Face-Lift 482

Guess the Plot

The Lost Girls

1. When Tammy and June walked into the mall they expected to spend an hour showing off their ipods and braces before meeting Aunt Agatha for lunch. But soon they realized Chucky Cheese was nowhere to be found and a sinister 8th grade boy with pimples was watching their every move.

2. Fourteen-year-old Barbara feels and almost looks like an old woman. She's lived outdoors for months at a time, borne a child, and fasted excessively in search of religious affirmation. Her friend Angela is the same. Eventually they realize that the community in which they've grown up is an extremist cult. Can they recover their girlhood and keep their faith?

3. Lap band surgery and dieting have trimmed Bertha down, but her life hasn't improved like she expected. Even a new wardrobe can't take her mind off her old body. Can she come to grips with the changes of massive weight loss, or will she forever look down at her chest and mourn . . . The Lost Girls?

4. A woman who lives next door to five-year-old Maribeth and eight-year-old Lana loves the girls because they remind her of her own child who was kidnaped in a grocery store. She is so grief-stricken when they move away, she leaves her husband, and sets out to find the girls . . . and keep them. Also, a corrupt clergyman named Bob.

5. When three underfunded soon-to-be-Hollywood-starlets get kicked off the bus in Iowa, they think they might as well be stuck on the moon. Luckily they heroically save blind old Mrs. Abernathy from getting hit by a truck, and she gives them her pink Cadillac, plus gas money. But can they find LA?

6. When on a field trip to a museum, a group of girls make a break for the mega mall across the street while their teacher, Ms. Beaker, is flirting with a hunky security guard. Hilarity follows as Ms. Beaker, with the help of the guard, try to locate the lost girls in a mall full of sale-crazed shoppers while keeping the rest of the kids in tow.


Original Version

Dear Editor,

Three months after their mother leaves, their father, compelled by the voice of God, moves Maribeth (5) and Lana (8) Ostrov to Vermillion, South Dakota. [When God tells me to move to South Dakota, I start looking for a new religion.] When they get to Vermillion, the girls are taken care of by Mrs. Blumke an alcoholic, mother of five, whose refusal to accept reality puts Maribeth in danger. [Elaborate, please. In what way does Mrs. Blumke refuse to accept reality, and in what way is Maribeth in danger?]

Deepti Bannerjee lives next door to Maribeth and Lana. She loves the girls because they remind her of her own child who was kidnapped in a grocery store years ago. When the girls move, Deepti is grief-stricken. [They move? They just got there. Did their father move to Vermillion with them, or did he just drop them off at Mrs. Blumke's?] Feeling as though she lost her child all over again, she leaves her husband to find and keep them.

Pastor Bob opens the door to find Ted Ostrov standing on his steps with his two daughters. He concocts a plan to exploit Ted's blind faith and defraud his church of money, [and then he invites them into the house.] which is going perfectly until the flood comes.

The Lost Girls is a 40,000 word literary novel that tells the story of Maribeth and Lana Ostrov and their struggle to be found. [To be literally found by their father after Deepti takes them or by their mother after she realizes she should never have left them with her whacko husband? Or to be figuratively found in the nebulous fog of their batty father's delirium?]

Raised Baptist in a homeschooling family, I am the second oldest of eight children. I am currently pursuing my MFA at_______ in fiction. [Interesting. And what are you currently doing in reality?] The Lost Girls is my first novel.


Notes

Just when I was thinking this was the story of Deepti's search for and possible kidnaping of the girls, up pops Pastor Bob, and a new plot, which immediately fades into the floodwaters. If everything in this query is vital to the main story, you need better connections. If some of it is irrelevant to the main story, get it out of the query.

We don't need to know your religion or the size of your family.

What kind of woman leaves her children in the care of their father when he's clearly not all there?

I don't think of kids, especially a five-year-old, struggling to be found. I'm not sure Maribeth would be aware she was lost. Looking for a normal home and family sounds more like it than struggling to be found.

It's going to be extremely difficult to find a publisher for a novel this short nowadays. Any chance you could squeeze in another eight or ten chapters?

Writing Exercise

Evil Editor has decided to run a four-day live-in writing workshop in his home. You and the other three participants who were willing to fork over a thousand dollars for four days of intensive work (meals included) are picked up at the airport by a stretch limo and brought to EE's place. Write a scene that takes place anytime during your stay (or during the limo ride back to the airport). 300 words max, deadline Saturday at 10 PM, include a name if you want credit.

Face-Lift 481

Guess the Plot

My Bazillions and Yours

1. Hector Crawford, once the richest man in the world, died lonely and estranged in a one-room shack on an isolated island. Now his family is after the money. Can Sean McMillan, Crawford's lawyer and the trustee of his estate, convince them there is nothing left . . . while he searches the island for the treasure he knows Crawford hid?

2. This novel/memoir/how-to book features the story of "Lucky" Ned Crump, a Las Vegas gambling guru who becomes a cult figure after winning and losing fortunes. Complete with illustrations, charts, superstitions, fallacies, and the constant exhortation to “Go With Guts."

3. What will happen to the sanity of real estate speculator Harvey Jones when billions of giant worm-things from space rain down on Malibu and make trails of toxic acid slime on everything he owns? Plus, an amazing cheerleader and her pony.

4. When Elmer Fudd decides to become a major player in the South American slave trade, he discovers his biggest competitor is none other than Bugs Bunny. Not content to let that wabbit spoil another one of his pwomising enterpwises, Elmer dukes it out with Bugs in a series of madcap antics, until they finally settle their diffewences and agwee to go into business together. Now they just have to find a way to wound up those wascally Bazillions.

5. Candice Matisse is rightly proud of her bazillions. What started as a modest endowment when she was a teenager has grown to towering proportions. Now, charmingly obnoxious entrepreneur Max Difford has his eyes on Candice's bazillions. But can he get his hands on them?

6. Gilbert Peachtree, inventor of a time machine, goes back in time, invests in a sure thing, and returns to the present to find himself a bazillionaire. Unfortunately, his meddling caused uncontrollable inflation, so everyone is now a bazillionaire.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

You can win in Las Vegas, enjoy a more fulfilling life, and score a free photo keychain! [I'm considering offering a free photo key chain to anyone who purchases Novel Deviations. You need a clever gimmick to make it as a small business these days.]

