The great hall fell into silence. The sudden absence of noise came so quickly and intensely that it made Rol's skin crawl. A pervasive fear had sprung upon every living thing in the hall; Rol could see it in every face he looked into. Even the hulking man to his right had a nervous look about him.
A figure swept through the archway and strode towards the center of the floor. It was a man, tall and gaunt, with a thin mustache and a small patch of beard on his chin like a dagger. His eyes were sunken and almost as dark as the tendrils of hair crowning his head. He wore a black suit of sorts, made of a thick material that crunched as he walked.
"We welcome his imminence, Lord Paril to the floor," croaked the head councilman, striking the gavel lightly, as if not to offend the man far below.
"Thank you, councilman," said Paril artificially. His voice had a cruel, mocking inflection. "It is always a pleasure to be in the presence of my loyal servants."
The large man to the right of Rol gave a small snort but remained still.
Paril spread his arms wide and cast his gaze upon the hundred or so beings seated around the great hall.
“Ambassadors, councilors, generals . . . ” Paril’s voice was rich and the distant walls of the great hall gave it an extra depth. “I have today received a communication from Corquin. The Niracs have surrendered.” A ripple of approval traveled through the hall. “We are triumphant.” The ripple became a wave. “We have conquered the twin planets of Miranden.” The shouts and cheers from the audience became deafening.
Paril waited for the noise to abate before continuing. “After seven long years, the war is over, and . . . ” He lowered his arms and looked around the hall; his voice fell and he shrugged. “That’s about it. We’ll pay you ’til the end of the week. Be sure and clear out your desks, and, ah, thanks for all your help. Couldn’t have done it without you. Really.”
The great hall fell into silence. Their fears had not been unfounded.
Opening: Nick Berggreen.....Continuation: Anonymous
18 comments:
Unchosen Continuations:
Paril spread his arms wide and cast his gaze upon the hundred or so beings seated around the great hall, and then started to speak in a slow assured gait.
"Welcome to Lord Paril's Writing Workshop." He walked towards a nervous looking man in glasses with a balding head. "You! Fantasy, is it?"
"Um, uh, yes, Lord Paril."
"Pray, does. it. have. a. portal?"
"Um, well, not really a portal as such, more of a nexus of time travel-"
Lord Paril stuck a rapier through the man's neck. When the screams ended, he walked towards a woman in a flower skirt and mossy brown hair.
"Excuse me, madam, but are you by chance writing the literature of the chick?"
"Why? Um, yes, my lord."
"And does. it. mention. shoooes?"
"Not in the first five pages!!"
As the baseball bat came up, the authors smashed the windows and doors in their mad escape.
--Pacatrue
Paril's show of power was too much for many of the councilmen as they fainted dead away. Only the strongest of councilmen could face Paril, who hadn't used deodorant in over twelve years.
--Bill Highsmith
How come villains never look like Brad Pitt?
How come villains never look like Brad Pitt?
Well, unless you count Rusty Ryan in Ocean's 11/12/13, Mickey O'Neil in Snatch, Rory Devaney in The Devil's Own, Tyler Durden in Fight Club...
To the author:
"We welcome his imminence..." is unintentionally funny.
I think maybe you mean eminence?
-Nikki
"the literature of the chick" - good one, pacatrue.
Star Trek's Voyager had a nexus of time, space and unused, completely-virginal, blondish brain cells.
I think I've read this before. Black hair, black clothes, Fu Manchu goatee - It's Ming!
But seriously, You have a standard villian here. I think that you need to work a bit to make him uniquely bad and worthy of scorn.
Battle-scarred soldiers, veterans of many campaigns, stood silent and shuffled from foot to foot as Lord Paril entered the hall.
What fabric is "sorts"? What is the black material he's dressed in? It's not silk taffeta or West Point Wool, is it. Does it absorb light? Does it glimmer as he walks? Does it contain the souls of unfortunates who crossed Paril?
A cruel, mocking voice
Bernita just had a post about the sound of a voice and a lively discussion about the subject. Hop over to her blog and read yesterdays post.
A voice, a voice.
It is high pitched? Thin like the wind through bamboo? Deep like thunder? Raspy from too much cheap booze and cigarettes the night before?"
The Overlord Enters the Great Hall scene is always more dramatic on film than in words...but where is the fanfare, the announcing trumpet? The slam of the bronze council doors?
Some cliches ( skin crawl) and some half-similes ( sprung - like an animal?) and awkward phrasing ( of sorts, artificially)
Might read better is you didn't bundle your descriptions. For example have his sunken eyes survey the nervous crowd before he mocks them.
Has promise though.
Loved the continuation! It captured the author's voice really well. Liked the humor in Pacatrue's more. Newbie Bill's was pretty good too!
I liked the first paragraph. It pulled me in and felt like a smooth read. The second paragraph seemed clunky in comparison. So he's a tall, skinny dude with a goatie. Wasn't sufficiently intimidated by him. I like Bernita's suggestion about more fanfare, and some ornate door being flung open.
There's not enough tension yet.
Cheers,
(The Artist formerly known as Takoda)
I didn't like the writing style much because it uses adjectives and adverbs as a crutch. I'd suggest trying to make your nouns and verbs more potent.
The piece also "tells" rather than "shows" us what's going on. Try to paint the scene more vividly in the reader's mind, rather than simply telling us what's happening.
