tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post8074875579530004792..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 434Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44276659104089004042007-10-10T20:58:00.000-04:002007-10-10T20:58:00.000-04:00I'd also like to see a little more worldbuilding i...I'd also like to see a little more worldbuilding in the query. For example, what's the role of magic in your land? It's mentioned once, in a fairly major way (the memory-wiping spell), and then never again. I suspect it's more organically handled in the novel itself.<BR/><BR/>Just something else to think about during the re-writes.<BR/><BR/>Cheers.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81715726223422321752007-10-10T18:35:00.000-04:002007-10-10T18:35:00.000-04:00Sorry, author, but by the time my eyes hit the 3rd...Sorry, author, but by the time my eyes hit the 3rd or 4th paragraph, they glazed over.<BR/><BR/>"Offered his services..." Graham was a gigolo? ;-)<BR/><BR/>I was completely confused by this query, and I agree with EE that this is way too long. Start with one sentence that sums up your story (I know, easy said than done), then gradually add to that. At least you might be able to get rid of the minor stuff and concentrate on the major stuff.<BR/><BR/>Good luck with it!<BR/><BR/>~jerseygirlNancy Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06214579721075450777noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87617522976338252252007-10-10T17:31:00.000-04:002007-10-10T17:31:00.000-04:00What anonymous 12:07 said.I kept tripping over the...What anonymous 12:07 said.<BR/><BR/>I kept tripping over the unlikely names. The hero is Graham Sullivan--modern sounding, reminds me of that fair housing ad, "Hello, my name is Graham Wellington"--but then come Sarsuto, Nincha, Glendja, Natalia (is her first name Jen?), and someplace called Boulvaria, everything ending in vowels. Maybe you could drop Graham's first name, and lop the 'n' off his last name. Then he'd be Sulliva, which would fit in better with the others.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18503817118702755882007-10-10T17:27:00.000-04:002007-10-10T17:27:00.000-04:00When he invited the blonde beauty to join him at c...When he invited the blonde beauty to join him at camp, I didn't think he intended to marry her. No, that sentence created a completely different impression....nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54255839882826147572007-10-10T15:06:00.000-04:002007-10-10T15:06:00.000-04:0010 sentences? Easy number to remember, not quite ...10 sentences? Easy number to remember, not quite so easy to engineer.<BR/>Best wishesAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24401583647627544662007-10-10T14:35:00.000-04:002007-10-10T14:35:00.000-04:00I knew a barman once, of Irish extraction and prou...I knew a barman once, of Irish extraction and proud of it, who kept himself in an extended stupor for a very extended period of time.<BR/>It happens.<BR/><BR/>Anyway... I like your title author.Robin S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03258459688300851984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-34159032372645302992007-10-10T14:09:00.000-04:002007-10-10T14:09:00.000-04:00Well, technically, you can drink yourself into a s...Well, technically, you <I>can</I> drink yourself into a stupor for an extended period of time if you have a high enough tolerance - say, that of an Irish barman. <BR/><BR/>It's all about building tolerance, man.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18130035192095005202007-10-10T12:07:00.000-04:002007-10-10T12:07:00.000-04:00I'm with EE that this needs a lot of editing. Watc...I'm with EE that this needs a lot of editing. Watch long phrases that mean nothing - "Such a time passes as when he becomes ...". Examine your word choices. Detriment is a low-emotion word. Would you call your mother murdering your fiance a detriment? Be more exact - e.g., you can't drink yourself into a stupor for an extended period of time because as soon as you're in a stupor you stop drinking.<BR/><BR/>It's also not clear that the Queen murdered the fiance. You only say she "had taken with her his fiance". Until I read EE's comments, I thought she'd taken her to some physical place, like a vacation home.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com