Face-Lift 1381

Guess the Plot

The Flight of a Demented Bumblebee

1. Like Donald Trump, Bali is enrolled in military school at the age of thirteen. Bullied by older cadets, who call him a demented bumblebee because he can't take the heat, Bali must decide whether to quit school or stick it out and one day become president and take revenge on the entire planet.

2. He goes up, he goes down. He goes all around. It's Fizzlebutt, trying to find his way home. Fizzlebutt needs to take pollen to the Queen but it's so much harder when you're demented. There must be something he is good at. Robbozip hires him as an apprentice assassin. Killing humans was his calling all along, but can he hold down two jobs at once?

3. Julian has been attending violin lessons all his life. When his teacher disappears, strange things happen, even stranger than no longer hearing that same frigging scale over and over. Its refreshing.

4. A comic coming-of-age-for- a -lonely- misunderstood- teen story, right up to the chapter where she takes an axe to her obnoxious school bully Biffy.

5. The completely and totally absolutely legal way to create psychedelic, aka "mad", honey with tips on bee keeping, growing rhododendrons, and not accidentally poisoning the neighbor's dog, pig, cat, or hamster. Also, an appendix on lucid dreaming.

6. One demonically possessed piano, two harmonically challenged after-school clubs, three classes uninterested in the finer points of music--this will be new high school teacher Nikolai Reem's finest hour . . . or the opening of an inter-dimensional portal to hell.

7. When the magic Swan-Bird tries to change Prince Gvidon from bumblebee back to human form, things go horribly awry. Tragedy ensues. 




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Bali Zutshi has seen more than what any thirteen-year-old boy should. From communal riots in Anantnag to name callers and dodgy astrologers in Jammu. From his fragile single mother to a father he has never met. [Has he seen his father? If not, maybe his father shouldn't be on this list of things Bali has seen.] Like a battered silver ball in a pinball machine, Bali never feels in control and has learnt to choose inertia over action. When his mother promises him a better future at the prestigious military boarding school in Haldwani, Bali reluctantly agrees.

But it doesn’t take long for the school’s hierarchical structure, strict codes of conduct and intense inter-house rivalry to take a toll on Bali. Entangled in the clutches of a senior bully, who gets him into trouble, [Specific example?] and his House Captain, who makes him go through [endure] rigorous boxing training for the coveted Inter House Boxing Championship, Bali buckles. When he gets severely punished for someone else’s mistake, [What was the punishment and what was the mistake? Specificity is good.] it’s the last straw.

Now he has two options. Either he digs in and becomes the man his hopeful mother wants him to become. Or for the first time ever take matters into his own hands, escape the rough and tumble of boarding school and screw up his life. [I'm not sure it follows that escaping this boarding school would screw up Bali's life, but if that is the case, his two options are become a man or screw up his life. It would feel like a tougher choice if it were between pleasing his mother and being happy. If his mother can afford this school, maybe she can afford a more bearable school?] [If nothing else, say "possibly" screw up his life.]

But, the pinball plunger has already kicked the silver ball into action and [whichever], irrespective of the choices Bali makes, he will have to eventually stop running away and play the game called life. [That's a bit vague. You said Bali had two options, dig in and stay, or run away. Now you suggest that he's running away no matter which option he chooses.]

THE FLIGHT OF A DEMENTED BUMBLEBEE (~89,000 words) is a coming-of-age story grounded in the harsh realities of a military boarding school in India. I survived five years in one to be able to write this story.

I am an MBA and a Marketing Professional. This is my debut novel. I took a sabbatical to complete it. I write because a good story can be a cathartic experience and give poetic justice to those who have been denied.

Would you like to see more of the book?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,



Author's note:  Regarding the Title: The term 'demented bumblebee' is given to cadets in the military boarding school that are fickle and cannot take the heat.


Notes

When you reach your "last straw," you've been pushed past your breaking point and are going to take action. You're out of this place, or you're going to poison the bully or blow up the school. Instead Bali's merely deciding whether to take action, so it wasn't the last straw.

The red words aren't necessarily wrong, but aren't needed.

The words you added after your signature (not shown) aren't helpful.

A pretty good query once it's cleaned up. A lot of US agents claim to be looking for books set in other cultures. Even if you're looking to publish in India, this boarding school is probably a little-known setting to most readers.