My Bazillions—And Yours is a novel of 110,000 words presented as a combination memoir/how-to. Subtitled What It Means To Be “Lucky,” it is the idiosyncratic story of “Lucky” Ned Crump, the self-styled gambling guru whose IncrediSystems have garnered a cult following since their first appearance in 1998. A guileless man subsumed by the Las Vegas dream, Ned wins and loses fortunes, guest-stars on The World Series of Poker, pursues his true love, spends time in jail, vanishes in the Alaskan wilderness, and finally finds something akin to transcendence. [A brief list of other things that happen besides the main story is okay, but what is the main story? The Alaska vanishing is intriguing, but the other items on the list need elaboration to interest me. What was he in jail for? Who is his true love? What does he find, and what does it transcend? If this is a novel, you want us to care about Ned. Here's a bunch of things that happen to a character I made up isn't nearly as compelling as Here's how a man captures and loses the American dream, all in pursuit of true love.]

Because Ned wants nothing more than to share his logic-defying success with you, his tale is punctuated with gambling advice, complete with illustrations, charts, superstitions, fallacies, and the constant exhortation to “Go With Guts.” [As gambling advice is readily available in a format more easily studied than a novel, I assume (or suggest) that Ned's advice is amusing, and not mathematically sound.

As I lay in bed next to Jolene, caressing her white skin, it occurred to me: I never should have gone all in hoping for an inside straight on the river. Even if no one else had one as a hole card, my chances of drawing an 8 were only 4 in 32. For once, Going with Guts let me down. See appendix 32 for my chart on when to stick around after the flop when looking for a straight or a flush. Anyway, back to . . . Where'd Jolene go?]

My own fascination with Las Vegas, its games, and its characters comes from countless visits and experiences that have grown into creative work and part ownership of CheapoVegas.com, a travel website, and BigEmpire.com, its sister humor site. Together, these sites welcome a million unique visitors each year. Bazillions is my second novel based on this body of writing and collaboration. The humor in this book stems from my award-winning comedy writing and performance. Its literary quality reflects my M.F.A. in poetry plus twenty years of writing both professionally and avocationally. [I think the whole book should be written in verse;

I think that I shall never see
A draw as lovely as a 3.
It's not so hard to understand:
I've got three more 3s in my hand.]

Since you represent innovative fiction, pop-culture topics, and new novelists, you stand out as an agent who can make this book project a success. Please allow me to introduce you to “Lucky” Ned. Sample chapters (print and audio), [Audio? Who reads it, Doyle Brunson? What you really need is a video version. I, for one, would much rather watch a manuscript acted out on TV than read it. Especially if you can get some A-list actors to play Ned and Jolene.] a synopsis, and my bio are enclosed. The full manuscript is available now at your request.

Thank you for your time—and good luck always.

Sincerely,


Notes

This sounds like a combination fictional memoir/how-to book, but calling it a novel is a stretch. If you're selling it as a novel, focus on the plot.

If your target audience is gamblers, they may not want to wade through a 110,000-word novel to get tips from a fictional character. And if your target audience is fiction lovers, only those with a keen interest in gambling will not be annoyed by frequent pauses to provide charts and statistics. Either target may be big enough, but I suggest choosing one and tailoring the book to their preferences. You can't be all things to all people.

New Beginning 441

I fell down the stairs again. No idea how long I lay at the bottom, but when I finally came to, the steps looked just the same as they did on the way down. That's the trouble with falling: you can't see which way is up. Or is it the other way round?

For too many precious seconds, I'm some doddery old tart flung pell-mell from beyond-her-years mobility to beyond-her-wits paralysis, thanks to a pair of flowery slippers, or a scientist whapped too hard on the head by his own metaphysical ultra-ballistic kumquat.

Or maybe I'm just me.

When you come to from somewhere you don't recognize, 'being me' will do. So you take it, along with whatever else you find.

I figure I'm on top of the booze for the moment. I fall down seven times, see double, and get up fourteen, or fifteen at a push. That's what being a hero is all about. Say I.

So where's my fucking costume? And why all the blood?



"Hey, could someone get another towel and some water for Mrs. Kapersky? And hose off the stairmaster."

"Again? You know, Ted, it occurs to me that a combination gym/bar wasn't such a hot idea after all."


Openining: Whirlochre.....Continuation: Anonymous

Evil Psychiatrist

Why is it I can start a book, compelling even, but then can't follow it through? I have like 8 here STARTED, but only one finished. What's up with that? Is that normal or another chaotic trait I seem to have marketed?

Have you figured out how these books are going to end when you start writing them? Not everyone does it that way, but you must admit that if you need to clear a path between point A and point B, it helps to know in which direction point B lies. If you start by moving away from point B, it could be frustrating when you realize you're lost.

Now that you've set the books aside, maybe you should go back and read one as if it's someone else's and decide where you would want it to go next. (If you realize the book isn't your best work, and it can't be salvaged, and it's going to be a trunk novel anyway, it doesn't need an ending, so move on to the next one.

Then again, there's that song that goes:

I'm just waiting for my world to fall apart.
That's why I'll never finish anything I start.

But that can't be it, because you finished one. What was the difference? Was it better, and thus more worthy of being finished? Did you know where it was going from the beginning? Was there less turmoil in your life when you wrote it?

Consider how happy and proud you'd feel if you did finish one of these novels. A small ray of sunshine would break through the cloud hovering over you. Choose the one with the most promise, and write the last two chapters. Then come up with a logical progression of events to connect the beginning to the end. And remember, Evil Editor and his minions believe in you.

That'll be $125.00

Face-Lift 480

Guess the Plot

Dog Park

1. A scientist recreates an entire species from DNA gathered from the blood inside a frozen tick, and builds a theme park around the animals. When the animals turn on him, it's up to two children, a mathematician, and Miss Nevada to set things right. Also, a saber toothed weredingo.

2. When Sheila Abernathy built a "wilderness" dog park outside Cincinnati, she had no idea it would soon be swarming with Ohio's prostitutes, blackmailers, juvenile delinquents, and real estate speculators. Or did she? Ace homicide detective Zack Martinez has 3 gruesome murders to solve and 483 suspects . . . including Sheila.

3. There are already enough bars filled with high-maintenance bitches and horny wolves, so frat brothers Eric and Rob start a new chain of pick-up joints for fat, ugly people and call it "Dog Park." Over time they come to learn that fat, ugly people don't just exist to be exploited, and both men find love in the lunch-lady arms of double-bagger twins Velma and Thelma.

4. Dog Park; the overgrown tract of land where kids play in the rusted car wrecks, where you don't have to poop-scoop after your pet, and where ducks and humans can breed in privacy in the overgrown bushes. Now the council wants to clean it up. Can a bunch of mums and dogs, kids, junkies, fags and whores take down the fascist bastards?

5. In a moment of desperation secret agent Nick Armstrong tucks a flash drive in the jacket of a poodle in the elevator. Tiffy Jones strolls away with no idea the fate of Chicago is on her dog, Fluffkins. But Gus "Chicken-Face" Lombardi knows and he'll stop at nothing to get it. Can Nick do a Houdini from the thug-mobile and get to the dog park in time to save Tiffy and Fluffkins?

