Why you don't get published.
Friday, December 07, 2007
New Beginning 417
“Excuse me.” Irene lightly tapped him on the shoulder – rock solid under his heavy coat. “I believe I was here first.” Her words smoked in the air between them.
He turned slowly, raising his left eyebrow. His gaze lowered to her feet, then back to her face. Piercing blue eyes locked on her brown ones. “Yeah right.” His gaze lowered again. This time it came to rest on her chest.
Irene’s shoulders hunched forward in automatic response even though no one could see her breasts through her parka. She drew breath to speak, but it whooshed out in another cloud of smoke as he turned his back on her.
“Well I never . . . ” She began in her most irritated voice.
He glanced back. “Probably the heart of your problem. I’d help you with that, but I’m on a tight schedule.”
"Oh my God!" Irene stared at his chiseled face. "You sounded just like Cary Grant!"
"Really," he said in clipped syllables. "And you, my dear, are the image of Doris Day."
"Oh. My. God." Irene bit her bottom lip for a moment. "Is it fate? What do you think this means?"
"We both wanted to sleep with Rock Hudson?"
As Irene's jaw dropped, the man stepped forward to the service counter. "Well," he said, glancing back at her, "I guess I got there before you twice now."
Opening: Sarah L......Continuation: Anonymous
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Unchosen Continuation:
Irene could feel her heat rising, but whether it was in anger or in passion she couldn't say. Something about being treated poorly always got her interest. She longed to touch that rock hard shoulder again. "You know that's no way to treat a lady."
He slowly shook his head. "A dame like you. Don't know how you wanna be treated. Or you know what you want, but you can't admit it."
Irene's face grew pink. Just what was this rock hard gentleman, uh, gentleman insinuating? That she, that she was attracted to a man such as this? Impossible! Well, true but impossible nonetheless. She tapped him on the shoulder again.
"Look, lady, I'm trying to drive the train, okay?! Do you want us to wreck?"
"No, no, of course not." Irene felt as hot as the locomotive's engine. She needed relief. "Could you, um, drive the train through the tunnel a few more times?"
--Pacatrue
Pleasepleaseplease have her say something besides "Well, I never..."
I don't think we need "even though no one could see her breasts through her parka." With him in a heavy coat and her breath creating smoke, it's easy to assume her breasts are covered. I doubt we'd see them even if she took off the parka.
The woman saying Well I never . . . and the man making a crack sounds like a conversation between Ruth Buzzi and Arte Johnson on Laugh-in. Not that I'm saying don't use it, it's amusing. But people don't actually say "Well I never . . . " anymore, do they? Maybe this woman does, but don't have her say something unusual just so he can make a clever retort. I assume there's more to this conversation than his joke. This encounter is important to the plot, right?
I remember getting into an argument like this, and the guy had the nerve to accuse me of what he'd just done--going around the line and shoving in front. I certainly didn't say "Well I never", but I was left choking with fury.
Oh well.
Hmmm. Yeah. It is a trite comment. But EE was asking for openings and I grabbed this one. Surprised me there's actually very little written after this part. I have a story idea lurking in the back of my brain, but this one is far down the priority list.
They're in line for a job opening and he cut in front of her. Only she doesn't know he's the boss who's doing the hiring and he's cut in line to get into the building.
The basic gist is he hires her and they fall in love, but I might throw in some magic - the hocus pocus kind - and some sort of mystery.
The story is still percolating. (Does anything percolate anymore.)
Ooh, Sarah. My entirely non-writerly, subjective reaction to your plot descripto: Ick.
To each their own, of course! But ... The hiring boss is giving job candidates the eye and making inappropriate comments on the job to a woman he doesn't know? That's spelled "harassment." What an ass! And the woman who doesn't turn him in and accepts a position under him (apparently in more ways than one) gets zilch in the way of sympathy or respect from me.
Since you're still working on the storyline, I would need some kind of signal by the time she accepts the job that she intends to use some of her own hocus to thwart that pocus mentality of his real quick. Maybe she takes the job to get revenge on him at first, then discovers his attitude is a facade to cover up some emotional lack or some such? I dunno. But the setup in your comment (which I'm sure was made quickly) just screams "ick" to me.
Caveat: I have a heroine who falls in love with the guy who attacked her household, burned her home, and stood by and watched her father be killed -- all in the name of war. I raised some "ick" factors of my own with that storyline on this blog, too. But I think as long as the story arc shows proper motivation and emotional growth, you can get away with a lot. You likely have that in your head; it just didn't make it to your comment. Right? Please say right.
Author, I like the situation as you described it in your comment, but maybe with a little less creepoid factor than the opening contains.
The p.o.v. is a little off to me in this--why use Irene's name, but only refer to the man as "him?" If it was his (close third person point of view), that might make sense, but the description of his rock solid shoulder and his piercing blue eyes belies that. If it's a more distant third person p.o.v., both characters should be identified. If it's her p.o.v., he should be identified as "the man" (or something more descriptive, preferably) in the first sentence.
I liked this!!!!!!! I liked the way it sounded like an old fashioned movie conversation which is exactly what some other people seemed not to like. To each his (or her!) own I guess...
I didn't find this icky at all either! I see this sort of behavior all the time and it doesn't suprise me one tiny bit. Not that I agree with men acting that way but it does seem realistic. For me the key will be in how she RESPONDS to him. If she stands up for herself then she will win my support. If she acts like a weakling scaredy cat then I will not care to read any farther. But I have faith that you will do the "write" thing because I think you are extremely talented!!!!!! GO SARAH!!!!!1
^_^
Ick factor. Yeah. She does have some revenge side to her. In fact, she beats him into the building in spite of his cutting in line.
They (hopefully) have a very exciting time getting to the love part with lots of conflict with each other along the way and growth for both of them.
Thanks for the POV talk. I have to think about where the POV is in this story.
This is not my usual genre. But that's good for stretching my writing skills.
My feeling is the writing has to take into context the time and society it's meant to portray. What sounds like an ick factor might be very realistic for either the time period or the portrayed culture.
Personally, I liked the continuation. I also found it clever, especially since it caught the patter of dialogue so typical of an earlier time and society.
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