Thursday, January 05, 2012

New Beginning 913

Gather ‘round my children, come closer. I will tell you the tale of the Walker on Rainbows and the Moonbreaker, of the White Mage with long clinging shadows.

The Moonbreaker was a greedy one. It stole the thoughts of the stars and the ideas of the clouds. It claimed the might of the sun and depth of the sky. The only thing it could not take by trick, trade or temptation was the light of the Sybilline Moon. So that became the one thing it desired above all else.

Oh it tried all it could to obtain that light. It cheated and lied, bribed and seduced, threatened and cajoled. But, the light always remained just beyond its grasp. So it searched and it scrounged until at long last it found the keys of the ancients, the hidden door with crystal locks. “Aha!” it thought to itself, “this will give me the path that reaches the light of the Sybilline Moon.”

And as if in reply to that unvoiced thought: "He should use the space shuttle."


"Obvious really. See, that's why Sean Connery was better."


"Sean Connery. Blows Roger Moore in his sleep. Connery was the best Bond."

"You're thinking of

this then?" "This is Moonbreaker. It's completely different."

"Well no wonder I didn't have a fucking clue what's going on. Sod this then, I'm off to play Word of Woolcroft."

Opening: Faceless Minion.....Continuation: Anon.


Evil Editor said...

P2: I would change sentence 2 to: It stole the thoughts of the stars and the clouds.

You might insert "of course" between "So" and "that."

P3: I might drop the 2nd sentence. You've already said it tried trick, trade and temptation. Most of the items on this new list fall under those categories.

No comma after "But."

The last sentence doesn't need "to itself." I'd also drop "the path that reaches."

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

This has a strong, unusual voice, and that can be a make-or-break thing. An unusual voice can lead to runaway bestsellerdom (see Snicket, Lemony) or it can cause people to throw your book across the room (see Snicket, Lemony).

Since the writing won't be a transparent means to experiencing the story, you'll be restricting your audience to those who like the voice. Like I said, that can work.

Even so, you may want to reconsider the first line and possibly the whole first paragraph. The avuncular, headpatting tone is more likely to put readers off than is the rest of the selection.

Faceless Minion said...

Thanks for the continuation, comments, and in advance for any more comments anyone might leave.

This is something from the back of the closet that I never completed. It was going to be a legend that belonged in the story world, and possibly a frame for the actual story.

Dave said...

I thought the third paragraph went into the wrong meter if you read this out loud. Be careful, there is a line between that narrative voice and falling into Dr Suess.

And as I read this I had the thought that the rainbow walker, the moonbreaker and the white mage were three different people. You can't cure that in these few hundred or three words. But somewhere down the road, that has to become clear.

Other than that, I thought it was a good place to start.

Whirlochre said...

Harry may have met Sally but I'm not sure about Tolkien and the phone book.

I may be wrong, but like AlaskaRav I'm guessing this is hit or miss territory, whatever the claims of stakes.

Faceless Minion said...

Thanks Alaska. If I ever revisit this piece I'll consider dropping that first bit. It'll probably depend on if there's a character saying those lines or if I go with using it as framing narration.

Thanks Dave. Part of the trouble I ran into with this one was a certain fondness for throwing in words because of how they sound instead of trying to figure out where the story was going. The three are different people which becomes obvious very shortly (after the next paragraph).

Wilkins MacQueen said...

Faceless, I'm not sure how helpful I am but I liked the head patting let me tell you a story feel.

I felt like I was going to be taken care of as a reader in this yarn. By all means, take the advice of the wise ones. I sure liked the opening and the continuation.

Been a long time since I've had that curl up by the fire and listen feeling. Warm comes to mind.

Faceless Minion said...

Thanks Whirl. I'll keep that in mind.

Thanks Wilkins. That's the feel I was going for (I think, it's been a while since I wrote this).

EE, thanks very much for the edits.

fairyhedgehog said...

I liked the first paragraph too, for what that's worth.

Love the continuation.