tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post7944545901260715648..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 1002Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83516214744901621752013-06-10T16:41:47.995-04:002013-06-10T16:41:47.995-04:00I agree with Anonymous. If you're going to inc...I agree with Anonymous. If you're going to include the speech, it should be mixed with internal dialogue. That way, your reader won't think they're being preached to on the first page. It becomes more about the horror of giving a speech, no matter what the speech is. CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90163039924483683132013-06-06T09:04:47.191-04:002013-06-06T09:04:47.191-04:00Thanks Anon. Good ideas! :)
(capcha words so long...Thanks Anon. Good ideas! :)<br /><br />(capcha words so long I feel like I've stumbled onto the Scripps spelling bee site by mistake...sheesh!)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15290940604233864762013-06-05T16:32:49.637-04:002013-06-05T16:32:49.637-04:00You may want to mix the internal dialogue with the...You may want to mix the internal dialogue with the speech to give the scene more immediacy. For example, here’s a slight re-arrangement of sentences:<br /><br />I unclench my fist and set Grandpa’s gold cross on the podium. My trembling fingers brush it once, twice, three times for luck. God, just, help me get through this. Please.<br /><br />“Tallying the price of freedom takes a pretty complicated equation,” I say.<br /><br />A quiet laugh somewhere in the crowd silences me. There are a few gapers still hoping for my train to slide off the rails, but it’s almost a relief to see that most kids aren’t paying attention at all.<br /><br />I continue. “You might start by adding the number of caskets returning from the frontline to the number of kids with a flag instead of a parent. You might then multiply that by the number of disabled vets and multiply again by those suffering post-traumatic stress disorder.”<br /><br />I flush the bitter aftertaste from my pre-speech panic attack away with a sip of water, regretting my bet with Uncle Sal. . . .Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22833686891068259872013-06-05T14:35:06.512-04:002013-06-05T14:35:06.512-04:00Thanks Dave for catching the double supposing! (/...Thanks Dave for catching the double supposing! (/face palm...)<br /><br />I'm glad it reads clearer. Will work on setting in the 1st paragraph.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89376197410298377172013-06-05T12:37:17.633-04:002013-06-05T12:37:17.633-04:00I think in the first paragraph you have to make it...I think in the first paragraph you have to make it clear she's giving a graduation speech or a school meeting talk or whatever assembly she's speaking at... Not a full sentence just a few words in the right place. <br /><br />I'd also remove the self doubt or "I suppose" because I don't you need it. That sentiment is repeated later and you can cut it out there too. You establish her insecurities without those two self doubts. <br /><br />The money line is the last one. When Kyle says his line I would say "I turn away with Grandpa’s cross in my hand. Kyle can have the prize. I didn’t do this for the money." That's mostly your words and definitely your sentiments. <br /><br />This reads much better than the original version. It's clearer and closer to what is important in the inner dialog she has going.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18217202416002233005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73272542217041667502013-06-05T10:37:21.077-04:002013-06-05T10:37:21.077-04:00The sudden laughter silences me and yanks my gaze ...The sudden laughter silences me and yanks my gaze into the crowd. There are a few gapers still hoping for my train to slide off the rails, I suppose, but it’s almost a relief to see that most kids aren’t paying attention at all. I unclench my fist and set Grandpa’s gold cross on the podium. My trembling fingers brush it once, twice, three times for luck.<br /><br />God, just, help me get through this. Please.<br /><br />I flush the bitter aftertaste from my pre-speech panic attack away with a sip of water, regretting honoring my bet with Uncle Sal. One pill would’ve numbed the pain of my knotted stomach, and the bottle’s just sitting in my purse. Still, fifty bucks is pricey for a valium.<br /><br />Students shift restlessly waiting for me to continue—or give up, I suppose. Their creaking chairs and rumbling voices kick my heartbeat faster. In my search for a friendly face in the horde I catch my sister Meghan waving at me. My lips mirror her wide, warm smile and the tightness in my chest loosens enough for a deep breath.