Hidden Identities
1. Emma White and Veronica Black hate each other, even though they don't know each other's identities, or even their own identities. Maybe it has something to do with their last names.
2. Boy-girl twins, separated at birth, now swingin' YAers, chance-meet at a rave. #Eewww.
3. Jude is in Witness Protection, but his cover keeps getting blown, forcing a change in place, name, and life. At his fourth home this month he realizes that wherever he moves, there is always a young girl with red hair next door.
4. Assistant librarian Harriet has hyperthymesia; she forgets nothing . . . until the day she loses her way walking the five blocks to work. When she finally gets there, homicide detective Dan Bruno is waiting. He’s investigating chief librarian Robison’s murder and needs the library identity records. Harriet disappears into the subbasement and gets lost again. Will her memory return in time to solve Robison’s murder?
5. Everly Smythe's multiple personality disorder gets a little out of hand when s/he discovers sixteen new identities have taken up residence, and they have soap-opera-esque relationships with each other.
Original Version
Dear Agent,
Hidden Identities never stay hidden for long.
There are secrets waiting to be revealed connected with two teenage girls in a small beach town of Sliver Den in sunny southern California. Emma White and Veronica Black never liked each other from the beginning. Emma has been crushing on Nick Storm, for as long she can remember. [So when Emma's archnemesis] Veronica [Black] had befriended Emma, only to betray her from behind and in turn, Emma avoids her at all costs. [If Veronica and Emma never liked each other, why would Emma accept Veronica's attempt to befriend her?] Her archnemesis has stolen him [puts the moves on Nick] from her and claimed [claims him] Nick as her boyfriend. Emma must reveal her feelings for her long-time crush [Nick] before it’s too late. [If V has successfully stolen him, it's already too late.]
What Emma and Veronica don’t know is that they are natural born enemies in their world of living among angels and demons. [Not clear what that means.] They notice the weird occurrences that have been happening to them. Emma can foresee the future with her dreams and her visions, and Veronica hears voices in her head and she does unspeakable things that no human would ever dare to do. [For example?]
The closer they are to finding out their identities, the sooner they realize that they are more connected than they think. Veronica will get her revenge [She stole Emma's crush. Isn't it Emma who would want revenge?] and Emma will have to find a way to stop her. [If you declare that Veronica will get her revenge, you probably shouldn't suggest that there's a way to stop her.] It’s only a matter of a time until they find out the answers to who they truly are... [What will happen when they find out who they truly are? I think we need to know that.]
LOVE, REVENGE, and HOPE: HIDDEN IDENTITIES, complete at 93,000 words, is a young adult paranormal romance that follows the journey of these two teenage girls. I think it will appeal to readers to fans of THE MORTAL INSTRUMENT SERIES by Cassandra Clare and HUSH, HUSH SERIES by Becca Fitzpatrick. This is a novel with series potential.
I graduated from University of Redlands with a B.A in Creative Writing. I am a member of O.C Writers group and I am involved with SCWA. My works will be written under my pen name, Jasmine Bell.
Sincerely,
Notes
I assume LOVE, REVENGE, and HOPE is the series title, and HIDDEN IDENTITIES is this book's title? If the whole thing is the book's title, you need to rethink that.
Somehow I totally lose interest in whether Emma and Nick get together once it's revealed that angels and demons are running around. Maybe it's better not to tell me they're at the beach and then switch the setting to hell.
What are their identities? Are they angels? Demons? Is everyone else an angel or demon? How can they not know their identities? Are they in some alternate universe even though they believe they're in Sliver Den, California?
Start over. Paragraph 1: Who's the main character, what does she want, what's her current situation? The answers could be Emma White, Nick Storm, she's cluelessly living in a town populated by angels and demons and Nick is involved with that bitch Veronica.
Paragraph 2: What's Emma's plan? Just to win Nick away from Veronica, or is she consciously trying to find out her identity? Why does she think Emma White, teenager, isn't her true identity? Because her dreams come true? What goes wrong in her attempt to reach her goal?