6. When terrorists release a plague inside the US, a Homeland Security intern and a hunky medical student may be the country's only hope of figuring out how the disease is being transmitted. When they stumble on the answer in a dog park, they are torn. Should they tell the president, knowing he will declare that to save human lives . . . all dogs must die?


Original Version

Dear Holder of My Future, Please Treat It Well:

Ivy Leaguer Samantha Carre is enjoying her summer internship with the Department of Homeland Security. That is, until something that looks like the plague on steroids starts killing people in New York, Virginia, and DC. [Let's see, who would want to wipe out literary agents, lovers, and lobbyists?] The superbug is resilient and fast-spreading. The evidence points to a bioweapon being mechanically released -- but by whom, by what vector, and where will it strike next?

Teamed with brilliant and handsome biomedical student Max Stein, Samantha sets to work interviewing victims and their families, [Interviewing victims of a plague?

Samantha: I understand you're a plague victim.

Victim:

Samantha: Hellooooo?! I may be a summer intern, but this is serious government work. Have you eaten any raw seafood lately?]

looking for any common thread among them. But with a frightened country bringing travel to a standstill, the healthcare system on the verge of collapse, and a viable vaccine still months away, time is growing desperately short.

When Samantha and Max stumble on the answer in a neighborhood dog park, they become terrorist targets. Chased, shot at, and possibly exposed to the plague, they must rely on brains, brawn, and each other to stay alive long enough to alert authorities to their discovery.

But eluding terrorists is only their first challenge. Harder still will be convincing the Director of Homeland Security and the President that [Say no more. I think we're all agreed that there's no convincing the president of anything.] containing the outbreak doesn't mean wholesale slaughter of the vector used to carry the plague: not strays and discards, but a nation of dogs people care about and love. [Why a whole nation of dogs? If the terrorists are infecting dogs in dog parks, then it seems only dogs whose owners have taken them to dog parks would be potential plague carriers.]

DOG PARK, a thriller with romantic elements, is complete at 80,000 words. I look forward to sending you the manuscript.

Sincerely,


Notes

I don't see how the superbug is "fast-spreading." I get the impression dogs are infected at the dog park and their owners later die. How does it spread beyond that? Do the dogs then get adopted into new homes whose owners die? Seems like if that were the case it wouldn't have taken an accidental stumbling-upon to determine the vector. Dog's family all die, dog's new family all die. Coincidence?

Why are these two people desperately searching for answers in a dog park in the first place? I could see Samantha maybe interviewing a family member in the dog park, but why would she and Max both be in the dog park, if, up to now, they don't suspect dogs?

Okay, okay, you've confessed that this novel doesn't really exist, so you don't have to answer the questions, and of course there aren't any correct answers anyway, unless this has actually all been thought through. Has it?

Q & A 128 What's branding? Is it painful?

Can you talk on the topic of branding?

When you buy a bottle of Pepsi, you know exactly what you're getting: a bottle of water with sugar and flavoring added that somehow costs less than a bottle of water with nothing added.

Let's start over.

When you buy a bottle of Pepsi, you know exactly what you're getting: your ticket to youth, vitality, fun, friends, and beach volleyball. You know this because you've seen people drinking Pepsi in advertisements, and they all looked happy. Also because you've drunk hundreds of Pepsis and even though you aren't happy like the people in the advertisements, that's only because they've drunk thousands of Pepsis.

Now let's examine branding of authors. What did you think when you saw that Evil Editor had put out Novel Deviation, volume 3? Did you think, Maybe I'll pick that up in Borders and read the back cover copy and see if there are any good reviews online? No. You thought, Screw that, I can read most of that for free on the idiot's blog.

Let's start over.

No. You thought, Hmm, volumes 1 and 2 were utterly hilarious. I can always count on EE to come through with a quality product. I'm ordering this, and extra copies for all my friends, as it's only eleven months till Christmas.

Similarly, when you visit EE's blog and see the photograph with the laser eyes, a feeling of comfort engulfs you. You're where you want to be. When you visit and find that weird creature dressed in lilac, scowling at what looks suspiciously like your manuscript, you think, What is that, some kind of lizard? I must be in the wrong place.

Have I made my point?

Now, you don't need to be an international star like John Grisham or Nora Roberts or Evil Editor to be "branded." You just need to build a fan base of readers who know what to expect when they buy your books. Obviously you won't be a brand after one book, but you might want to think about what your brand will be like if it ever exists, and try to fit your books into your brand. If your first three books are a mystery, a historical romance and an epic fantasy, or if your first romance is a rollicking laughfest and your second is a gut-wrenching tearjerker, your fans won't know what to expect. Instead of pre-ordering your books, they'll wait for the reviews, and there goes your career, straight into the toilet.

That's why Nora Roberts writes her mysteries under the name J. D. Robb, and why Evil Editor writes his horror stories under the name Stephen King. Oops. Forget I said that. Wait, it was a joke. Obviously He I would have deleted it if it were true.

Q & A 127 What the blog?

I wanted to ask your opinion about the uses a writer should have for his/her blog. Is a blog something useful for writers to have?

I'll tell you what my blog is good for: killing off eight or ten hours a day that I could be spending doing something useful. And that doesn't even include all the time I spend reading my minions' blogs to make sure they haven't said anything bad about me, and to make sure they've included Novel Deviations among their favorite books in their profiles.

Of course, I must admit that it's only due to the fame I've achieved through this blog that I was asked to be on next season's Dancing with the Stars. (I had to decline, as I took ballroom dance lessons for several years, only giving it up when my attempt to get more Cuban motion into my hips resulted in a tragic rumba injury.)

Good reasons to blog:

1. It's writing. The more you do it the better you get at it, just like bowling.

2. It's fun to go back and read it. To you, it's the most interesting reading there is. In fact, you find it astonishing that no one else seems to find your blog half as fascinating as you do.

3. If you ever become famous, people will visit your website once or twice, but since your blog has new material all the time, they'll visit that regularly, even if it's a boring blog, because people love to bask in your fame. This will give you the opportunity to suggest to them that they buy your latest book.

4. For instance: Get 'em before they're gone: Novel Deviations 3.

5. If you weren't blogging you'd be sitting in your underwear in front of the TV with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other, watching reruns of Desperate Housewives on the Lifetime Network and wondering what Britney will do next.

New Beginning 440

On the planet of Zulaire, legend had it that to find the tracks of the fabled urabu in front of one would guarantee a year of good fortune. Urabu were majestic, long legged gazelle-like creatures, with three impossibly sweeping ebony horns, to whom were attributed all sorts of magical powers. Glimpsing the creature itself for even a second would be a stroke of luck or divine favor, or both, conferring at least a decade of blessings from the spirits. Urabu were rare, some even insisted extinct, or perhaps creatures of myth altogether.

