tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post9065202023780684485..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 880Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30222925012132118132011-03-22T10:24:16.313-04:002011-03-22T10:24:16.313-04:00You've given us a generic overview. The plot a...You've given us a generic overview. The plot as presented doesn't stand up to scrutiny.<br /><br />If G is the mc start with her. If she's a complication start with L. G reads like an add on. If she saw bad things coming at the beginning of the story, that should be in the first part of the query.Wilkins MacQueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05601091849024992561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48195402265908410382011-03-22T03:32:11.005-04:002011-03-22T03:32:11.005-04:00HUH???
Start over. The main thing hinting at inte...HUH???<br /><br />Start over. The main thing hinting at interest here is Gabby and her "bad things" hunches. Take the set up here and condense it into a sentence as a lead in to that. And then....ummmm....tell us what it's about.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51529541066788314212011-03-21T19:30:20.544-04:002011-03-21T19:30:20.544-04:00There's gotta be something on the land that th...There's gotta be something on the land that the mob wants.<br /><br />My suggestions:<br /><br />1. The legendary loot of some wild west outlaw is rumored to be stowed there, a la <i>Holes</i>.<br /><br />2. There's a big ol' uranium lode. Meh, would that fly now? Diamond lode. Whatever.<br /><br />3. The Havasupai Indians have a clear claim to the land, but have never bothered to go after it due to court costs, but they might be persuaded to make a try for the land in order to build the world's biggest casino on it if the mob-- persuaded them.<br /><br />4. The land contains a portal into multiple universes.<br /><br />5. Whatever it is, better tell us.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62518801484806577722011-03-21T19:19:00.351-04:002011-03-21T19:19:00.351-04:00The plot seems to be odd. I doubt the mob would wa...The plot seems to be odd. I doubt the mob would want a pristine wilderness far from civilization. What financial advantage would that bring?<br /><br />There is plenty of isolated desert land far from civilization in Arizona. <br /><br />Perhaps they tried to scare them off by trying to kill them . . . but still. . . rather odd thing for professional criminals to do. <br /><br />And, then the FBI can't keep them safe so they run, following Gabby's bad vibes?<br /><br />To Mexico? <br /><br />There is some major holes in this query. <br /><br />Tell us about the secret identities of the mob members. Start there.vkwnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76207759383377174482011-03-21T16:08:59.271-04:002011-03-21T16:08:59.271-04:00"Lindsey Hunt and Daniel Burke are two people..."Lindsey Hunt and Daniel Burke are two people starting over together at mid-life. They, along with Daniel's daughter, Gabby, and her boyfriend, Trent, live in the remote mountain community of Luna Lake, Arizona."<br /><br />The beginning of your query letter is supposed to generate reader interest. Right now, all I know is a family lives in Arizona. I feel no desire to read a book about a family starting over in Arizona.<br /><br />Maybe try something like this:<br /><br />Lindsey Hunt and Daniel Burke think they've found a quiet life in remote Luna Lake Arizona. That is, until the mob orders a hit on Lindsey in order to seize the thousands of acres of unspoiled forest she has inherited.<br /><br />Obviously, don't use this word for word. Right it in your own voice. In fact, this still isn't all that great.<br /><br />You can also leave the daughter and boyfriend out of the first paragraph. In fact, I'd leave Trent out in general unless he actually does something important.Ryan Muellerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05364911012131580497noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52192972885197656382011-03-21T15:36:59.841-04:002011-03-21T15:36:59.841-04:00Hopefully, this query doesn't do the story jus...Hopefully, this query doesn't do the story justice. There's so much missing here, it's impossible to say whether this story is either suspenseful or thrilling. <br /><br />In a nutshell, this is what I know from the query: <br /><br />Set up: Lindsey owns thousands of acres in Arizona and the mob wants it (But why? Antagonists need as much motivation as Protagonists to make a story work. And if the mob wants it so bad, why doesn't Lindsey just sell it to them and retire in Mexico?)