Here's an example:
...said Paril artificially.
How does one speak artificially? With a voice simulator?
If you want to imply Paril is being insincere, then try to either imply that in the words he chooses, or describe his tone of voice so accurately the reader can figure out on their own that Paril is being insincere.
If you can trick the reader's brain into filling in the blanks for you, it means you've succeeded in drawing them into the story. When you "tell" rather than "show" something, the reader's brain doesn't need to engage and that means the reading experience is much less potent for them.
Good luck with this!
Well, my 10 year old son (big Potter fan) said he wants to read the rest of the book. (I had to let him read the opening since my laughter over the continuations caught his attention). So, if you're aiming for a YA/MG market, you've got it. And if you want a young reader to look over the rest of the first chapter, let me know, because he really wants to know what happens next.
If it's an adult novel, things like "said Paril artificially" and starting with the stereotypical bad guy might put readers off.
"Thank you, councilman," said Paril artificially.
I'd drop "artificially," as you explain his fakeness in the very next sentence.
This was a pretty good start; I'd probably read on to see what happens. But I would try to limit those adverbs as much as possible. Try to use actions/reactions and dialogue to get your point across instead.
Good luck with it.
~Nancy
I liked the first paragraph and then I had to agree with the other commenters that you started getting a little cliched. Also, try to get rid of the adverbs! When I finished my manuscript I spent a day doing a search for all -lys and ruthlessly deleting them unless they were absolutely (ha!) necessary. I think I ended up with 10 adverbs in my entire 100,000 word manuscript when I was done.
But I think you definitely (another adverb!) did a nice job creating atmosphere.
This is a great place to start, but I think the writing could be trimmed a bit, not just the adverby thing. For example, 'He wore a black suit of sorts, made of a thick material that crunched as he walked.' - What's a 'suit of sorts'? What is it made of that crunches? Being more specific would cut down on the words and bring more clarity. Again: A pervasive fear had sprung upon every living thing in the hall; Rol could see it in every face he looked into. 'Fear froze the battle-scarred faces that lined the long tables.' More direct, and says something more about his dining companions (maybe the wrong thing; I'm just trying to give an example).
For what it's worth, I think the second line of the first para is more impactful than the first. You could slip 'great hall' into that, or the next sentence.
You use so many adverbs/adjectives, that you become redundant--which is usually the case when you overuse adverbs/adjectives.
For example, “The sudden absence of noise came so quickly and intensely that it made Rol's skin crawl.”
“Sudden” and “came so quickly” mean the same thing.
Another example, “It was a man, tall and gaunt, with a thin mustache and a small patch of beard on his chin like a dagger.”
Saying “small patch” is redundant because the word “patch” makes the reader visualize something small. If you said “a patch of beard,” that would be an example of using “potent nouns,” as jjdebenedictis said.
Be careful about trying to be too creative with your description, because then you end up with this, “thick material that crunched as he walked.” If there is material that crunches, than I do not know what it is, maybe you inform your reader about it.
Good luck! I’m sure there is a brilliant story in there.
As Bernita said, chunking description tends to stop a reader cold. I was settling into the story with the first paragraph, then all of a sudden the story stopped and we were given a chunk of description.
I did a really quick rewrite just to show how to sprinkle in your description and make it more active. And remember, we don't need everything told to us up front unless something about Paril's description becomes a crucial plot point in the next 150 words. You can have Rol fixate on his daggered beard later on.
The great hall fell silent. In that sudden absence of noise a pervasive fear engulfed the room. Rol felt it in the hair that prickled on his neck, and saw it in the nervous stare of the hulking senator to his right.
A man dressed in black tafetta swept through the proscenium archway, oblivious to the scores of councilmen bowing as he passed. Despite his gaunt and sunken appearance, Lord Paril commanded the room with his easy, haughty stance.
"We welcome His Eminence to the floor," the head councilman announced, striking his gavel lightly, as if not to offend the dark-eyed man far below.
"Thank you, Councilman," Paril responded, and even from where he sat, Rol heard the sarcasm in the magistrate's voice. "It is a pleasure always to be in the presence of my loyal servants."
The large man beside Rol gave a small snort but remained still.
Paril spread his arms wide and cast his gaze upon the hundred or so beings seated around the hall.
Now, you try in your voice and words.
Ha! A worthy shredit, indeed.
Sigh!
From Phoenix's post:
"It is a pleasure always to be in the presence of my loyal servants."
try:
"I take sublime pleasure in addressing any council of loyal servants, friends and supporters. I cherish the memories of each address," Paril said, eyeing the most vocal critics at the council table. He swept into a chair and put his hands together in front of his face. "I these you're munificent meetings." His face a mask of delight. his eyes narrowed and cold.
One of the councilmen snorted his coffee and turned away to spit on the floor and hack his lungs clear.
"Poor man, you should stay in bed with a cough like that. It might put you in the grave if you neglect it." Paril's eyes laughed at the man's discomfort.
now that is sarcasm. If you want a sarcastic character, don't make him wimpy. Give him a voice and a sneer. Make Paril's meaning behind the words say "what cat shit do you want from me now, jerks?"
Yeah, have him dripping in sarcasm. In fact, why not go the whole hog and put him in drag, too.
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