tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post8804613179010806198..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 979Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75799414006683384792011-12-29T06:32:54.856-05:002011-12-29T06:32:54.856-05:00Lol, Anon, you do try hard to annoy me. Sadly, you...Lol, Anon, you do try hard to annoy me. Sadly, you have no idea how. Bless!nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25884980048213854652011-12-27T16:55:52.922-05:002011-12-27T16:55:52.922-05:00@EE
Oh, no, I wasn't expecting more comments ...@EE<br /><br />Oh, no, I wasn't expecting more comments or anything. Just was confused. Thanks for the clarification and, of course, for the feedback on my query :)thepopeofbeershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03521786347590273573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76875014073096552032011-12-27T08:45:44.654-05:002011-12-27T08:45:44.654-05:00The revised query in the one before yours was writ...The revised query in the one before yours was written by Evil Editor. Occasionally EE posts the author's "Original Version" and then EE's own "Revised Version." <br /><br />Revised versions written by the author go in the comments. As your revised version was submitted while your query was still the top item on the blog, and people tend to check the comments to see if new ones have arrived, there was no need to state it was there. If you were expecting more comments, perhaps the fact that it was Christmas weekend had something to do with it (although author revisions rarely get as many comments as the originals).Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36242002856762329882011-12-27T00:39:59.891-05:002011-12-27T00:39:59.891-05:00I must admit I am a little confused as to why my r...I must admit I am a little confused as to why my revised query didn't get a shout-out. I mean, for example, the query before me got its revised query added to the main post.thepopeofbeershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03521786347590273573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44440795621744955292011-12-26T13:43:07.979-05:002011-12-26T13:43:07.979-05:00@Mister Furkles
Yes, sorry, Marcus is Danny's...@Mister Furkles<br /><br />Yes, sorry, Marcus is Danny's boyfriend. I'll make that more clear. And you're right about the "impossible" word choice.<br /><br />Unfortunately, I don't think I can explain why exactly Marcus needs blood in the space of a query letter. I was thinking about rewriting the line to read, "Marcus is convinced their abilities are in their blood, and John Doe is one of the few Caps who can supply them with enough," or something, something.thepopeofbeershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03521786347590273573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77977628253777788902011-12-26T13:15:33.987-05:002011-12-26T13:15:33.987-05:00Why not take a stab at a rewrite where Danny's...Why not take a stab at a rewrite where Danny's story is mentioned first? That way it might make a smoother flow as to who is opposing who. (And again: you don't have to say "he ate her fingers" in like three different ways, once is enough.)150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37443268251898019552011-12-25T12:20:22.786-05:002011-12-25T12:20:22.786-05:00Revised query is much better. Hope the book finds...Revised query is much better. Hope the book finds its audience.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69620217422187272682011-12-24T21:28:00.882-05:002011-12-24T21:28:00.882-05:00It's always amazing when people are affronted ...<i>It's always amazing when people are affronted by their own ignorance.</i><br /><br />Indeed. Yet, it seems to me the one most consistently and regularly affronted here is yourself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-23485112687952522011-12-24T13:08:02.499-05:002011-12-24T13:08:02.499-05:00Ref P-o-B’s rewrite,
This is much better. A coupl...Ref P-o-B’s rewrite,<br /><br />This is much better. A couple of comments about P2:<br /><br />If Marcus is Danny’s boyfriend, it isn’t entirely clear. If not, how does Marcus relate to Danny?<br /><br />Their abilities can’t be "impossible" if they have them. This is nitpicky. Still agents and editors are nitpicky readers.<br /><br />Why does Marcus need their blood?<br /><br />Just because you have homosexuals in your story doesn’t mean it is LGBT. If it is intended for LGBT readers you should mention it somehow. It may pique the interest agents and editors who handle LGBT. They may not be otherwise interested in superhero novels.Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05006382791715850223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71442393494151416892011-12-24T10:01:01.419-05:002011-12-24T10:01:01.419-05:00Okay, "fingers were stolen from her" isn...Okay, "fingers were stolen from her" isn't working either. The words don't evoke the act. In fact... <br /><br />I'm afraid your writing is a bit awkward. Since your comment was much more straighforward than your rewritten query, I'm guessing the problem is that you're reaching too hard for new ways to say things. You don't need to do that.<br /><br />Someone or other said once said that the writing should be a clear pane of glass through which the reader sees the story. Someone else said good writing, like good breeding, never calls attention to itself.<br /><br />Spleak painly.alaskaravenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72209451031623757122011-12-24T09:47:51.336-05:002011-12-24T09:47:51.336-05:00It's always amazing when people are affronted ...It's always amazing when people are affronted by their own ignorance.<br /><br />Go google William Blake, why not.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28502937762736137742011-12-24T01:08:04.985-05:002011-12-24T01:08:04.985-05:00OH-kay, took a quick swing at a rewrite.