To touch one was known to be impossible . . . for how does one touch what does not exist?

Andrianda Markriss, outworlder by birth, longtime resident of Zulaire, stood holding her breath in a forest clearing. Her entire concentration was on not disturbing the five creatures now ranged in front of her.

They were inworlders, natives of Zulaire, judging by the way they sucked in the poisonous miasma. Short and stumpy of leg, with clothes that were so last season as to be laughable, they were creatures of legendary boorishness. To see one was said to guarantee seven years of bad hair days. To touch one was inadvisable, for it would result in a severe rash that presented with blistering and subcutaneous lesions, requiring the application of expensive salves.

Andrianda remained motionless as a statue, still not doing anything that might spark a flame of interest in someone reading her story.


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: Mignon

Face-Lift 479

Guess the Plot

Stage Kiss

1. When "pre-engineering" geeks Watt and Wayne return to their dorm after watching EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX, they know the only way they'll ever get laid is to emulate Woody Allen and produce a play starring themselves. Any lawn will do for a stage, but do they need a script? Plus, three bimbos and a bomb squad.

2. Malcolm, gay & firmly in the closet, must convince his dying grandfather that he's found a bride. Michelle, a freelance writer, goes to interview Malcolm only to have him declare her perfect as a bride. How far will the charade go before Malcolm is unmasked or Michelle's estranged husband finds her?

3. Never-been-kissed Janna lands the lead in the college play, only to find that there's a kiss involved. She needs someone to practice on before rehearsal, so she doesn't embarrass herself. Fortunately stage manager Lizzie is only too happy to help Janna solve her problem.

4. On the stage line from Denver to Salt Lake, Butch is the driver, Tex rides shotgun, and Kitty is a beautiful passenger. When they get stuck in a snowstorm, Kitty makes a pass at Butch. Tex, jealous, makes his own play for Butch. What neither knows is that Butch is really a woman.

5. Kathy wasn't keen to join the Bendigo Amateur Dramatists. But then she met the dreamy Cliff Ravine and knew she just had to get a part in the BAD production of "Hello Dolly" - but who would play the sheep?

6. When Trudy Hench cast Mae Wong as Juliet, and aspiring rock star Joe Bowie as charming Romeo she had no idea how passionately they hated each other. This production will be a hideous flop unless she can get some chemistry going. What'll it take?


Original Version

Dear EE,

Janna Larson won the lead in her college’s freshmen-only production of The Music Man on the basis of her good-girl (let’s face it, bookworm-y) demeanor. But when the director tells her that he’s added a kiss to the choreography, she only has a week to experience her first kiss before the final dress rehearsals. [At least he didn't tell her he added a sex scene.]

Luckily, Janna’s love of reading has finally come in handy. She’s always heard that there are only seven unique stories, so all she has to do is set up and run through each scenario in the seven days left before the show.

The Unappreciated Best Friend, Until Suddenly Love Blooms
The Bitter Enemy whose Clever Sniping is Merely a Screen for Attraction
The Opposite in all Things whose Path Unexpectedly Crosses Hers
The Boy whose Public Bravado is Disguising his Inner Pain (which will Only be Resolved by Love)
The Long-held Crush
The Cynic who Yields in the Face of Love’s Potency
The Huckster with a Heart of Gold

[You forgot these other seven unique stories:

The Unappreciated Best Friend, Until Suddenly, fed up, he kills her
The Bitter Enemy whose Clever Sniping evolves into a coast-to-coast murder spree
The Opposite in all Things whose Path Unexpectedly Crosses Hers and continues on in a perpendicular direction
The Boy whose Public Bravado is Disguising an Inner Pain which will be Resolved only by a sensational murder/suicide)
The Long-held seething hatred that culminates in a fight to the death
The Cynic who laughs in the Face of Love’s Potency
The Huckster with no conscience]

Her partner in her quest is stage manager and science major [No one majors in science. Be more specific.] Lizzie Brennan, whose dislike of ‘romantic nonsense’ is outweighed by her love of grand (and strange) endeavors and her friendship with Janna. Together, the two use every approach from speed-dating, to ballroom dance, to frat parties, to a cappella for the cause of True Love. [Did they ever think of just kissing each other? Not only would it save them a lot of time and trouble, it would jazz up the book. It would jazz up The Music Man, for that matter.]

My humorous YA novel STAGE KISS is complete at 75,000 words. Enclosed please find a synopsis and the first five pages. Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

Problem: Freshman college girl wants to get kissed.
Solution: Walk up to any male college upperclassman--or professor--and suggest make-out session.

Maybe your list of the only seven plots should be made genre-specific. I don't see how such stories as the submarine crew trapped at the bottom of the ocean while being bombarded by depth charges, or the underdog basketball team winning the state championship, or the astronauts encountering a Klingon warbird, or the prison riot, or surviving a haunted house . . . fall into any of these categories.

Actually, I don't think it's clear what the list is all about. Is she planning to get kissed by enacting each scenario? Does she have a friend who doesn't appreciate her? Does she have a long-held crush? Does she know a huckster with a heart of gold? Does she have a bitter enemy she wants to be kissed by? Do the seven unique plots always end with the girl getting kissed within a few days?

I don't like the list being part of the query. I'd go with something more general, like Janna wants to experience kissing a boy before rehearsals start, so she tries to get into situations similar to those in romantic books she's read, hoping one of them will end up in a kiss. Hilarity ensues. Even if she somehow follows the specific list in the book, you don't need it in the query.

How do you go to a frat party with the goal of getting kissed and leave disappointed?

New Beginning 439

August 1822

“Go away!” Kincaid shouted at Joe. There wasn’t a need to turn in the saddle and look back. He was there. The sounds of creaking leather and the clip of hooves said so. He had been there for half a day since he come trottin’ up with the pack mule in tow. Like he was ready to go anywhere and stay out as long as need be, the mule was loaded so.

“I said ‘Go away’,” the young man shouted again.

“Thought you said I free,” Joe replied. “Thought you said I ain’t a slave no more. That Lerocque don’t own me, and you don’t own me.”

“I did!” Kincaid snapped.

“Then I free to ride where I want. Free to ride south like I doin’. Maybe go to Santa Fe and spend some time.”

“I don’t need no mammy!” Kincaid raised his voice more. Can’t that darky see I don’t want to be around no one? That bein’ alone and feelin’ the hurt was what a man needed after what Maria done.

"Don't need no mammy," Joe mumbled. "You a miserable man, Mr. Kincaid, you know dat?"

Kincaid heard Joe's horse shuffle to a stop, and then the sounds of a man dismounting.

