The Lesser Evil
1. Harvey Weinstein or Ghislaine Maxwell?
2. Donald Trump or Mitch McConnell?
3. The demon who's offering you eternal life in hell, or the priest who made your childhood a hell on Earth?
4. The judge who refused to grant you a restraining order against your abusive husband, or your abusive husband who would've ignored the order anyway?
5. The unshaven guy who just broke in the door, or the clean shaven, guy who kidnapped you and is holding you captive?
6. The serial killer who has you duct taped to an operating table in his dungeon, or the guy who gave you a date rape drug and then sold you to the serial killer?
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Hazel thought she was street smart. This illusion came crashing down with a billy club to the back of her head.
Her captor thinks no one can find them in the wilds of the Virginia mountains, least of all by someone that isn’t looking for either of them. Turns out they are both idiots today [he's wrong too].
Trapped in a cabin with the unexpected, they have the same goal - - escape.
The unexpected looks like Hazel’s usual clientele - - tattooed, unshaven, slightly greasy unkept [unkempt] hair, wild eyes, [orange jumpsuit with "Department of Corrections"] printed on the back, and the scent of angry hopelessness. Maybe that’s cheap whiskey, but the two are easily confused. [I wouldn't say the scent of angry hopelessness is easily confused with the scent of cheap whiskey. I might say they go hand in hand.] Her captor seems to be the polar opposite; clean shaven, not a hair out of place and new clothes that release a pleasant scent as he moved [moves]. [I gotta get some of those clothes. Does J.C. Penney carry them?] One thing these two have in common, they’re equally dangerous. At least the unexpected wore clothes that branded him as dangerous, [Could you be more specific? Any of these?]
unlike her captor who’s a wolf in sleek clothing.
[If Hazel thinks a guy who looks like her usual clientele is as dangerous as a guy who knocked her unconscious and transported her to a secluded cabin, she needs to start serving a classier clientele. Maybe instead of focusing on the unexpected's looks, tell us what makes him as big a threat as her captor. Does he have a weapon? Has he said anything threatening? I think if someone knocked me out and I woke up in a cabin in the wilds of the mountains, I'd welcome the intervention of a third party, even one with tattoos and greasy hair.]
Hazel’s sure neither has the intention of letting the other leave the cabin alive [Why not? Neither one of them is gonna go to the police] and her odds for survival, which weren’t good to start with, are getting lower by the minute. What was supposed to be a light dusting of snow is turning into a full on blizzard and none of them are [no one is] leaving anytime soon. [How does she know what the weather report called for in the mountains?]
2 comments:
Writer, congratulations on finishing writing your book.
What you have here is more of a short-story situation than a novel-length plot. You need to tell the agent/editor enough for them to have a good idea what the book is going to be like. If the entire thing takes place in the cabin, you need to convince them there's enough content for a novel.
Other things that might help: Why was Hazel abducted? What does her captor want from her? What's she being threatened with? Death? Lifelong imprisonment? Why does she think the two guys want to kill each other? Why does she have to pick sides? What else does she plan on doing? What other obstacles does/might she face?
And seconding what EE said about proofreading/editing.
Good luck.
For some reason,the summary seems to have a sexual undertone. Maybe it's just my weird mind talking. Not that either of the gents sounds like much of a prize, but damn, getting cracked on the head is definitely a turn off. Side note: after being locked up for a bit, the escaped felon is probably a great lay... Hope the main character has a condom in her pocket.
-❤️ Nut
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