tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post8447328591445712888..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Feedback RequestEvil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16450912810667279782018-08-23T21:37:40.834-04:002018-08-23T21:37:40.834-04:00I always turn to Vampire any time i want to. i bec...I always turn to Vampire any time i want to. i become a Vampire because of how people treat me, this world is a wicked world and not fair to any body. at the snack of my finger things are made happened. am now a Powerful Man and no one step on me without an apology goes free. i turn to Human being also at any time i want to. and am one of the most dreaded Man in my country. i become a Vampire through the help of my friend who introduce me into a Vampire Kingdom by given me their email. if you want to become a Powerful Vampire kindly contact the Vampire Kingdom on their Email: Vampirelord7878@gmail.comLord Markhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08802168788305626209noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35357617666265768872018-07-07T11:19:49.855-04:002018-07-07T11:19:49.855-04:00I think Dave Fragments gave a pretty great version...I think Dave Fragments gave a pretty great version there. Not sure what ghettoizing is but I didn't mind too much. So long as the rest is accurate I'd use Davids. Not saying you can't manage to perfect the query - just that it read so well, that if it were me, I'd be snapping that up. Iamanoldvampirechildhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03220350416178077932noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36828324642274848982018-06-22T21:08:00.678-04:002018-06-22T21:08:00.678-04:00Riotous story. The whole gang is here. I can't...Riotous story. The whole gang is here. I can't get over the image of what a secretive monster would look like. What does a secretive monster look like and why would I be afraid? Does it know things about me? Does it know where I live? Otherwise, this is awesome.JSFhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13193415987040527290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90854381228327700632018-06-21T19:21:09.611-04:002018-06-21T19:21:09.611-04:00I have a tendency to read these drafts and say to ...I have a tendency to read these drafts and say to myself -- too many words. I know how terrible that brief sentence sounds. <br /><br />A query is about a person and their story, or a place/organization and its story, <br /><i>"Alexander Hamilton rises above a poor birth in slavery to become first Treasurer of the USA." </i><br />That's a pitch recently used. <br /><br />EE points out too many names and places. I agree. That amount of detail pushes out the story and the plot. How to illustrate that: <br /><i>"Harry Potter discovers that he is a wizard and at his new wizard's school, he confronts the man who killed his parents and left him an orphan."</i> <br />That's plot and story in brief <br /><br />This is where I think that your query should be: <br /><i>I am seeking representation for Hamilton Boggs, a 91,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of writers as diverse as Diana Wynne Jones, Philip Pullman, and Diane Duane.<br /><br />Orphaned 13-year-old Hamilton Boggs comes home to find his grandmother mortally wounded. Dying, She tells him that he is a young wizard and the Yellow King has done this evil deed. Hamilton must go to Westley House in Savannah, Georgia, a neutral city in the war-torn wizarding world.<br /><br />Hamilton obeys and soon learns nothing is safe. Savannah is crawling with spies and mercenaries, looking for a monster. At Westley House, he befriends Daisy, the daughter of a school scion, and Ozzie a young magical genius. They join Hamilton in his search for the monster, intent on avenging the death of his grandmother.<br /><br />Along the way, the trio meets the crooked Mayor Wallace, who is ghettoizing the magic users for the Yellow King who had Hamilton Bogg’s grandmother killed. <br /><br />I am originally from Boulder, Colorado and currently live in Istanbul, Turkey, where I teach and do freelance writing and advertising. I am a member of SCBWI.</i><br /><br />Now I guessed a connection between the Yellow King and the monster so this makes sense. I only included Mayor Wallace because he also connects to the Yellow King. Hamilton's grandmother, the Yellow King, and the Monster have to connect is some way to make the story work. Otherwise, Hamilton is wandering without aim form his grandmother's death to whatever victory he achieves at the end of the story. <br /><br />Please keep in mind, you have a hero, his sidekicks, and a villain. Those characters should be the focus of your story (which I haven't read), and this query isn't going to be able to handle many more characters. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />davefragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12151700370200628940noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84324816126661381152018-06-21T04:07:00.615-04:002018-06-21T04:07:00.615-04:00PS - In Brit slang, bog is a toilet - is that deli...PS - In Brit slang, bog is a toilet - is that deliberate? Might get a few guffaws from your target audience.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69324580587622319942018-06-20T13:15:57.993-04:002018-06-20T13:15:57.993-04:00Even if the MCs don't know what kind of weapon...Even if the MCs don't know what kind of weapon the monster actually has, you might want to tell us what they believe it can do as that would help us understand their motivations and the stakes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68540888754075448292018-06-20T10:41:31.720-04:002018-06-20T10:41:31.720-04:00The first sentence needs to make sense. There is n...The first sentence needs to make sense. There is no clear connection between the destroyed apartment and the dying grandmother and Hamilton's realizations that he is a wizard and there is a price on his head. The price on his head never seems to come up again in the query, so maybe it can go. But we still need to know why home destroyed + grandma dying = young wizard.<br /><br />Why does Hamilton go to the nearest neutral city? I get that he's being pursued and needs somewhere safe to stay. But isn’t their a faction fighting against the Yellow King? Wouldn’t they be better equipped to protect him and give him the opportunity to avenge his grandmother?<br /><br />I actually like the unlikely allies, particularly because they don’t immediately remind me of anything from Harry Potter. But it needs to be clear what kind of help they're providing.<br /><br />InkAndPixelClubhttp://ladiesofcomicazi.comnoreply@blogger.com