"Okay, how 'bout dis," Joe shouted. With a sigh, Kincaid pulled the horse around and glowered at his second shadow, dancing with his hands on his hips and a wide grin. "Ooohh, de Camptown ladies sing dis song, Doo Dah--"



"Johnson!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Johnson, tell me again. Exactly how did you research this piece?"


Opening: Wes Redfield.....Continuation: Anonymous

Writing Exercise Results

The task was to write a fake query letter for a fake book based on a fake plot chosen at random from among the almost 2400 fake plots on this blog. Authors had the option of submitting a complete query letter or just the synopsis portion. Several people took minor liberties with the plots (the second one uses two fake plots) and at least two changed the titles. Most of these books should be written.

Fake Query 17 (The Last One)

Twinkie Thompson thought his fortunes had changed the night old Mrs. Billiard traded a Holstein for his magic beans. He was so happy he ran to the Smith's and got engaged to Maryanne. But in the morning he discovered that beast in the barn was no banal bovine, but . . . a zombie cow. (One Wrong Move)


Dear EE,

I am seeking representation for Stalk: Tales of a Gremlin Milk Cow, my 86,000 word adaptation of the classic fairy tale, Jack and the Beanstalk, with a little bit of Gremlins and 24 thrown in for good measure.

When Twinkie (Jack) Thompson manages to trick old Mrs. Billiard into trading her prize-winning Holstein (Voodoo Baby) for a handful of dried beans he thinks he may soon be able to stop sleeping in the barn and build himself a real house. Jack barely listens to Mrs. Billiard when she says, “Never milk her after midnight, don’t ever let her get wet and always be sure to add the juice of three blood oranges to her mash each day.”

On the way home, a sudden summer rainstorm drenchs both Jack and the cow. Back home, Jack realizes that Baby is sorely in need of milking. Jack tugs and squeezes on the swollen teats. And even though he’s heard the tales, he’s surprised to count a dozen pails full of creamy golden milk. Unaware of the time, Jack climbs into the loft for some well-deserved sleep.

Before dawn, an eerie red glow permeates the barn and awakens Jack. His barn is filled with hundreds of strangely lathargic cows with glowing red eyes. He grabs a pitchfork and visciously stabs the nearest animal. Blood gushes and pools in the matted straw. Before he can attack again, an enormous bull with blood-red eyes emerges from the carcass of the dead cow. Desperate, Jack reaches deep into the pocket of his overalls and finds one last dried up seed. In his haste, he drops it into the coagulating pool of blood where it takes root, shooting skyward. Jack grabs ahold of a rubbery frond and heaves a momentary sigh of relief. But Jack’s troubles are just beginning. The next 24 hours of Jack’s life playout like a demented version of Disneyland meets the Island of Dr. Moreau. Jack battles demon crows and vampire geese, all the while pursued by a viscious pack of meerkats. Finally, Jack realizes that reality is just a state of mind. With a little luck and the seeds from his wet dream, he is able to return home and kill that old bitch Mrs. Billiard.

If you have any interest whatsoever in reading more of my novel, please contact me at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Meri

Fake Query 16

Alone in a world inhabited by Multiples, Al Fishton is bullied and teased at school, until the Dark Triplets descend and an ancient prophecy is uncovered. Now he must take up his destiny as . . . Singleton. (Singleton)


Dear Mr Evil,

Al Fishton was an only child, a fact that made his life miserable. You see, in the world of Doppelganger everyone has an indentical twin, twins that are psyhically linked to each other. For years Al was ridiculed in school for his lack of psychic talent. Many a day he spent ditching with fellow misfit, Jack Whiting, those twin was killed in a freak accident.

Mick, Mark and Matt were rare identical triplets. Hailed for their superior psychic abilities, the Darks where treated as royalty, a position thet decided to make permanent. By using their combined psychic link, they discovered they could enslave the town of Doublet and perhaps, the world.

Unaffected by their power and alone, Al uncovered an ancient prophecy that spoke of a single hero. Now Al believes he must find the courage and find a way to defeat the Darks and save Jack and the town.

Newbe Lurker

Fake Query 15

A former heroin addict inherits a tattoo parlor and a Cambodian love slave named Jade from a long lost uncle. (The Dragon and the Butterfly)


Dear Evil Editor,

A lawyer came to rehab yesterday. Seems I’m in my Uncle Badu’s will. I’ve never heard of Uncle Badu. And now, I have to leave rehab early in order to take possession of Badu Tattoo. Can I get methadone to go?

He’s picking me up this morning. Said he’s bringing plane tickets, luggage, everything I need to start my new life – in Cambodia. Drugs are easy to get there, aren’t they? My palms are sweating. What the hell am I thinking?

The envelope shakes in my hand as I tear it open. My Badu Tattoo inventory. I didn’t open it yesterday. Information overload. I smooth out the folds, pressing it hard into my lap. Needles, ink, furniture and jade. Is that a gem? Is it valuable? What are the words after jade? I’ve inherited a love slave? Is that legal?

The lawyer’s here. I get up and follow him out the door. One step at a time. Starting my new life. I think I’m going to puke. I clutch my bag of recovery books, take a deep breath and climb into the car for the first leg of my journey. Wish me luck. I need it.

The Dragon and The Butterfly is 65,000 words of a daily journal that follows Matt as he struggles to begin and maintain his sobriety in a new land, a new life, with a new companion. I have enclosed the first three chapters. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

Sarah

Fake Query 14

When your yappy little dog shits on the neighbor’s carpet; after your mother-in-law says hello; right before the waitress brings the check. (A time to Say Goodbye)


Dear Illustrious Agent:

Ever since she was little, Sithandra had the power to predict absolute certainties concerning the future. Without fail, she would envisage an irksome close of moments and events. A TIME TO SAY GOODBYE is an 80,000 word chick-lit story following the life of a teenage girl who aspires to become a renowned psychic like her mom, Miss Cleo, but finds that she has an even greater impact on the world.

Growing up in a psychic family, Sithandra's ability wasn't unusual. Her spot-on predictions could have made her a legend, but the troubling finality of her visions discouraged her, making her voice largely unheard.

Governor Ted Lamartine, former FCC Chairman and proud Miss Cleo aficionado, learned of Sithandra's exact predictions. Mired in a deeply competitive race for president and hoping to find out the results beforehand, Governor Lamartine seeks out Sithandra after promising Miss Cleo a deal to reach more Americans television audience through his FCC connections.

Sithandra instantly envisages the election's outcome and its horrible impact on the United States and the world. She tries her best to hide the details from Governor Lamartine. Desperate not to live that certain future, she decides to change the election's outcome by any means necessary.

My mother was a psychic much like Professor Trelawney of the Harry Potter series – a bit kooky and demisable; yet when her predictions were correct, they were gravely important. I've picked up on her ability and routinely give readings. I am a professional astrologer for the Washington Post: Express and the Examiner. I am actively using my gift to pay my way through college. A synopsis is included as per your request.

