Face-Lift 1094

Guess the Plot

Imogen and Leander

1. When the body of controversial octenagarian female impersonator and cabaret singer Leander 'Imogen' Sullivan is found half eaten by his 36 cats, homicide Detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, the cats didn't pull the trigger on that 9mm, and two, he'd better get their Burmese Dazzy some catnip, just in case.

2. Brash Imogen's distaste for men changes that magical night she encounters Leander in the college library. Who can argue with destiny, right? Apparently Imogen's mom, Eunice. She sees Leander for who he really is: her long-lost son.

3. Priscilla, Penelope and Constance are all in love with handsome new Rhode Island Red Leander. But all he wants to crow about is plain little Imogen. Will their love continue unruffled, or will the old hens use the pecking order to break up the love nest?

4. Imogen, a gerbil belonging to Mrs. Brown's 3rd grade class, conceives a passion for Leander, the white mouse who lives in a cage atop the dictionary case. But with Maxwell the python in a fishtank on the radiator between them, how can they ever be together?

5. Seventeen-year-old Imogen marries Leander Thurston, handsome owner of Kerrigan Meadows Plantation. Imogen loves Leander but is horrified by his treatment of his slaves, so she embarks on the dual life of loyal plantation mistress and matron of the Underground Railroad.

6. When Princess Imogen's evil stepmother finds that Imogen has married Leander, instead of her stepbrother Claude, she goes on the warpath. Imogen and Leander both flee the kingdom. Unfortunately they flee in opposite directions and have no more contact with each other.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Between a banished husband, a negligent father, an evil step-mother, a brutish step-brother, and an impending war, [I hate opening with a list.] things [Things? What things?] are getting almost too much for sixteen-year-old Princess Imogen to handle. [You're better off dumping this sentence.]

When fleeing to an enemy nation looks like the best available option, one cannot deny that things have gotten truly disastrous. [This is going to suggest to the reader that fleeing looks like Imogen's best option, when in fact you're talking about another character.] But when King Cameron of Greater Dale [Greater Dale is a terrible name for a kingdom. Unless they named it that to annoy the people of neighboring Great Dale, in which case it's fantastic.] discovers Imogen’s marriage to his ward, Leander Dulac, he banishes him, leaving Leander no choice but to flee north to the enemy Hill Lands. [Fleeing from whom? When the king banishes you, instead of imprisoning or beheading you, you are required to leave the kingdom; being hunted down isn't part of the deal.] Imogen finds herself alone [Define "alone."] in a Court ruled primarily by her cruel step-mother, Queen Atia, who hopes to force Imogen to abandon her husband and marry her step-brother, Claude, and a father so under his wife’s sway that he is trying to force the match and does not comprehend that his country will not survive the upcoming war with the Hill Lands [That's the name of the place? Hill Lands? Is that what the people who live there call it? I recommend going with Great Dale.] that Queen Atia proposes. [Those last two sentences have so many characters and complications, no one's going to stick with the story.]

However, when her husband’s new friends abroad persuade him that she has betrayed him, Imogen suddenly finds herself with only one ally either at home or abroad.  With the help of her friend, Imogen fakes her death and flees south to the Forest of Fae. [How come Leander had no choice but to flee north, but Imogen can flee south? When you're fleeing, you choose the route, and the pursuers have to follow. If I'm Leander, I'm fleeing to the Forest of Fae, not the enemy Hill Lands.] [Also, what's with all the fleeing? I want to read about characters who stand their ground. All the characters we're supposed to like have gotten out of Dodge.] [Also, are you really fleeing if no one's chasing you? The whole point of faking her death, I assume, was so she wouldn't be chased.] Luckily, she falls in with a companion who can keep her alive, even if he cannot stop her from trying to return home to prevent a war.  The same war Leander, convinced he has caused Imogen’s death, has returned to his homeland to die in. [It's Romeo and Juliet, but with fleeing.]

Hopefully, they’ll be able to save their homeland and each other. [Yuck.]

IMOGEN AND LEANDER is a 55,000 word YA Fantasy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

This needs to be simplified. Get rid of everyone who isn't essential. Especially Claude. No 65-word sentences. No lists of more than three items. It's better than these things usually are when I tell people to start over, but start over. Focus on the main plot, which seems to be this:

When Princess Imogen marries Leander, the king's ward, Queen Atia is enraged, as she had other plans for her stepdaughter. She has Leander banished from Greater Dale.

Friendless in the court, Imogen fakes her death and heads south to the Forest of Fae, hoping to find Leander, not realizing that Leander fled north, where the enemy Hill-Landers are preparing for war with Greater Dale.

Word of Imogen's death reaches Leander and he returns to Greater Dale to fight and die defending his homeland. But Imogen is also making her way home, hoping to prevent the war. Can the two of them hook up and flee the kingdom before all hell breaks loose?


Work with that, but don't add any names.