TYGER, ...OH-kay, took a quick swing at a rewrite.<br /><br /><br />TYGER, BURNING is a superhero novel complete at 90,000 words.<br /><br />Kallie's fingers were stolen from her, but she's still stronger than anyone she's ever known, and she aches to be the hero she could be. When the man who maimed her is broken out of his padded cell, she knows he will find her again. She can regenerate, but John Doe plucked the fingers from her hand, swallowed each one with care, and he took too much. She can already feel the phantom crawl of his tongue, and she will kill him before he tastes her for the last time.<br /><br />Danny's the reason John Doe's free, and he did it because his boyfriend told him to. Marcus is looking for the source of their impossible abilities, and he's convinced John Doe can supply them with the blood they need, but all Danny's looking for is another handle of vodka and figures, "Why the fuck not?" During the break out, Marcus is badly wounded, John Doe escapes, and Danny finds himself scrambling to salvage Marcus's plans. There is someone else, though, they could use instead. Someone whose abilities are very similar to John Doe's. Someone named Kallie.<br /><br />TYGER, BURNING is written from Kallie's and Danny's points of view.thepopeofbeershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03521786347590273573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78195336961816230562011-12-23T21:02:44.355-05:002011-12-23T21:02:44.355-05:00...you would eliminate the issue of having to tell...<i>...you would eliminate the issue of having to tell us that it's a gay/lesbian themed story, because we would see it.</i><br /><br />On the other hand, if you don't telegraph up front what it's all about, the morally outraged might have to actually read it <i>before</i> beginning their protests...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6377443992689079192011-12-23T20:42:42.970-05:002011-12-23T20:42:42.970-05:00Okay, technically my comment came after yours, aut...Okay, technically my comment came after yours, author, but when I posted it yours hadn't posted yet, so . . I'M BACK!<br /><br />I think there's no harm in posting a longer version here. I'm sure we minions would be happy to tell you which things we'd lose or keep ;) Even if the opinions vary greatly, you'll get an idea of what information people find necessary.Chelsea Pitcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301150715189103602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2734978025771906772011-12-23T18:58:21.555-05:002011-12-23T18:58:21.555-05:00The premise is interesting, but I think you have a...The premise is interesting, but I think you have a chance to tell us a lot more. I would love to see a version with the romance woven in, and in that way, you would eliminate the issue of having to tell us that it's a gay/lesbian themed story, because we would see it.<br /><br />:)Chelsea Pitcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301150715189103602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-563124881519263052011-12-23T18:24:50.483-05:002011-12-23T18:24:50.483-05:00Author here!
Thanks for all the feedback. And, p...Author here!<br /><br />Thanks for all the feedback. And, proactively, I'd like to thank any future commentators for their future feedback.<br /><br />So the tiger of the title IS the Cap who breaks out John Doe, but he's not actually the other narrator. That would be the tiger's boyfriend, and he helps with the break out. 150 definitely brings a valid concern about why he gets to narrate, and it's because there's another plot running alongside the Kallie/John Doe tango, but the two don't mesh until halfway through TB. I wasn't sure how to handle that in a query, so I just ignored it and hoped Kallie and John Doe would be enough. I'm afraid the query will run long otherwise. I'm not sure what to do about that.<br /><br />As to what's at stake... John Doe ate Kallie's fingers, and I tried to heavily imply that by mentioning he remembers how she tastes. If she loses their final encounter, then he'll finish... well, eating her. Must not have come through, though; I can make that more explicit.<br /><br />About the gay/lesbian angle, should I leave that out? Both narrators are gay, and the side characters run about a 50% chance of an alternative sexuality, so I didn't want to surprise anyone who requested a full (getting ahead of myself here, I know) with all the gay. TB isn't an erotica by any means, and I can take it out of the query if you guys feel no one will care.<br /><br />The first GtP is my favorite, by the way. I almost spit water all over my keyboard.thepopeofbeershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03521786347590273573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90268015842027437482011-12-23T17:11:20.270-05:002011-12-23T17:11:20.270-05:00Writers who overwrite. Those who would confuse &qu...Writers who overwrite. Those who would confuse "voice" with not finishing a frickin' sentence. These are the ones who must remember that a query is a business letter.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-47763338217088271272011-12-23T14:58:20.407-05:002011-12-23T14:58:20.407-05:00I'd go with "superhero novel with LGBT th...I'd go with "superhero novel with LGBT themes", not that the first part necessarily precludes the second.<br /><br />You don't have to go nuts trying to describe that this is a world full of superhumans who sometimes fight crime a/o attempt world domination. It's 2011, we're totally on that ball. "Kallie, an accountant with superhuman strength and a side job fighting evil in spandex" will cover it, and then you can get on to what you DO have to go nuts over, which is, who is doing what to who and why. You've got that John Doe is out of prison and he and Kallie are trying to hunt each other down. How? How do they get in each others' way? What if they fail? And how is the jailbreaker so important to the plot that he gets half the POV scenes?150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55198392981171020122011-12-23T12:43:13.137-05:002011-12-23T12:43:13.137-05:00What EE said.
This is full of puzzlers. For inst...What EE said.<br /><br />This is full of puzzlers. For instance, why are they called Caps? And who all is included in that group? Women with metal fingers, only? They are named for their hats? Is departing from standard English part of your world-building strategy? Maybe that's a club/union all freaky people belong to, the Cap club. I don't know and am not sure I care enough to work on this mystery. Do I really need to learn new vocabulary to read your query? I hope not. Reading on, we encounter more puzzling details and cryptic statements. Finally, you mention it's your first novel and whew! That explains so much. <br /><br />Everything might all be clear in the book, or it might be as puzzling throughout as it is in this query. Don't know. Writing for an audience is not like writing for oneself. Sometimes the text one finds brilliantly original and amusing and perfectly clear does not work for the audience. Sometimes writers groups can help you increase the clarity, sometimes not.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com