Monday, January 20, 2014

The 8th Annual Oscar Guess the Plot Quiz

Below are the Motion Picture Academy's nominees for best picture. The actual plot of each film is hidden among a few fake plots. Can you get them all right?


A lonely writer gets help with his personal problems from his new computer operating system. But can she help with his biggest problem, the fact that he's fallen in love with her?

The true story of Catherine Williams, an African American opera singer who was captured and sold into slavery.

The true story of the last Aztec and how she clung to her belief system and her culture until she was ultimately murdered for no good reason.

Claude has been invited to his first dinner party. After he uses the master bathroom, he asks the hostess why her robe hook is labeled her and not hers. She claims it says hers, and the other guests agree. Is it Claude, or is everyone in his new neighborhood crazy?


Or, more accurately, Lack of Gravity. After their shuttle is destroyed in space, a man and a woman are left tethered together, floating in the void. The woman doesn't complain, mainly because the guy looks just like George Clooney.

Get ready for the real story about this natural force that's bigger than nature, and stronger than you! Everything you thought you knew about gravity has been completely disproved. Take a wild journey with us in this four hour documentary.

The true story of the slave ship Gravity, which carried countless African-Americans to New Orleans.

As the population of Earth rises, the weight of Earth does as well, until Earth's increased gravity starts pulling the moon closer and closer. Scientist Roger Carpenter has a plan that could save us all: ship all the elephants into space.


Noting that their books don't sell well in Nebraska, a publisher titles their next book Nebraska in hopes of spurring sales in that state. A slight improvement in Nebraska sales is accompanied by a massive drop in all other states and yet another bankrupt publisher.

A guy wins a million-dollar sweepstakes and drives to Nebraska to claim his winnings, taking along his estranged son on what could turn out to be the road trip from hell.

t was the state all of Grace's plastic tchotchkes had been shipped from, and each had been signed Gerald. Is Gerald the man in Grace's dreams? Grace leaves everything behind and road trips across America to find herself and the man who fondles her tchotchkes.

The true story of a colony of former African-Ameican slaves as they try to settle the unforgiving plains.


Philomina, an Evil Editor minion, decides it's time to fly to New York City for the first time. She's going to find EE in the bustling crowd and get his autograph. The week she arrives is also the Annual Muttonchop Convention. He's everywhere in every shape and size!

No idea what this one's about, but it sounds like one of them foreign films.

It's an Academy requirement that no Oscar ceremony can go on without at least one movie based on a true story and starring Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, or Maggie Smith. Whichever one it is is searching for her long-lost son.

The true story of a former African-American slave who struggles to establish a university in Nebraska.

Captain Phillips

The plot's not important. What's important is that it's got pirates! Arrrrgh!

Move over Morgan! There's a bigger badder captain waiting to crawl inside all the fine young lasses, and he's going to make you eat parrot stew and strut down the plank in a pink tutu and red heart pasties.

The makers of Phillips Milk of Magnesia decide their product needs a mascot. Enter Captain Phillips, a constipated walrus, who needs fast relief if he's to pilot his schooner across the Bering Sea.

The true story of Jack Phillips, who commanded the slave ship 'Nebraska'.

12 Years a Slave

After signing a three-book deal, author Jessica Lorenz discovers that the fine print in her contract forbids her to write anything in any genre for anyone until her contract is fulfilled. If only she were more prolific.

Hercules has had it with Omphale's demands, and three years have felt like a dozen. When she tells him she's pregnant, he plans to leave like any smart man would, but forgets to put the toilet seat down the night before.

An African-American man is kidnapped from his home town in New York. The next thing he knows he's been transported to the American South in the year 1841 and sold into slavery.

The true story of Simon Cohen, a Yale-educated, Holocaust survivor financier at a bank owned by Harvard grads in Nebraska.

American Hustle

As usual, the top prizes at the International Ballroom Championships are being won by Russians and Ukrainians. But wait, there's a new event this year: American Hustle. And Americans Oxsana Yurivich and Alexei Karsai are looking to take home the gold.

The true story of former African-American slaves who founded a drag club in Pittsburgh.

The thirty-ninth installment of the world's most intriguing twelve hour documentaries about various cities in random countries and their flea markets. Next week: Cleveland (a thirteen hour special!)

Two conmen are forced to work for the FBI, and . . . aw, who cares what happens, it's got Jennifer Lawrence.

Dallas Buyers Club

Members of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders open an online auction site offering game-worn garments, and bringing in 50 times the money raised by their football-playing counterparts' game-worn jerseys and do-rags.

The true story of a Texas organization that purchased African American slaves for use in Georgia.

In the obligatory AIDS-related nominee, a homophobic bull rider starts a club to help AIDS patients (like himself) get their drugs.

Every city Thomas has been to recently seems to have a Sellers Club. But where are all the Buyers Clubs? Thomas must find the last Buyers Club before he gets attacked by the 50 foot woman.

The Wolf of Wall Street

The true story of Peter Lupin, the Nebraskan former African American slave who financed the importation of African American slaves while hiding behind a veneer of abolitionism.

After losing everything in the recession of 2008, a werewolf sets out to take revenge on every banker he can get his fangs on.

Brokers have noticed the cute mangy canine that roams the halls of Wall Street's financial houses, but no one knows it's a hologram. One Tuesday afternoon, it morphs into a nine foot werewolf and clears the trading floor. Enter Victor, the werewolf's programmer, and Wall Street's fiercest wolf.

The rise and fall of some stockbroker. Wall Street criminals may not get what's coming to them in real life, but maybe in the movies . . .

Answers below

Fakes submitted by CavalierdeNuit, Khazar-khum and EE


Her: Computer love
Gravity: George Clooney
Nebraska: Road trip
Philomena: Judi Dench
Captain Phillips: Pirates!
12 Years a Slave: 1841
American Hustle: Jennifer Lawrence
Dallas Buyers Club: AIDS
The Wolf of Wall Street: Stockbroker


Anonymous said...

Ha ha, well done - very funny fakes!

khazar-khum said...

Minions--what would the ultimate Oscar-bait movie be?