Why you don't get published.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
New Beginning 222
Anticipation drove her a little insane ever since she'd received the message with the day and time. If she allowed her mind to linger on it, her body ached all the more. Good thing she had such self-discipline.
Most times.
The moment arrived and after three long months apart, she'd see him. That knowing smile. Those blue, lust-filled eyes. Surely he was nervous too, craving this just as badly. To hear his voice, saying her name again . . .
He signed on and she almost cried just watching the name appear on the computer. She clicked on ACCEPT and the green light of her own webcam blinked on. Damn her heart, skipping another beat. Screw patience anyway. She focused on that black square, cursing it to go away and reveal him instead. She fought against chewing on her bottom lip so the gloss wouldn't smear. She had to look perfect, despite her nerves.
As the black square morphed into a living picture, she held her breath, the smile frozen on her perfect face.
She tried to speak, but her lips wouldn't move. The three months had been hell, no Internet, no nothing.
His face came into focus. Those tortured eyes. That sneering mouth.
"Hi," she smiled.
"Never again!" he bellowed. "An entire semester teaching creative writing at SUNY is more than even Evil Editor should have to endure."
Opening: Brenda Bradshaw.....Continuation: Kate Thornton
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10 comments:
ANTICIPATION...
OK, she's nervous at meeting HIM. and he's got "blue, lust-filled eyes"
It's a good opening and I want to read more to find out what's going to happen.
Clarification: They've MET in person daily tons of times. She has his body memorized by sight and by touch. This isn't the first time she's EVER seen him, just the first time since he left three months ago. This sentence, ...after three long months apart, she'd see him should have "again" added to the end. Thanks for pointing that out for me so I can fix it.
Kate! How'd you know I was referring to EE?! *grin* Perfection.
This opening confused me somewhat. It took a couple of reads to understand that she was anticipating a webcam encounter, rather than a face to face meeting.
I think it needs tightening. Some of the sentence structure takes away from the tension, for instance:
"Damn her heart, skipping another beat."
I'd look for another way to say it.
I think the next sentence could be tossed:
"Screw patience anyway."
It seems out of place in that paragraph. I think I'd also be on the prowl for cliche sounding phrases like: "That knowing smile. Those blue, lust-filled eyes." I don't read romance, and maybe those types of cliches are sort of expected, but I'd be wary of using them.
Overall, I'm interested in what's going to happen next, so I'd keep reading. It's an interesting set-up, but I think you can make it more intriguing, Brenda. Keep at it, it's a good start!
This sentence, ...after three long months apart, she'd see him should have "again" added to the end. Thanks for pointing that out for me so I can fix it.
Actually, no one pointed it out. And "After three months apart" pretty much implies that they were together three months ago.
That first sentence really needs past perfect continuous (progressive) to make sense:
Anticipation had been driving her a little insane...
However, as there considerable prejudice, at least among writers, against this tense, which is widely misunderstood, it might be better to rephrase the sentence.
Thanks, guys!
One day I'll buck up enough to put one of my real works out here and not just these timed challenges I throw together. You guys are the best!
I really hope this woman gets cruelly dumped in the next paragraph, but then, I am soooo not a romantic.
This piece has a lively voice, and it certainly got an emotional response from me regarding the protagonist (an immediate, visceral contempt :-D ).
I also don't think the first sentence works grammatically, and I agree there's a bit of fluff in the fourth paragraph that could stand to be trimmed. Not a lot needs to go, but I think the pacing would be punchier without the "Damn her heart, skipping another beat. Screw patience anyway."
However, that would also water down the lively voice I complimented earlier.
You could get rid of the word "instead" out of "...cursing it to go away and reveal him instead." That would also help improve the pacing.
It's pretty good the way it stands. It isn't my cup of tea, but I can see the strength of the writing. Nice work!
whitemouse, if it makes you feel any better, he did leave me... err... her.
I've been waiting like this as well - it is nervewracking!
And the continuation was really good, too -
I figured EE had that sneering mouth - hadn't thought of the poor old guy's tortured eyes.
Does this mean I get to webcam with EE? *bounces up and down excitedly in her chair*
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