showing the agent your story not asking them questions about it.
Then all find that a heart full of guilt and revenge is stronger than magic, and truth, however quiet, is stronger still. Strongest of all, however, is an outraged Mira, descending on her ex-husband to rescue her current one, with a boatload of ninjas.
This is all very confusing.
You really need to get more focus. Pick out a plot line and be very judicious in what you promote.
My work has appeared before millions of unique readers at Shiny Media,
Shiny Media is a blog. Blogs aren't writing credentials. When the agent looks up Shiny Media and sees a blog group I think you will have an immediate form letter.
and in magazines from Seattle to Houston.
Which magazines and name the articles.
Currently I telecommute from eastern Canada,
How do you telecommute?
where my youth is being consumed by a joint condition requiring two gorgeous canes.
This is a gut-wrenching situation, but you can't put personal things like this in your query. You want to be looked at as a professional writer and that is all you want the agent to focus on.
After you wow them with your writing then you can be more personal if you wish.
I think you have the makings of a wacky, fun story, but you have to focus very tightly in a query letter.
Look up the Snowflake Novel Writing site and take some tips from him. It gives you a breakdown of how to distill the essence of your story.
I wish you a lot of luck with your writing and I truly do wish you blessings on your health.
Sorry, but I still can't work up any feelings for any of the characters. What's more, I can't even tell which ones YOU are sympathetic with. I'd be inclined to make Victor the hero and Warren the villain.
And I STILL can't tell the players--even with a scorecard!
You have an interesting voice and this sounds like a fun book, but the query is getting worse for me. Can you boil it down to 4 sentences and then add in a bit more detail?
Right now, I think you're trying too hard to get it all in. Pick one character who is your MC and try to tell the story without mentioning anyone else. See how that goes. Then add in one or two others. Or something along these lines. Too many characters require too much explanation and get too confusing in this short space.
I hope I'm being helpful rather than piling on, but at this point I've almost lost hope that the novel makes any sense. The query has to be a straightforward description of what happens to the main character and why. You keep adding things (like that seeing-naked-princesses, hunting-unicorns line) that make your query LESS clear, not MORE. I assume you're doing it to make your story sound unique, but it just muddies things. Add that to the extra "is" in the first line of the first paragraph, and the bizarre wording of the first line of the second paragraph, and I can't see very many agents taking their time with this. We minions will do it because we enjoy it and want to see you succeed. I just don't know what else to tell you that hasn't been said in the comments already, and you don't seem to be getting any closer.
Sorry to add negativity to the heap, but this is indeed worse than before. The opening line was inexplicably off-putting to me. Sounds like a random grocery list instead of intriguing things that make Warren unusual...and which, not coincidentally, pull us into the events of the story.
What is the main plot? Tell that first. And only tell that. When you get that much down, then you can add a little bit more into the story.
Why don't you give us a one-sentence description of the main plot and maybe the minions can help you shape all this disparate information into a query?
You're still throwing a lot of stuff in for no good reason. That might appeal to some, but here's what I would boil what you've written down to:
The Tea Master is a magic-realism novel about Warren, a tea buyer who can't decide who he hates more: himself, or Victor Fishfire, the world's greatest living filmmaker. Warren hates Victor because Warren's mother died right after seeing Victor's latest movie. Apparently the film was too terrific.
Also, Victor stole Warren's wife Mira. Or did Mira leave because Warren was a chronic adulterer? He doesn't seem to remember.
Warren says he wants a quiet life as a doctor, but when a fairy prince who wants Warren's help in becoming prime minister offers Victor's life in exchange, Warren accepts. He soon finds that a heart full of guilt is stronger than magic, and truth is stronger still. Strongest of all, however, is an outraged Mira, descending on her ex-husband to rescue her current one, with a boatload of ninjas.
The Tea Master is complete at 98,700 words.
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