Feedback Request

The author of the query most recently seen here would like feedback on the following version:

Ratman, a giant rat with mind control abilities and an annoying habit of turning invisible, is on the loose. That’s not exactly what twelve-year-old Cody was expecting when he snuck into a secret underground city.

But why is that freaky fur-face attacking him--and only him?

Maybe it’s because Cody’s from the surface, and outsiders are absolutely not allowed. Or maybe it’s because everyone else down there has awesome paranormal abilities like reading minds and levitating objects.

Cody suspects it’s because he’s been searching for the missing Detectors, the underground people who protect the city from natural disasters and invading beasts. If he finds them, he’ll be a hero and he’s sure the city leaders will let him stay. [Why should a 12-year-old kid who's unfamiliar with this place be able to find the Detectors when the people with awesome paranormal powers who live there can't?] 

Whatever the reason, Ratman has already pushed Cody down the Devil’s Mouth hole, roasted him with a hot crystal, and tried to drown him in the river. But since Cody is the only one who ever sees the giant rat, no one else believes Ratman even exists.

Now Cody’s determined to hunt down Ratman in order to find the Detectors and save the city from whatever this whiskered weirdo is plotting--or at least before Ratman’s next attack actually kills him.

Notes

Not clear why Cody wants to stay in a place where he's absolutely not allowed to be and where he's already been attacked three times by a creature that wants him dead.

In any case, this is mostly setup. We know Cody's situation and his goal but how does he plan to achieve this goal? What goes wrong when he puts his plan into action? If he's choosing to be here instead of going home, why? What will happen if he fails to find the Detectors?

If you trim your query down to:

Ratman, a giant rat with mind control abilities and an annoying habit of turning invisible, is on the loose. That’s not what twelve-year-old Cody was expecting when he snuck into a secret underground city whose residents all have awesome paranormal powers.

But why is that freaky fur-face attacking him--and only him?

Cody suspects it’s because he’s been searching for the missing Detectors, the underground people who protect the city from natural disasters and invading beasts. If he finds them, he’ll be a hero and he’s sure the city leaders will let him stay, instead of sending him back to his horrible abusive parents.

... you'll have room  to tell us something that happens. For instance:

Cody figures the Detectors are being held captive by Ratman. If he can follow the creature, to his lair, he might be able to free them, but so far he almost dies every time he gets near Ratman. Obviously he's gonna need help from . . . who else? Batman!

If the other people are also looking for the Detectors, why is Ratman only attacking Cody? If they aren't looking for the Detectors, why not?

Feedback Request

The author of the opening featured in New Beginning 1029 would like feedback on the following revision:



The trees didn’t say a word. They never did. They watched.

Well today, I watched them right back. I stood in the middle of the dog park, staring at the woods in the distance. The sun roasted my shoulders right through my Green Lantern t-shirt, but I didn’t move.

Every day those freaky trees huddled along the back of the dog park like giant green aliens studying me for some crazy experiment. But today, their leaves flickered in the breeze as if a million green fingers were reaching out, begging me to come inside.

What were those trees hiding in there?

Of course Mom’s warning blared in my brain. I mean it, Cody, she’d said a bazillion times. It’s too dangerous. Gangs and drug addicts hang out in those woods. I don’t care what the other boys do. You’re never to go in there. Understand, Cody? Never.

Never? C’mon. Is never supposed to mean not ever for the rest of my life?


Notes

I'm not crazy about the trees as aliens simile. Why would the trees behind the dog park look any more like aliens than the trees he sees hundreds of other places?

Cody is probably smart enough to know that even if "never" doesn't mean for eternity, it also doesn't mean he can go in right now.

You don't lose much of anything if you start:

I stood in the middle of the dog park, staring at the trees in the distance. Mom’s warning blared in my brain: I mean it, Cody. It’s too dangerous. Gangs and drug addicts hang out in those woods. I don’t care what the other boys do. You’re never to go in there. Understand, Cody? Never.

Never? Come on. "Never," I decided, didn't mean never. It's just a word grownups say when they mean "not today."