<br /><br />“Tallying the price of freedom takes a pretty complicated equation. You might start by adding the number of caskets returning from the frontline to the number of tears cried by kids with a flag instead of a parent. You might then multiply that by the number of disabled vets and multiply again by those suffering post-traumatic stress disorder. Because the true price of freedom is counted in damaged lives, not dollars spent.”<br /><br />Ending with a hoarse, “Thank you,” I take my seat beside Kyle Connors who leans too close. “Why’d you even bother, Loony? I got this,” he hisses in my ear.<br /><br />Ignoring him, I rub Grandpa’s cross with my thumb. Kyle can have the prize. I didn’t do this for the money.Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-3250488039903189642013-05-11T00:44:18.742-04:002013-05-11T00:44:18.742-04:00It's certainly okay for characters to be polit...It's certainly okay for characters to be political, morose, sarcastic, paranoid, etc... I do feel that putting a political speech at the beginning makes readers think the book will be preachy. Teens, especially, go out of their way to keep from being lectured. Their parents, teachers and pastors all preach at them. If they suspect this is going to be "that kind" of book they'll drop it like a dead marmot.<br /><br />I really feel the book can be better served by starting with something else, but it isn't my book.St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42878073341510043712013-05-10T08:06:23.746-04:002013-05-10T08:06:23.746-04:00I have to disagree with those who want all charact...I have to disagree with those who want all characters to be talking about kittens or something safe all the time. If a character wants to put across a political message, that's perfectly legitimate.<br /><br />Also, "I palm the podium" comes across as some kind of sleight of hand....nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24291231033076220312013-05-09T17:30:28.261-04:002013-05-09T17:30:28.261-04:00I agree with Alaska, political messages should be ...I agree with Alaska, political messages should be left out of fiction.<br /><br />Consider the movie Apocalypse Now (a masterpiece). Is it a political movie? To me, no. It's a very human movie. If you focus on the humanity, it ceases to be about politics. <br /><br />I understand where you're coming from Veronica, it works.<br />CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30217874743315933022013-05-09T10:30:54.207-04:002013-05-09T10:30:54.207-04:00If you want to start with the speech, I would at l...If you want to start with the speech, I would at least recommend not actually giving the speech word-for-word as a big block of dialogue. Right now, that one paragraph makes up about 30 percent of the excerpt. That’s A LOT, considering you say that the actual content of the speech is not all that important. If the focus of the story is really the MC’s inner agony, then keep the reader there. We should experience the speech, not listen to it. Good luck with the re-write. This looks like a cool story.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16499369540173167742013-05-09T09:49:14.156-04:002013-05-09T09:49:14.156-04:00Unchosen continuation:
He pushes a piece of pape...Unchosen continuation:<br /><br /><br />He pushes a piece of paper toward me. I unfold it and focus through my tears to the number penciled across the crease. It's right. It's exactly right. To the cent. Fricking math geeks -- they got no empathy at all.<br /><br />--anon.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36856998101137785002013-05-09T08:54:22.534-04:002013-05-09T08:54:22.534-04:00Thanks Alaska and Cav and all...
This manuscript h...Thanks Alaska and Cav and all...<br />This manuscript has been written for a while. Queried, revised, queried, and now I'm going back to the basic framework with a new-vision instead of a re-vision. <br /><br />I really like the speech as a beginning point. They can be terrifying, and the MC gives this public address, while mastering her own personal demons, in memory of her grandpa who was an Am Legion big wig. This becomes clearer when she pauses after the speech and reflects on whether grandpa would have approved...<br /><br />If anything the "message" of the story is self-respect which I believe comes across in a subtle way through the MCs interactions with her family, boyfriend, and her pursuit of "normal" despite her emotional issues. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61446052714754944672013-05-08T22:28:05.566-04:002013-05-08T22:28:05.566-04:00There is a way to use the speech.