Xiexie

Fake Query 13

Tilpin Alexander deeds his 600 acre island-getaway to his friends in a last-ditch effort to divest himself of assets before his avaricious wife, Nancy, divorces him and takes everything. (Friends in Deed)


Dear Evil Editor:

FRIENDS IN DEED is a darkly humorous contemporary horror/fantasy, set on an exotic, secluded island. It is complete at approximately 90,000 words.

Owning a tropical island sounds great, but for Tilpin Alexander it's just one more problem to deal with. Tilpin discovers his miserable, gold-digging wife Nancy has been "entertaining" half the men in town. No wonder she's always so tired.

Thanks to Community Property laws, if he divorces her she gets half of everything, and that's just not fair. Tilpin decides to deed his tropical paradise to five of his closest friends, thus protecting his assets. It seems like a good idea, until a freak storm knocks out communications and transport to and from the island. By the time help arrives, Tilpin's friend Simon has been brutally murdered and all that's left of him are bones. Tilpin's surviving friends claim they were possessed by evil pig-like spirits, but Tilpin doesn't know what to believe. So he takes Nancy out there for a weekend…hoping to either solve the mystery or rid himself of her once and for all.

I have, of course, highly impressive credentials, which include writing lots of books that sold a bunch of copies, and also I once saw Woody Harrelson in a bar. I'd be happy to send you the complete ms of Friends In Deed for your review.

Thanks for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Deece

Fake Query 12

Yvette Richardson needs some time away after her divorce. Even after extensive research on the Internet, she still can't decide between Mexico or Puerto Rico. Mysterious mail sent from a travel agency she's never heard of helps her decide, but will she meet the tight-abbed hunk on the front of the postcard, as promised? (The Postcard)


Dear Agent X,

I am seeking representation for my novel, The Postcard, a 70,000 word love story, with elements of mystery.

Yvette Richardson needs to get out of town after the trauma of her divorce. She’s been searching the Internet, looking for a faraway place to find some sand, some heat, and maybe somebody to help her move on from the loss of her husband the editor’s love.

A few weeks into her search, Yvette receives mail from a travel agency, with brochures from the One and Only Magical Resort in Cabo. As she pages through the brochure, a postcard wedged in the back pages falls to the floor. Yvette picks it up, and finds herself staring at a tight-abbed young hunk’s picture. Turning the card over, she finds a handwritten note on the back: “I can hardly wait to feel your tender, long fingers on my tight, toned abs, Yvette, my sweet.” The card is signed: The Troll.

Yvette books her flight and makes her hotel reservations, too titillated by thoughts of The Troll to wonder why she received the card and how he came by her name.

The Troll meets Yvette at the airport in Cabo. Or she thinks it’s him, anyway. He has a shirt on, so she’s not sure, but she’s about to find the answer to that, and to many other mysteries.

Please let me know if you would be interested in reading The Postcard. I have included a SASE.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Robin S.

Fake Query 11

After their school is named "America's Most Uncool High School," Tiffany, Amber, and Josh take matters into their own hands--and one by one the dorks begin to disappear. (The Dork Squad)



Dear Evil Editor

I read your blog religiously and know that you represent Middle Grade fiction.

Tiffany, Amber and Josh, friends since forever, learn that MTV is giving special awards to high schools based on coolness. Confident that Middlebrook Academy will win its division, they persuede the pricipal to submit their entry.

Imagine their horror when they learn they've won an award, all right. They've just been crowned "America's Most Uncool High School".

They've got to fix that, pronto, if they ever want to go to the right college. How to do it? Eliminate the geeks and dorks that are dragging down the score!

"The Dork Squad" is a 65,000 word dark comedy for Middle Grade readers. May I send you the first chapters?

Thank you for your consideration.

Khazar-khum

Fake Query 10

When her beloved great-aunt Beulah dies, Holly Hollingsworth goes to the will reading with high expectations. But while her cousin Jarred gets the house, her sister gets the jewelry and her brother gets cash, Holly finds she's been given custody of Beulah's cremains. Now she's trying to discover what she did to deserve . . . A Legacy of Ashes. (A Legacy of Ashes)


Dear EE,

Grieving in the split-level ranch she shares with husband Bart and a six-month supply of pregancy tests (always negative), Holly could really use a dose of Great-aunt Beulah—the stories of her funny escapades, her latest colorful friends in distant places, and the bargains she always brings home that clash hilariously with Bart's idea of appropriate décor.

But Beulah is never coming back.

Actually, that's not entirely true. Beulah is back. Holly just never imagined her beloved aunt would return from Peru in a pale yellow ceramic pot that matches Holly and Bart's family room curtains perfectly.

Receiving Beulah's cremains is only the tip of the ice berg. Beulah left Holly six sealed envelopes, each full of instructions detailing the distribution of her ashes. And envelope number one clearly states that Holly be the one to follow the prescribed path, and that she do it alone. From a ballet dancing glacier guide's cabin in Alaska, to a medicine man's compound in Bali, to an ostrich farm in South Africa, Holly follows her aunt's instructions to the letter. Along the way, she discovers more sides of her aunt—and herself—than she'd dreamed possible. But Holly finds the instructions in the sixth envelope most formidable of all—to return to Bart and the split-level ranch and bury the last bits of Aunt Beulah in her own back yard.

A Legacy of Ashes is complete at 90,000 words. Two modified chapters have been published in "Amazing Words" magazine, including The Fourth Envelope, which was nominated for the Very Austere Award in Short Fiction.

Ali

Fake Query 9

Tracey Robinson wasn't supposed to even go to her aunt's wedding, but a last minute change of plans had her driving south. Little did she know that a chance encounter with a dashing stranger at a rest stop would end with her engaged to the antichrist, who has at his command a thousand zombies waiting to take over the world. (Chance Encounter)


Dear Evil Editor,

I'd like to submit my 80,000 word dark comedy 'Zombie! Zombie!' for your consideration.

Rex Dedly, a morgue lab assistant with a penchant for power, has decided to rule the world with an army of undead. Everything is going as planned - until he meets Tracey Robinson, the buxom blonde who turns the letters in 'Guess That Noun!' on Channel Five. When Rex runs into her at a rest stop, he knows it's fate, kismet, and his only chance at nabbing the girl of his dreams. So he nabs her and runs, intending to convince Tracey to become Queen of the World.

But Tracey isn't convinced. Having zombies wait on you is fine - until parts of them start falling into the soup. She might be blonde and she might be a bimbo - she's decided that the fate of the world depends on her. Tracey manages to thwart Rex's plans when she calls MUBI (the Mutant and Undead Bureau of Investigation), and enlists the help of their newest recruit, Fiona Tipple, ex vamp addict, now in charge of the zombie fraud section. Together, Tracey and Fiona single-handedly destroy the zombie horde and crush Rex Dedly’s dastardly plans of mass destruction.

