The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1439 would like feedback on the following version of the query:
Harlow is the last corrupted human alive. She’s been strong enough to contain the curse within her, which forces her to spread dark magic that turns others into ash. One touch will reveal her secret [Not clear if this means touching someone turns them to ash, or if physical contact with you reveals Harlow has this curse and you better run before she's forced to turn you to ash.] [If she fails to contain the curse, does the dark magic turn everyone to ash, or everyone nearby, or everyone she touches?] and her strength is slipping. If she can reach the queen’s palace, the mages there can cure her. She hopes. [I would change to something like this: Harlow is the last corrupted human alive. So far, she’s managed to contain the curse within her, but one lapse and she'll be forced to spread dark magic that turns others into ash. Instead of "others," you might be more specific about who and how many. Also, I left out the mages, as someone else claims to have a cure, and she doesn't know if either option will work.]
When her older brother, Len, is accused of serving the banished prince and stealing an ancient relic, he mysteriously disappears. Branded as his accomplice and with her secret exposed, [How was her secret exposed? Did she turn anyone into ash?] Harlow is thrown into chaos [Thrown into chaos? What does that mean?] until an assassin intervenes and offers escape. Taken into a secret society, their leader explains her curse is a power that can find corrupted objects, just like the one Len stole. [That sentence, technically, says that the leader is taken into the secret society. Better to say Harlow is taken into a secret society whose leader explains . . . ] If she brings it to him, he’ll let her go. He might even tell her where to find a cure without the mages['] help. [how to remove the curse.]
While Harlow learns to harness the curse, she discovers the relic’s true purpose: to turn life into Corruption. Caught between the queen’s executioners and the banished prince hunting Len, she has no choice but to work with the assassin. As their uneasy alliance forges an undeniable spark, Harlow faces an impossible choice: save the kingdom, Len, or herself. That’s if the curse doesn’t force her to become a nightmare first. [Become a killer?] [I don't think you need the first sentence of this paragraph. You don't explain how discovering the relic's purpose affects anything.]
Notes
If the prince is hunting Len, why would anyone think Len is serving the prince?
1 comment:
Hey author, EE covered most of the things that still need to be clarified or removed, but here's a few more.
Corrupted human doesn't automatically mean cursed. You might want to just go with "Harlow was born cursed" or something like that.
The second sentence can be read as her containing the curse is what's forcing her to spread dark magic which probably isn't what you mean. You might want to rephrase.
Irrelevant if you remove the sentence, but why is there an "if" on reaching the queen's palace?
I would have thought her brother would have vanished with stolen object long before "when he's accused". Does he vanish in front of people as he's being arrested? (if so, might want to say that)
How/when/where does the assassin intervene? What's he offer an escape from?
Finding corrupted objects turns people into ash? Are there other affects than just those two?
If she doesn't bring leader the object he'll do what? Is there a reason he's not worried about her turning him into ash? You might do better to just state the bribe of offering her a cure.
What exactly does "turn life into Corruption" mean? Is it just the one relic, or all corrupted objects that do so?
Why is she involved with/caught between the queen's executioners and the banished prince? It sounds more like a race to find the relic before something bad happens, in which case it might help to state what might happen that worries them.
You probably don't need the banished prince mentioned in the query.
A choice is still possible even if she doesn't like the options. Why is only one of those options possible? A bit more detail might help.
What does "become a nightmare" mean exactly?
good luck
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