She closes the ...There is a way to use the speech.<br /><br />She closes the speech, and is glad she's done with it because she hated the trite thing that Dad and Uncle Hank 'helped' her write--ie, wrote the whole thing while she sat there with her phone. It'd give some insight into her.<br />khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85036521533135095032013-05-08T16:47:50.732-04:002013-05-08T16:47:50.732-04:00It's a good message though, I would find a way...<i>It's a good message though, I would find a way to include it. </i><br /><br />As Samuel Goldwyn said, if you've got a message, send a telegram.<br /><br />Or else be prepared to find complaints popping up all over goodreads, amazon, the ALA blogs, the various blogs specific to your genre...<br /><br />The audience doesn't want our political views. What they're paying for is entertainment. <br /><br />/all done venting on this topic, at least until it comes up again<br /><br />AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55340110454911795982013-05-08T14:52:49.670-04:002013-05-08T14:52:49.670-04:00(I left a continuation previously, but I think it ...(I left a continuation previously, but I think it was too late, oops.)<br /><br />You've left me a lot of great feedback so here are my thoughts. <br /><br />I agree with everyone about the speech. I skipped over it when I was reading your beginning the first time. It's a good message though, I would find a way to include it. Maybe it doesn't have to be in speech form. <br /><br />It's a good idea to start with the 3rd paragraph. Also, adventures with a secret boyfriend sound fun (does your MC sneak out at night? I used to sneak out when I was a teen. Hehe.)<br /><br />"I open my fist and set it on the podium..." would sound better as "I palm the podium." <br /><br />It seems the rest of my thoughts have been covered in the comments. Good luck:) <br />CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11365965854987848152013-05-08T12:46:53.687-04:002013-05-08T12:46:53.687-04:00Interestingly, the #1 fear of Americans is public ...Interestingly, the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking and the #1 fear of Britons is spiders.<br /><br />Anyway, my deleted comment said that the opening page should focus only on her anxiety, not on anything else that will confuse us as to what the point is. (No acid taste, no Iraq War, etc.) And it should not contain four named characters. It's just too confusing.<br /><br />You don't say where you are in writing this. But if it's any help, I always write my opening scene last, usually after around the fourth or fifth revision.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52310616185780450972013-05-08T11:47:41.532-04:002013-05-08T11:47:41.532-04:00In line with previous comments, I agree that if th...In line with previous comments, I agree that if the story focuses on the MC’s anxiety disorder, then starting with a speech is not the most effective way to introduce that. ALMOST EVERYONE feels anxious giving a speech, so the burning throat, the nausea, etc. sound perfectly normal. Bring those same physical symptoms into an everyday situation, and you get your point across much more effectively.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54622104697998061932013-05-08T11:17:18.130-04:002013-05-08T11:17:18.130-04:00I thought it was reasonably clear this was the end...I thought it was reasonably clear this was the end of the speech, as she thinks, Let me finish, and Garcia nods, giving her permission to continue. Both of these suggest that she already started. Then there's "I end with a hoarse Thank you." Which is pretty much the clincher. Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44223823877928649282013-05-08T09:56:08.657-04:002013-05-08T09:56:08.657-04:00My second comment disappeared, so I'll just ag...My second comment disappeared, so I'll just agree with what AA said.<br /><br />And 150 is right; this speech is way too short for a speech contest. But don't make it longer! Scrap it.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5430419190659807822013-05-08T08:32:43.614-04:002013-05-08T08:32:43.614-04:00Thanks all for the comments!
The numbers thing......Thanks all for the comments! <br />The numbers thing...MC is a math prodigy, numbers are how she makes sense of the world. <br /><br />The speech segment is simply the conclusion, I must make that clearer when I trim.<br /><br />I don't mind revising...it the first page and it's critical to get it 'right', right? <br /><br />MC isn't a fan of war, but she's not supposed to be preachy about it. Will try to soften...<br /><br />Wonderful thoughts, all. :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72625593641287680002013-05-07T22:33:41.894-04:002013-05-07T22:33:41.894-04:00KK – Great continuation.