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Fake Query 8

Stan Milburn, heist-man extraordinaire, gets more than he bargained for after he steals the cursed black diamonds of Calcutta. (Bad Ice)


Dear EE:

If a sentient mineral told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it? Stan Milburn. master jewel thief, daredevil and quick wit, just might. When Stan steals the fabled black diamonds of Calcutta from a high-security museum in Houston, he knows they're supposed to be cursed. What he doesn't know is that they're possessed. A demon, long trapped in the necklace, is soon manipulating Stan's every move for its own dark purposes. Trouble is, the demon's rather charming, and Stan doesn't mind a bit planning caper after caper, releasing demons everywhere he goes. By the time he realizes he's being controlled, Stan can barely fight it.

On the run from the law, the diamonds talk Stan into arson, election-tampering and yes, jumping off a cliff, as the chase continues all across America. The only person who knows what Stan is up against is Lila, the museum guard secretly on his trail. It will take all Lila's strength and goodness to fight the power of the "bad ice" -- but first she must find Stan before the police do, and before the diamond demons can achieve their nefarious goal: changing the outcome of the Presidential election, and the future of the earth itself.

Bad Ice is a 75,000-word tongue-in-cheek paranormal adventure novel. I am a part-time minion and have personally been controlled by demons inhabiting black diamonds. Please let me know if you would like to see more of Bad Ice.

mb

Fake Query 7

Hell just wasn't any fun. Sure it sounded good when Satan used that famous recruiting line: It's better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. The trouble was, Satan was the only one who did any ruling. Everyone else suffered eternal torment. Can Elgin find that elusive chink in the brimstone that will allow him to escape? Also, a clock that runs backwards. (To Serve in Heaven)


Elgin Jones Smith wasn't in love with hell. With all the tormenting and complaining and overcooked food, it was like a really bad cruise. And all that propaganda about reigning there? Dead wrong.

In life, Elgin had been a professional poseur, pretending to be everything from librarian and jockey to casino dealer and Maytag repairman. It was during an unfortunate stint as an IRS accountant that he was murdered and unceremoniously dumped in hell. Now, Elgin is determined to find a chink in the brimstone and escape. Because with time ticking backward and refusing to run out, he's beginning to understand what an eternity of bad food really means.

But first, he has nine circles of hell to pose his way through. Then there's purgatory to contend with. And it looks like Satan may be catching on when the Devil's Brigade shows up in limbo, where Elgin is forced to pass as a fallen angel to escape their notice.

Still, the greatest test of his skill is yet to come: convincing Peter to open the gates of heaven to none other than the newly martyred Saint Elgin. God's in for a good laugh and heaven will never be the same.

Comedic literary novel SERVING BETTER FOOD IN HEAVEN is complete at 80,000 words. I've posed as the author of the wildly successful "Become a professional _____ in Just Two Weeks" series and "Divine Intervention: A 12-Step Program."

If you decide against representing my book, would you consider taking me on as an agent? I can start in two weeks.

Phoenix

Fake Query 6

Where do souls go when they aren't good enough for heaven, nor bad enough for hell? Deed, Montana. Trevor Montgomery just woke up in Deed, and he is about to begin the adventure of his after-life. (Friends in Deed)


Trevor Montgomery is, errr . . . was, a fifteen-year-old kid who recently got smashed by the tail end of Mr. Herbert’s pick-up truck.

The town didn’t blame Mr. Herbert for killing the irksome lad. Instead, they made him a hero and bought him a new truck. Trevor, on the other hand, received a variety of floral arrangements from Mrs. Herbert’s garden, a couple of Hail Mary’s, and a blanket of North Carolina’s finest soil.

When Trevor’s ghostly self appears next to a sign that reads Deed, Montana, he is surprised but makes the best of things. Trevor always wanted to be an invisible prankster. He doesn’t know that by terrorizing the kids at Deed Middle School, he’s poaching on some other ghost’s territory.

The two warring ghosts cannot see each other. Yet, they creatively battle for the screams of Deed Middle.

When the other ghost takes the pranks too far, Trevor must decide between protecting the kids at Deed Middle school or going back to North Carolina.

Church Lady

Fake Query 5

In the far-distant future, a genetically-engineered race of lion-human hybrids looks to the ancient world for inspiration in its battle against an insectile hive-mind. (The Last Lion of Sparta)


Snowball is a typical Kitton, a genetically engineered race of lion-human hybrids. Her quiet life as a pigeon whisperer is thrown into turmoil as killer termites sweep across Earth. Snowball takes refuge in an abandoned library during a termite attack. There she discovers the ancient wisdom of 'Spartan Tactics for Dummies'. Armed with her new knowledge, she starts to train her pigeons as Spartan warriors.

The pigeons win some local battles, but Snowball wants to send the tactics out to other Kittons. She meets Tiggs, an expert in ancient forms of communication. Soon the Spartan-pigeon tactics are being broadcast across the world in Morse code - a language so primitive that the termites won't be able to understand it.

The plan works and pigeon squads are deployed everywhere. Just as it looks like the Kittons are gaining ground, spies bring word of a termite plot. The termites plan to ignite the atmosphere, killing all life on Earth. Snowball leads 300 pigeon warriors against the base housing the atmospheric igniter. Meanwhile, Tiggs and a group of dove ninja assassins try to track down the termite queen. The fate of everyone on Earth depends on them.

Polenth

Fake Query 4

Jack Steele never expected to be forced to go to work for his sister's lingerie company. Now, up to his neck in panties, he must deal with an all-woman office and a rival company that put the "hostile" in takeover. (Barely There)


Dear Mr. Editor:

Jack Steele graduated college with a collection of conquest trophies that would make Don Juan blush: three hundred thongs, nine crotchless panties, and two sets of false teeth. Four years later, his latest girlfriend has flung him into the street, and he realizes... he needs a job.

He calls on his sister, Brenda, the lingerie industry's hottest up-and-comer with her new company, "Laced". When Brenda offers him the graveyard shift packing panties in the company's basement warehouse, however, he balks... until she reminds him of his $40,000 in bad debts. Bitter and lonely, his night life ruined, Jack starts frequenting online chat rooms. When a self-described hottie named December Robin hits on him, he's eager to meet her.

He doesn't realize that December Robin is actually April Lark, CEO of Panties "R" Us. April seduces her way into Jack's warehouse, then steals Brenda's corporate secrets in order to take over. When Brenda investigates and finds Jack in the middle of it all, she has Jack and April arrested. Seeing Jack in handcuffs reminds April of their nights in the warehouse, and she realizes she's fallen in love with him. With her entire company and future at stake, can April get herself and Jack off?