P3: What's at stake? Their lives? The town? The world? What decision must Emma make that couls lead to success or failure in reaching her goal?
Naming them White and Black is not a good idea. Especially if Ms. White is an angel and Ms. Black is a demon, but I'd stay away from it no matter what. And Sliver Den isn't the greatest name for a beach town. Though it's better than Slaver Den.
7 comments:
I know this is for kids, but--can we not name them Black and White? Now, if it were Emma being hateful to V it could be fun, but angels and demons is kind of done to death.
Especially problematic parts:
“connected with two teenage girls,” (Sounds odd.) “sunny southern California,” (It's experiencing a drought, what else would it be but sunny?)
The entire sentence: “Veronica had befriended Emma, only to betray her from behind and in turn, Emma avoids her at all costs.” It's two fragments strung together with a comma. Did you mean: “Veronica had befriended Emma, only to betray her from behind. In turn, Emma avoids her at all costs.” I'm not sure how you betray someone from behind. Is that any different than betraying someone to their face?
“Her archnemesis has stolen him from her and claimed Nick as her boyfriend.” This is just plain agreement. You should know this. “Has stolen/claims,” not has stolen, claimed. Anyway, does Nick have no say in this? He's a zombie? No brain? Shouldn't he decide who he wants to be with? How do you steal and claim someone who isn't an infant?
“Emma must reveal her feelings for her long-time crush...” Wait- how can one teen “steal” a boyfriend from another teen who never actually told the guy she liked him? I get that she only did it to mess with Emma, but it seems like Veronica would get bored with this and move on anyway. When is “too late?” Are they getting married this weekend?
“What Emma and Veronica don’t know is that they are natural born enemies in their world of living among angels and demons.” You throw this in now? When does the reader know?
“It’s only a matter of [a] time until they find out the answers to who they truly are...” So what is this story about? Angels and demons competing on a level of magic, or teens fighting over a crush? If it's the second, why lead us to believe it's the first?
Unfortunately the whole thing sounds really generic. Black versus white, light versus dark is an old story. Teens fighting over a crush is old, too. And you never give any specifics about what their world looks like. I don't even know if Nick is a jock or an artist, though it seems like he's just a prize for the girls to fight over. Does he do anything? Maybe don't mention his name if he doesn't.
Thank you Evil Editor for your comments and your feedback! This was extremely helpful.
I think I may come back to it and revise it. Thank you. Thank you.
Evil Editor,
I have some questions in regards to your feedback.
1) What does the red wording mean when providing feedback?
2) If you wanted the series title to be called that, how would you put it in a query?
Thank you so much again!
1. The red words are words I suggest you get rid of. Some of the blue words are words I suggest you add, while other blue words are comments. So the first paragraph might look like:
Emma Whjite has been crushing on Nick Storm, for as long she can remember. So when Emma's archnemesis Veronica Black puts the moves on Nick and claims him as her boyfriend. Emma must reveal her feelings for Nick before it’s too late.
(Chances are these suggestions won't matter if you do as I eventually suggested, scrap the whole query and start over.)
2. I think it's enough to say the book has series potential; no need to give the series a title at this point.
Is Nick magical, too? Is he some kind of well of hope that can be preserved by Emma or corrupted by Vanessa? Is he a quiet, studious nerd, a hunk, a jock, what? If he's the prize they're fighting over, then he needs to really be a prize, not just a boyfriend.
There's no connection between the teen girls fighting over a boy plot in the first paragraph and the angels and demons plot that starts in aoaragraph two. Not only is the typical teenage love triangle uninteresting once we learn that epic conflict between good and evil is on the menu; it’s just gone. I’m guessing that you’re trying to set up that these two characters aren’t aware that they’re anything other than ordinary teens, but that shouldn’t be a whole paragraph if your book is really about angels and demons fighting. If Emma and Veronica have always hated each other, but even they don’t quite understand why, then I’m interested in the real reason. If Veronica pretended to be Emma's friend only to betray her and win over her boyfriend, I’m not thinking “Okay, but what's the REAL reason they hate each other?”
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