<br /><br />First Plot Point: When the FBI fails to protect Lindsey and her family, step-daughter Gabby uses her sixth sense to lead the family on a perilous journey of survival. (This is so vauge, it's meaningless. All stories in this genre include peril and survival). <br /><br />The End: Lindsey and her husband flee to Mexico, and learn who betrayed them. (I'm guessing it isn't the mob. And what happened to sixth-sense-Gabby and the boyfriend?)<br /><br />Beyond having no clue what actually happens in this story or why, a query is not the place to give away the ending (however vague). A query should make an agent/reader think, "I can't wait to see how this turns out".flibgibbethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01947123089305169481noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-3575900670440544182011-03-21T15:23:43.397-04:002011-03-21T15:23:43.397-04:00Khazar-khum, not just people moving to Mexico. Ari...Khazar-khum, not just people moving to Mexico. <i>Arizonans</i> moving to Mexico. <br /><br />Let's just hope their paperwork is in order.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21576068811368047732011-03-21T14:10:56.707-04:002011-03-21T14:10:56.707-04:00Yeah, I don't get it either. They must not car...Yeah, I don't get it either. They must not care about the land that much if they go to Mexico. Doesn't the mob get it anyway then? Why don't they just give the mob the land and move into a rent controlled apartment? Why isn't the FBI protecting them? Surely the property taxes on that sucker must be worth the time.Joe Gnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65629925565888763742011-03-21T14:09:23.148-04:002011-03-21T14:09:23.148-04:00This sounds like all set-up with no payoff.
What ...This sounds like all set-up with no payoff.<br /><br />What happens when they reach Mexico? Is this the Mob, or drug cartels? What's so special about the land?<br /><br />Right now all I see is: People moving to Mexico.Khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27998724469586347642011-03-21T13:33:37.193-04:002011-03-21T13:33:37.193-04:00I agree. This sounds like an interesting premise, ...I agree. This sounds like an interesting premise, but the query needs work to present it. Merely moving to Mexico would not be that thrilling to me, unless I ran out of bottled water. Joseph Bonanno and his son Bill lived in Arizona, and Sam Gravano moved there to start his drug business, so Arizona is a credible place to find the Mafia, but the query needs to make this clear. The author could call this YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO MEET THE MOB, or THEY WERE OUT IN THE STICKS BUT NOT OUT OF THE WOODS. I like plot premise #4 better, with one change. The way I would say it, not only is the bar's one toilet busted, but the bartender has been spiking the drinks with prune juice. Not THAT would be a suspenseful story.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6802505729204960332011-03-21T12:59:15.312-04:002011-03-21T12:59:15.312-04:00I can't figure out what's going on from th...I can't figure out what's going on from the query letter. Plus, as EE points out, your inciting incident (the mob wanting to kill Lindsey to get her land) sounds like a plot hole.<br /><br />You have written 105,000 words but all I've got is people want to kill her so Lindsey runs away. In fact she abandons the land she's running away to avoid having to give it up - why doesn't she just hand it over? Once she and her family reach the place where no one will ever find them - and oddly enough they've chosen an internationally famous tourist destination - they figure out what happened. The End.<br /><br />There is no real resolution to the original conflict. Presumably the mob gets her land after all, and I'm guessing she finds out the family member she inherited the land from was a mobster. That is a poor payoff for readers who invest their emotions in reading a fairly long book.<br /><br />I applaud you for not wanting to put *everything* in the query letter, but you've left out some important stuff. The agent must be able to see from your letter that your plot hangs together and the climax is worth the read.<br /><br />PS: And Trent's really an FBI agent, right?Adelehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08790958029798438793noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17586018673119900292011-03-21T11:22:32.010-04:002011-03-21T11:22:32.010-04:00Having been to Arizona I was a little startled by ...Having been to Arizona I was a little startled by the idea of it containing forests, but teh google indicates that indeed it does. Huh. <br /><br />Is Gabby's sixth sense important to the story? Is this a paranormal? If so, say more about it.<br /><br />And yeah, it sounds like they go to Cabo San Lucas and get offed. You need to say a little more about it than that their journey ends there.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com