When you’re hanging out in a rescue pod, giving up on hope as your water and oxygen dwindle, a person tends to reflect on their life. What you did wrong to come to be in such dire straits, etc. I know what I did wrong.
Let’s rewind. A month ago, I took working passage on a ship headed for Sol. Working because I couldn’t pay, going to Sol because why not? The old vids had a name for people like me: drifter. I have always preferred to think of myself as a child of the stars, bound to no place, a wide-eyed explorer conquering worlds old and new.
Anyway, like I said, I couldn't keep my smart-ass mouth shut.
We're heading for the sun, and I mention to my CO that only Polacks would go to the sun hoping to get there at night.
That's when Lieutenants Kaminski, Lewanski, Sapkowski and Kosti drag me over to the pod, shove me in, and lock the door. Captain Jaromyr Konstantin says something about God, and they launch my pod.
So now I'm hurtling toward the chromosphere and a fiery doom. Who woulda thought a ship called Aina Polka would be based out of Poland?
Opening: Anon......Continuation: Khazarkhum
7 comments:
P1: I try to avoid the use of "thing" for something that isn't really a thing, which can be accomplished with "but what they don't tell you is that what's most likely to get you killed is your own smart-ass mouth."
P2: Change a person tends to reflect on their life. to you tend to reflect on your life. I'd make the last sentence a paragraph by itself.
P3: It's okay, though it makes me wonder: Going to Sol because why not? suggests that there are other options. And given several options, I would think a person who prefers not to think of himself as a drifter would come up with a better justification for his choice than Why not?
Sol is, of course, the Sun. So who are they going to see? A solar observatory? The Sun devils? The Sun King?
The name Sol had either better be the Sun, or should be changed.
Unchosen continuations:
I had shoved a soggy, room temperature, spicy bean and beef burrito into my smart-ass mouth minutes before I knew I shouldn't have: I needed REAL FOOD. Everyone else had been eating those space food pellets--yuk!--and I'd been stuffing my mouth with a fake smile. I'd sneaked my burrito into my underwear before we shot into space.
My fart had killed the entire crew.
The methane was too intense, and I was the only one who survived because it was my own stench. Now I'm drifting all alone, inside my own reek, wide-eyed with the burn of bile, beans, and beef.
—CavalierdeNuit
And besides, Earthers have a tender spot for a pretty face and big schlongs. I will rule that planet in weeks. It's either that or go home and pay off my student loans.
—Kregger
Loved KK's continuation. For me, the best and funniest so far.
It could do with a bit of trimming. In the last sentence of paragraph one, "they miss the thing that is most likely to get you killed" needs revision for greater punch.
Another example: "What you did wrong to come to be in such dire straits" doesn't need 'to come'.
The opening pages must be your best writing.
Take any one of those paragraphs and use it as an opening. Don't stack all three like this.
pick either Space is dark and endless (Which is channeling Carl Sagan and twisted by his smart mouth.
Or pick the rescue pod and his life us passing before his eyes.
Or pick the one about his month before which I like the way it ends with a star child, a wayfarer. That's a theme you can use all through the story. Wind bits of his past and his regrets through the story.
And Khazarkum:
Adam and Mart Ski want their surname back. wink, wink.
"They say that space is dark and endless, that it will kill you if you make a single mistake. They're not wrong. What they don't tell you is what it is that's most likely to get you killed: your own smart-ass mouth.
If they had told me that, I might not be hanging out in a rescue pod giving up hope as my water and oxygen slowly run out. But then again, maybe I still would. I have a really smart mouth.
If I'm going to tell it, I should start at the beginning. A month ago I took a working passage on a ship headed for Sol. Working because I couldn't pay, going to Sol because- well, I really didn't have anywhere else to go. I've always liked to think of myself as a child of the stars, bound to noplace. A wide-eyed explorer conquering worlds.
You'd probably call me a drifter."
I appreciate the comments. I was trying to do a "this is the dire strait I'm in, here's why".
But now I kinda want to roll with kregger's continuation :)
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