Guess the Plot
The Honory
A university dean gives an Honorary degree to someone later convicted of being a serial killer. Should he rescind it even though the guy is now the university's most famous alumnus?
Mara didn't want to participate in the Honary, a trial in which the winner gets the title of Distinction, and the losers die, but now that she's entered, she's gonna beat her sister, even if she has to cheat.
Since honoraries tend to be rare, this is about an honory which isn't rare, and so no one wants it which makes it suicidally depressed. Also, Jeeves cleans house.
The mystical Honary, an ancient knife sharpener, has been discovered by a novice archaeologist. But will he use it for the good of mankind, or to aid criminals?
Original Version
Dear ___,
I am seeking representation for THE HONORY, an 80,000-word New Adult dark fantasy novel with YA crossover appeal, the planned first of a trilogy. [According to Google, you either misspelled "honorary," or you meant ornery.]
Mara Tedros was never meant to survive until Convocation. Nearly magic-less and overshadowed by her prodigy twin sister, Asha, she has spent four years in The Institution trying desperately to scrape by unnoticed. Especially when it came time for The Honory. A lethal rite held one week before Convocation, for those few daring graduates to compete for the title of Distinction, and the Emperor’s coveted blessing. While Mara may want nothing to do with these death-defying trials, Asha is a favorite to succeed. [If the lethal rite is only for those daring enough to compete, and Mara has no interest in competing, why was she not meant to survive?] [Also "not meant to survive" suggests someone meant for her to die. Which may be the case, but if not, I'd say she was never expected to survive. Or even "she never expected to survive."] {I assume "survive" means "stay alive." If it just means she wasn't expected to stick out the whole four years, make that clear.]
But when a catastrophic misstep leaves her one friend injured the night before the competition, Mara does the unthinkable: she bargains with a revenant. A cursed spirit outlawed by the faith – feared for his mischief and ruin – he offers her the strength to keep her friend safe as she enters the rite alongside him. [As we don't know her one friend's gender, we have to figure out whether you mean as her (girl) friend enters alongside the revenant, or as Mara enters alongside her (boy) friend.] Binding herself to a power that even Asha cannot reach, one that corrodes her mind. Power capable of defying the gods themselves.
[Wouldn't it be easier for the revenant to bind itself to the friend, so Mara doesn't have to participate in the Honory?]
Thrown into The Honory with slipping thoughts, a friend to protect, and a revenant tethered to her soul, it becomes clear that these trials are not all Mara must survive, but the monster she’d brought with her. As the forsaken whispers her name, urging her towards ruin, Mara fears what might consume her first: The Honory or her faith. [The revenant is referred to as the monster and the cursed spirit; is he also the forsaken, or is that someone else?]
Currently, I am a graduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, with a cluster in creative writing, and a longstanding passion for books. I have a previous novel online, which has amassed over 35,000 readers and earned modest awards, but The Honory is my first traditional publication. As a woman of color, my stories are grounded in the cultural roots of my female protagonists, as I feel it is important to discuss underrepresented backgrounds and histories. The Honory, in particular, leans heavily into an ancient Persian-inspired setting, a psychologically fractured narrative voice, Zoroastrianism beliefs, and a Sanskrit-based magic system. All of which delivers dark academia intrigue, and a lyrical exploration of power over devotion. It will appeal to fans of the gritty, historical cheek presented in The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang, and A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik. [PERSONALIZED REASON FOR SPECIFIC AGENT]. [That's a really long paragraph. Being an author of color is a selling point with many agents. I'm not sure "Zoroastrianism beliefs, and a Sanskrit-based magic system" are worth mentioning. In fact, this is probably enough information for your bio paragraph:
As a woman of color, my stories are grounded in the cultural roots of my female protagonists. The Honory, in particular, leans heavily into its characters' underrepresented backgrounds and histories, while delivering dark academia intrigue and a lyrical exploration of power over devotion. It will appeal to fans of the gritty, historical cheek presented in The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang, and A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik.]
With my pride and pleasure, I hope you enjoy The Honory.
Notes
Why can't the friend withdraw from the competition after they're injured? A guy in a wheelchair or on crutches has no chance in a lethal death-defying contest.
After much of the first plot paragraph was devoted to the Mara/Asha relationship, one might expect Asha to get injured and Mara to help her win anyway. But Asha disappears from the query. If Mara has to decide whether to help her friend win, or to let up and let Asha win, that's worth mentioning.
I didn't get a feel for this "bargain" with the revenant. Mara gets god-like power allowing her to keep her friend safe, and the revenant gets . . . to tether itself to her soul? To corrode her mind? With power enough to defy even the gods, she ought to be able to untether herself from a mere revenant.
How is this revenant even there? Revenants have been outlawed by the faith. Is it invisible? Disguised?
Can you describe the Honory with more specifics than death-defying and lethal? Is it an athletic competition? Is it some kind of test like they once gave women to prove whether they were witches? Is magic useful in winning the Honary? Or banned?
I don't think I'd include revenants' "mischief" among the reasons they're feared and outlawed. Taking peoples' souls is more serious than just a prank.
There's nothing wrong with using sentence fragments for emphasis, but four out of ten plot sentences may be overdoing it. Maybe tack a couple of them onto the previous sentence with a comma or semicolon.
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