Waking Horizon
1. Beware, for the days of yore have come to pass and the horizon wakes to cleanse the world. Too bad Jenna sleeps in until noon.
2. 6'6" 330lb Marco Bryce attends the Air Force Academy on a linebacker scholarship, but he really wants to fly jet fighters. Unfortunately, so do a lot of shorter, lighter applicants. Fortunately, they are shorter, lighter, and a lot more fragile.
3. Narcolepsy is ruining Vern's life. His well-meaning mother sends him to a clinic for necrophobia which happens to be an undercover training grounds for killing the undead. Vern enjoys training to become a slayer, but falling asleep at the wrong moment leads to an unfortunate misunderstanding of which side of the grave he belongs on.
4. When Mary picked up a book on lucid dreaming she didn't think it would lead to setting loose a dream demon. Now half the population is falling into comas, the other half is going crazy from lack of sleep, and the Dream Keepers tell Mary her death is the only way to stop the demon. She just hopes prom isn't cancelled.
5. When witch Anisa gets accused of accessory to attempted murder, the alpha of the lupine pack is pissed. This could bring unwanted attention to all the new species infiltrating the human race. Also, an unlikely romance.
6. As the sun rises, the residents of the Corgian Kingdom see the purple horde army of their enemy, Annuviul IV, moving through the plains, and it doesn't look like they're coming for a party. Can one teenage girl thwart them with her secret superpower?
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Killing people is complicated. Nearly as complicated as [getting rid of the body, but she'll find a place to put it if it takes] the rest of Anisa Claire Hawthorn's life. She'd [She's] spent the last fifteen years of her damned existence running.Now she kills the same monsters that killed her mother. The modern world has become a frightening place.The human race is still adjusting to news of the three new species that call themselves "The Kindred". [Are the monsters who killed her mother people or actual monsters? If she's killing non-human monsters, why not open by saying killing monsters is complicated?.] They bear resemblance to the mythical creatures that human folklore has painted in many shades over the centuries- and Anisa is one of them.She's a craft weaver, whom many in human history have labeled a witch. If only they knew there were much worse things out there. [Who is "they"? Many in human history? How would the world be different if only they knew?] [Are craft weavers one of the three new species? Because they aren't that new.] [Three of the sentences in this paragraph didn't have a space after them.]
But trying to be inconspicuous isn't alsways [always] easy when you're a Kindred. Humans view the Kindred in equal parts reverence and fear. Some, with a healthy dose of suspecion. [suspicion] Regardless, Anisa tries to start anew when she settles in a small, rural town in Northern Georgia.
Despite her best efforts, Anisa suddenly receives more attention than a girl in hiding could ask for-becoming an accessory for [to] attempted murder to start [for starters]. Now some of the local Kindred aren't happy with her; namely, [especially] the alpha of the southern lupine pack. Still trying to stay under the radar, while simultaneously ["While" implies simultaneously.] attempting to clear her name, Anisa uses every tool at her disposal to find whose [who's] set her up. [You said she became an accessory to murder, but clearing her name suggests she didn't do it.] Can she awaken the foreign magic within in order to save herself and those she loves? [If she's been killing monsters, I have to assume she's already awakened the magic within. If you have magic powers, you don't keep them buried within when you're going monster hunting. You didn't see the Scarlet Witch taking on Thanos without using her magic.] Or will she lose to the impending threat just waking over the horizon? [What is the impending threat that's just waking?]
Waking Horizon is a 94,000 word paranormal romance novel. [This is a romance novel? Who's the romance between? Anisa and the wolfman?] It is the first installment to a series. Readers that enjoy works from Ilona Andrews and Gena Showalter might also enjoy this.
I live in Birmingham, Alabama where I work as a nurse in the ICU. I've had a love for reading my entire life, and have recently developed an equal love and enjoyment for writing.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Notes
How many monsters were involved in killing her mother? Shouldn't have taken more than two or three, so Anisa should be finished with her mission.
Start over. Paragraph 1: Who's your main character, what's her situation, and what's her goal? (Saving the world? Hooking up with the hunky warlock?)
Paragraph 2: What obstacles are preventing her from succeeding? What's her plan to overcome them? What goes wrong?
Paragraph 3: What's at stake? What will happen if she fails? (To the world or to her lover or whatever).
Something about the romance should be included.
1 comment:
If the story is paranormal romance, the story is about the romance, otherwise it's probably paranormal fantasy or urban paranormal with a romantic subplot.
For romances, the standard query format seems to be a para about the MC & their problems, a para about the significant other involvement and what's keeping them from hitching up with the MC, a para about how the relationship is going to develop.
Make certain you've cleaned up all spelling and grammatical errors before sending your query out to agents.
As for this rendition, the ideas don't flow very well. The backstory in the first three sentences of the first paragraph has nothing to do with the world building that comes after. Assuming her mother's murder isn't central to the plot (and if it is, you need more details as to how), you can probably dump the first paragraph, and the one that comes after that also seems to be world building and backstory.
The inciting event for the main plot seems to be Anisa's been set up. Tell us the incriminating evidence and what exactly she plans on doing about it. If it's worth mentioning a vague impending threat, it's worth being specific as to what it is, and what Anisa can/plans on doing about that as well.
Try to focus on cause and effect. Good luck.
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