Veronica – Three minor t...KK – Great continuation.<br /><br />Veronica – Three minor things:<br /><br />1. P4: I’d prefer Meghan first and Mr. Garcia next. The two Meghan sentences emphasize the MC’s fear. Then Garcia signals the start. Also I don’t get “computer watchdog”. Is that debate slang for timekeeper?<br /><br />2. P5: You use “price” three times. Could be stronger if you use “cost” the second time. Then kill the last sentence “See ... established.”<br /><br />3. P5: You use “number of” three times. Can them all. The problem with “number” is that people abstract the damage; they think, well, numbers. For example:<br /><br />In the battle of Shiloh, 112,000 fought for two days resulting in 3482 killed, 16420 wounded, and 3844 captured and missing. – Okay, sounds bad.<br /><br />Grant said that, after the battle, you could walk end to end across the field in any direction stepping on bodies and never set foot on the ground.<br /><br />So, which yields the strongest image? You totaling the numbers or you stepping on dead and wounded bodies for three miles in every direction.<br />Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26509689093719149612013-05-07T22:20:06.630-04:002013-05-07T22:20:06.630-04:00Fun fact: I won thousands of dollars making patrio...Fun fact: I won thousands of dollars making patriotic speeches back in high school, although it was for the VFW.<br /><br />I timed this at thirty seconds. Is it supposed to be just the opening paragraph, or the whole thing? The message is muddled: the last line makes the sacrifice sound justified, but the sarcastic "shiny" undermines it, for example.<br /><br />If the story doesn't revisit the politics, why must we hear any part of the speech explicitly? Those things can be rough to sit through.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83609051535533676132013-05-07T21:50:38.300-04:002013-05-07T21:50:38.300-04:00The problems:
The opening of your book contains ...The problems: <br />The opening of your book contains a speech, and<br />The speech seems moralistic and preachy and is scaring your readers away.<br /><br />You say you can't stop revising it. That's a good indication you need to scrap the whole thing. Start in the ice cream parlor her father takes her to after she loses. Or the schoolground fight she and Kyle get into afterward. Whatever.<br /><br />Kids' school speeches are excruciating. They're civic-minded things adults think up for them to do. No child I know of cares much whether or not they do well at them, unless there is a cash prize involved. They certainly aren't entertainment. St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77332129105884976422013-05-07T20:47:30.178-04:002013-05-07T20:47:30.178-04:00Begin as you mean to go on. If you're not bang...Begin as you mean to go on. If you're not banging the anti-war drum (and really, the whole freedom-is-not-free schtick sounds more like the pro-war drum) then don't bang it, or any other political drum, because the opening is where we're forming our impressions and deciding whether to read on.<br /><br />Your focus for this scene is:<br />Anxiety.<br />Again.<br />Why does this always happen to her?<br />The other kids don't have this problem.<br />Why her?<br />Will the valium help? <i>(optional-- we really just need to know about the anxiety at this point)</i><br />How do the other kids *do* it?<br />Etc.<br /><br />You can do all that without giving us her actual speech at all. Focus on her terror.<br /><br />Right now, with the mysterious acidic taste, the anti-pro-war speech, the teacher with the itchy Iraq memento, creepy Uncle Sal, and creepy Kyle, you're giving us too many things to focus on. We don't know what's important.<br /><br />It's okay if Uncle Sal, Mr. Garcia, and the Iraq war have a role to play later on in the story, but it sounds like they don't belong in the beginning. Really, four characters (counting the absent uncle) is a lot to plop onto page one. One or two is a lot easier on reader and writer alike.<br /><br />Btw, I'm reminded of a memorable middle school speech contest... All the kiddies, bless their prepubescent hearts, gave speeches on Abortion. (They were all agin it.)<br /><br />Except there was this one 6th grade boy who stepped up to the podium and spoke deeply and meaningfully on how Alaska could best promote domestic canned salmon consumption. <br /><br />As you can imagine, he won hands down.<br />AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4325703841524054002013-05-07T18:23:45.664-04:002013-05-07T18:23:45.664-04:00Thanks Dave for your comments.
It's not easy ...Thanks Dave for your comments. <br />It's not easy to start...and it's becoming impossible to stop revising.<br /><br />The opening scene is of two top (rival) students vying for a the American Legion speech prize at their school--hence the patriotic theme to the speech. We don't revisit politics much in the manuscript so I'm not banging the anti-war drum.<br /><br /><br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.com