Friday, May 08, 2009
Guess the Plot
1. When Roger sneaks off for a tryst with his best friend's wife, they step out on the hotel balcony to admire the view and are shocked to see their spouses frolicking in the pool. Roger freaks out. No wonder Nancy didn't mind him "working late" and going to monthly "conventions!" Now he's desperate to save his marriage! What will it take?
2. After Monty gets murdered, he's reborn as an angel. God sends him to save the earth from some very bad angels, a task Monty might be able to handle thanks to his special powers, but then that bastard Satan has to get involved. Is Monty on a collision course with Armageddon?
3. Aunt Trina got just that far, then turned back. Now she's interfering in Mandy's driving lessons, Todd's job promotion, and everybody's cell talk. Jackie's only hope is to lure her into the flying car of Mad Felix, terrible red-eyed ghost of Aunt Sally's cat, so he can levitate her out past the moon, and leave her there. Can it be done?
4. Two political-correctness-challenged angels find themselves locked out of heaven and must track down the key before Satan's minions can do a little 'breaking and entering.' But when both Angels fall for the same mortal--a single mom named Nellie--how will they save heaven and keep their friendship intact? Especially since Nellie is...*CHOKE, GASP*, an atheist?
5. Saint Peter installs a digital system and takes his first break in 1990 years. All goes well until sirens blare and Heaven's Gate slams shut on winsome Nell O'Brien. It's a false alarm, but Paddy McGann can't make it stop. Soon thousands of irate souls are waiting to get in. When Joe Thomkins leads them in chanting for refunds, Paddy knows -- it's time to call God.
6. As Bud Emery worked his way through the first 23,844 heavens his enthusiasm waned. Now he's just dallying around, plunking tuneless noise on the harp, waiting for the chance to escape. Which is exactly what Wanda Higgins is doing on the other side of the cloud! What will happen when these two misfits take flight and collide???
7. Based on the mail they get, postman Jeff Dunbar doesn't believe the "Heaven's Gate" people are really a bunch of prayerful zealots preparing to leave Earth on the next comet. They're more likely making bombs. But how can he prove it to Deputy Jackson?
8. Homicide dectective Zack Martinez knows that "Heaven's Gate" is the code name of the box super spy Tina Shoemaker was supposed to pick up at the secret drop off. Too bad she lost her head instead. Now Zack must find the axeman before Gorilla Jones does, or there'll be another head rolling around.
9. After being told she was special all her life, Tiffany Barns did not expect to go to Hell. But she did. After burning for a week, she was so obnoxious about the unfairness of it all, even Satan wanted to kick her out. So he bet God she'd be just as bad the second time around.
10. Rafael was just an ordinary goldsmith, but when he died he found out he had gotten the job of rebuilding Heaven's Gate. If he succeeds his work will be immortalized, but if he fails he'll surely be damned for all time. Can he possibly build a gate that even God Himself can't find fault with?
Heavens Gate: Revelations, a 37,267 word novel, is a diverse religious fiction novel revolving around Montgomery “Monty” Graves and his troubled soul. [That sounds too much like Montgomery “Monty” Burns, who also has a troubled soul.] His conflict with God is only exceeded by the pain and anger he carries around daily. At one time he though he had a life full of promise, one secure in God’s love. His life goes crashing downward when his grandmother is murdered by senseless neighborhood violence. Monty then turns his back on the church and loses all belief and faith in God. [At which point he is murdered in senseless neighborhood violence. Coincidence?]
Monty shuffles between foster care homes and is expelled from numerous of schools. Always trying to find his purpose, he never finds the peace he once had when his grandmother was alive. His two friends, Jenaye and B.J., provide one source of comfort but it’s not enough. He tries to begin a relationship with Jenaye but his bitter feelings for God manifest to hatred, making Jenaye afraid to get close to him. [Actually, if you've ever been on a date with someone who wouldn't shut up about God's wonderfulness, you might find it refreshing to be out with someone who constantly spews invective about God.]
Monty gets a top paying job and his arrogance and cut-throat attitude gets him promoted to Vice President [I was under the impression Monty was a teenager. How much time has passed since he was shuffling between foster homes?] of the company.
[Job interviewer: I see your education consists of being expelled from six schools. I'm afraid I can only offer you a high-paying position.
Monty: That's okay, I'm willing to--
Job interviewer: Wait, I see you list as one of your hobbies constantly spewing invective at God. How would you like to be vice president of the company?]
This brings much jealously, including his best friend B.J.. Monty's arrogance has him sitting on top of the world but is about to brought to his knees like never before. Monty is murdered and the reborn as an angel with special powers. Not long after, Monty is summoned by God himself, who tells Monty that seven more angels will be sent to earth, each bearing one of the seven deadly sins of man. God tells Monty that if the earth is to survive then he must defeat these angels. [It's one against seven. Maybe you better tell us what Monty's special powers are.] [Also, as a resident of Earth, I'm not crazy about our survival depending on one guy, who's been constantly spewing invective at God, doing what God wants done.] But when Satan gets involved things take a turn for the worse. [Amazing how often that happens. Coincidence?] Monty embarks on a personal journey fraught with emotional peril. He can either accept his fate or cling to the past on his inevitable crash course towards Armageddon. [Collision course with Armageddon. A crash course is what you take when you have to learn something really fast (or where you work when you're an automobile test-driver).] Earth’s fate belongs to Heavens Gate! [Your big finish would be more effective if I knew what it meant.]
Hello, my name is Jeffrey Brown. I am 29 years old and I currently work as a truck driver. Heavens Gate is my first novel and it is currently self-published. [What does that mean? Self-publishing should come after you give up on finding a publisher, not before you start looking. Now that you've already sold your book to all your friends and family, I can't count on any sales if I publish it.] I believe the my novel can survive in many different mediums and markets because of its diversity. Heavens Gate is creative, visual, and imaginative. Enclosed is a SASE for your response and thank you for taking the time to review my letter.
It's never a good sign when the title is spelled wrong. No way would Uncle Tom's Cabin, Gravity's Rainbow or Portnoy's Complaint have been published if the authors left out the apostrophes. True, Finnegans Wake got published, but the proofreader missed it and the publisher assumed Joyce was using experimental punctuation. Aren't you glad you have EE to provide literary trivia?
The query is loaded with errors. The most glaring may be the missing apostrophe, but there are numerous missing words, misused words and misspelled words.
Why does the title include :Revelations in the first sentence, when it's just Heavens Gate (twice) in the last paragraph? Is Revelations the first book of the Heavens Gate trilogy?
Is God sending the seven angels to Earth? Why, just to see if Monty defeats them? And we all die if he fails? This sounds less like God than like those ethereal cerebral entities on Star Trek who arranged stuff like this just so they could gamble on it.