"Barely There" is a chick-lit romantic fiction novel complete in 240,000 words. My story "The Grass Is Always Greener In Someone Else's Pipe" appeared in "Weed Words," and my poem "Go Shit on Somebody Else's Day, I'm on the Phone" appeared in the anthology "Vanity Poetry."

Sincerely,

pjd

Fake Query 3

Todd has never been part of the Crisco crowd, opting for single partner sex . . . but when the hot new swingers club opens up on Pheelmore Avenue, Todd decides an “orgy” is in order. It isn’t until he pays the two hundred bucks and follows the circuitous underground tunnel that he discovers he’s in the orangutan cage of the city zoo. (The Nature Room)


Dear Agent,

On his 21st birthday, Barnaby Canley discovers his manservant is in reality his half-brother Tag; he spurns his aristocratic and privileged upbringing for the hardships of sailing and exploration. Together, the half-brothers travel to Africa in search of equality and adventure. In Africa they learn true equality when an accident forces them to renounce their humanity and return to civilization as beasts of the jungle.

Set against the backdrop of savage Africa and the slave trade, "The Nature Room" is a 100,000-word novel of Irish class structure in the early 19th century. A rich and privileged aristocrat and his low-class half-brother leave Scotland for the seafaring life of explorers. They quickly determine to seek equality in unexplored Africa. As they travel to the Congo and become the first Europeans to establish a station above the waterfalls and rapids of the Congo River. They struggle to maintain what the French and Americans embraced in their revolutions as Liberty, Equality and Fraternity in the face of slave trade, crooked chieftains, wild animals and insects. Disappointed and unable to change the world, Tag and Barnaby change their physical beings and join the lesser primates to achieve their dream of living together as equals. As modern society rejects them, they live out their lives at the first Zoo in Vienna.

I am as yet unpublished.

I've enclosed the first three pages of this novel. Thank you for your time and effort.

Dave F.

Fake Query 2

Half bear, half video game princess, Grizelda is torn between her loyalty to pixilated fantasy worlds and her love of scaring campers in national parks. /// Sick to death of all the "wicked witch" jokes, sixteen-year-old Grizelda Smitts decides she might as well take up witchcraft--and finds that she's surprisingly good at it. (Grizelda)


Dear Evil One,

Sixteen-year-old Grizelda Smitts believes what goes around comes around. Since kids make fun of her name and her green skin, she decides to show them what it feels like to walk a mile in her shoes. Beauty isn’t skin deep and it’s time these kids learned that lesson.

Rolling up her sleeves and diving into a book on witchcraft, Grizelda brews up the strongest potion she can find which promises to change the appearance of all who are in range when it comes to fruition. But there’s a difference between human time and witch time. The spell matures when Grizelda is the only one near it.

She wakes and smacks her lips. Talk about morning breath. It’s like she was asleep for months. She shuffles out of the cave and faints at the sight of a bear reflected in the nearby stream. When she comes to again, Grizelda looks in a mirror, and sees she’s beautiful with long blond hair, glowing yellow skin and a diamond studded tiara. But every step she takes pings and every move she makes pongs. And what is that music?

Is Grizelda doomed to live half her life crapping in the woods and the other half wishing for earplugs?

Grizelda, a 90,000 word non-fiction picture book, is based on my own experiences as a green teenage witch and the spell that went awry. My previous book, The Berries Diet, was published under the pseudonym of Beary White.

Sarah

Fake Query 1

As hordes of rowdies march toward Roan Castle, Minnie Murphy grabs her wedding dress, jumps on the nearest horse, and starts a thundering stampede. The villains run away! Minnie saved the day! Then she finds a priest and her cowering beau, Sir Falderall! It's City Slickers meets Camelot as the wedding goes on as planned! (The Horses of Roan)


Secret Agent Man:

When Minnie Murphy arranges her vacation in England, she has no idea she'll fall head over heels in love with Sir Falderall, an actual British knight. But fall she does, and the wedding is set for the coming Saturday, on the grounds of Roan Castle. What Minnie doesn't know is that Saturday is also the day of the Cup finals, the biggest football match in Britain.

As Minnie is about to walk down the aisle, she spots a horde of hooligans heading toward the wedding party, drunk and spoiling for a fight. Apparently their team lost. Or won; it doesn't seem to matter to Brits. No way is Minnie going to let these rowdies ruin her big day. She opens the conveniently located corral of horses, hops on the nearest one, and drives a stampede right at the interlopers. From that day forth she's known as Minnie Driver.

By the time the orchestra strikes up the wedding march, the hooligans have been trampled to death and Minnie is back in her place in the procession, none the worse for wear, except for the horsehair all over her gown. But where's Sir Falderall? Seems Minnie's beau disappeared at the first sign of trouble, and hasn't been seen since.

The Horses of Roan is the first book in my series featuring Minnie Murphy, a heroine who always gets her man, but never quite gets him to the altar.

Thank you for making it to the end of my query.

Sincerely,

Evil Editor

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1. The instant longshoreman Joe Dentmore saw the dude and the dame in the white coats running toward his forklift, he figured -- mad scientists! And how right he was! They're attempting to take over the world with the aid of a woman whose outfits scandalously fall off at critical moments. Can Joe stop them, or must he call in Team X97Z -- the zombie axemen?

2. Prayers finds herself trapped in a tower after eloping with Eagle, a reckless warrior. She is rescued by a renowned gypsy adventuress (who has finally found in Sorgaard a man worthy of her attention). Meanwhile, Eagle is betrayed by Prayers's cousin, a mercenary in the employ of Alexey Nikolayevsky, who has a secret grudge to settle against Sorgaard. Okay, okay, none of that really happens.

3. Karen is trying to break up, but apparently for Todd, this does not compute. As she rants, he whaps himself upside the head and a small door creaks open, revealing a slot. He pops out the old disk, inserts a new one, and starts reformatting his brain. This is exactly what she was talking about! His needs always come before hers!

4. Despite legions of armed military, no beans can leave the coffee warehouses of Columbia. The Sisters of Platitude are saving the world from moral decrepitude, which Dr. Gus "Chicken Face" Lombardi proved is caused by coffee (his analysis produced a chi square statistic that was significant to the .04% level). This will be the worst day of General Rodriguez's life.

5. Technophobe Lulu Nelson goes crazy when her cell phone runs completely down, her PC crashes, her power is shut off, and her boyfriend tells her he's postponing their wedding. After being accused of taking part in a vicious crime spree, Lulu is arrested. But she falls in love with her bail bondsman, who turns out to be a video game addict.

6. Washington, DC madam Scarlett D'Onofrio loves