tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post7587075143243614583..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 934Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17843609369114472942011-07-27T14:26:03.330-04:002011-07-27T14:26:03.330-04:00I agree with Dave. Own your cat-people. Explanat...I agree with Dave. Own your cat-people. Explanations to fantasy/scifi agents won't be needed. They know the genre. Cat-people aren't farfetched. <br /><br />Anywho, your query needs a voice. Right now it's so far removed from the story it just comes across bland and much too explanative (or explanatory? -- Are those the same word?--). <br /><br />Buffy and Dave have given good examples of how the query should show us the protags, the stakes against him, the basic setup of the plot. Go in that vein.Xiexiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265895952183646895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45491749581261767902011-07-27T04:55:04.759-04:002011-07-27T04:55:04.759-04:00After reading this I have no desire to go and read...After reading this I have no desire to go and read the novel. It's just... not interesting, and appears worryingly devoid of, well, a real plot.<br /><br />Now, perhaps the novel is pure genius and if put into production would over sell the bible in a week, I don't know. But if it is than this query is not selling it.<br /><br />Characters, motivation, plot and a lot less 'world building'. Honestly, if we don't care about the characters and what they are doing then why are we going to care about their cat or not cat-ness.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-46094897097173366052011-07-26T21:28:07.170-04:002011-07-26T21:28:07.170-04:00Kill most of paragraph 1. The various abilities of...Kill most of paragraph 1. The various abilities of the two species never come into play your query, so you don't need to mention them. Start with Max. Max wants to be a Protector like his father was. He's also friends, or maybe more than friends, with a Lacarna girl. Humans and Lacarna don't get along, so the friendship doesn't make life easy for either of them. Maybe Max believes that as a Protector, he'll be able to help the two races understand each other and ensure safety and justice for everyone. That's your starting point: Max and what he wants.<br /><br />Like EE said, the order of events doesn't make sense. Max seems to uncover two possibly unrelated plots, he joins the Protectors even after he learns that they're enslaving or going to enslave the Lacarna, and the sentence about Max and Eve confronting ideals and rules feels out of place. Tell it so your readers can see how each event leads to the next.<br /><br />Is the middle part of the book just Max meeting a lot of different people and talking to them about history?<br /><br />Since this is a query, you probably want to leave out Max defeating the Protector leaders. Instead, lay out some reasons why Max might not choose to help the Lacarna and hint at what he's up against and how he might be able to win if he does help them. Right now, Max has tons of reasons to take down the Protectors - they're corrupt and evil, they're enslaving a race that includes his friend/potential girlfriend, his father was trying to overhtrow them, but no clear reason not to. If helping the Lacarna is a hard task or a hard decision for Max, tell us why. I also don't have a clue how Max overthrows the Protectors. You don't need to tell us exactly how he does it, but you do want to point out some assets he has that might help him to do it.<br /><br />I have no idea what the mysterious woman is doing in this story. It seems like she just shows up to give the heroes a pat on the back for doing the right thing and grant them a reward which doesn't really mean anything to me. Why is it important that hey gain access to the rest of the planet, especially when I didn't know they were confined in the first place? Leave her out of the query.Ink and Pixel Clubhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00023898860226517591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85610877703262641452011-07-26T16:33:48.444-04:002011-07-26T16:33:48.444-04:00=Both races can learn to manipulate the spirits th...=Both races can learn to manipulate the spirits that exist in all living things [and are fascinated by yarn, while neither race has an interest in horticulture or Creole cooking]=<br /><br />EE, you caused me to spew Diet Pepsi all over my keyboard! Author: this may be a fine book, because it all depends on the writing, but at the moment it sounds like a Mess. And why is a cat-girl named "Evangeline"? Is it set in the Forest Primeval?<br /><br />Go ahead, call her C'Mell - you know you want to!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2771739384468577572011-07-26T15:59:53.945-04:002011-07-26T15:59:53.945-04:00I can't help but wonder if the Lacarna were en...I can't help but wonder if the Lacarna were enslaved by a few well-placed bags of catnip. Or is that what you bring on a first date? <br /><br />Dave is right: Call them cat people. Don't pussyfoot around.Khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10020239597530801642011-07-26T14:20:57.744-04:002011-07-26T14:20:57.744-04:00I wish writers wouldn't be afraid of the stori...I wish writers wouldn't be afraid of the stories they write. This is a world of cat people, say it and let it be at that. I write stories with anthropomorphic characters in them all the time and I never apologize for the anthromorph. There's usually a reason for the anthromorph, like a deer hunter getting zapped into being a deer anthromorph and being the hunted. ANd when I sell that story to an editor, I treat the characters as perfectly normal. <br /><br /><i>Maxwell, a 16 y/o orphan and member of the Protector class on Velrune, falls in love with Eve, a feline humanoid native of the enclave. Together, they discover a plot by the Protector Class to keep the natives enslaved. </i><br /><br />That's rather a passionless start of a sales pitch but it's a short start.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18217202416002233005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37380702860101022502011-07-26T12:49:10.265-04:002011-07-26T12:49:10.265-04:00The Avatar similarity hit me square between the ey...The Avatar similarity hit me square between the eyes, too, at this line: <i>Both races can learn to manipulate the spirits that exist in all living things.</i> <br /><br />Author, you need to learn the fine art of writing like a writer, but not too much like a writer. Your query sounds like a not-very-good communicator talking about this weird book they just read. "So the other guys are sort of human except they have tails and claws, and they're kind of sexy, because the good guy falls in love with one of them. And he's trying to join the police force, except it turns out the police actually kill the other guys. But then in the very end, this other lady comes along who made ALL of them -- yeah, she's like a god -- and she says it was a big test to see if they could get along, and now that they can she tears down this big mountain that was keeping them from the rest of the world. But you never get to see the rest of the world, it just ends there."<br /><br />I suggest you read some professional book reviews and movie reviews to get an idea of the style you're going for. Something easy yet polished.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35817498087023100672011-07-26T11:55:54.212-04:002011-07-26T11:55:54.212-04:00Wait, how long have they been living in this small...Wait, how long have they been living in this small area of the world? Woulnd't people have noticed they can't seem to access the rest of the world?<br /><br />Why does he join the Protectors even after he finds out they're jerks?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24472481610930591792011-07-26T11:43:06.290-04:002011-07-26T11:43:06.290-04:00I hope the novel doesn't have problems similar...I hope the novel doesn't have problems similar to those in the query. As this stands, you're going to have a hard time getting anyone to ask for pages. There's just too many mistakes.<br /><br />Who is the protagonist? What's their goal? What obstacles do they face? What's at stake?<br /><br />Sixteen-year-old Max sets out with his Lacarna friend Evangeline to join the Protectors, an organisation entrusted with keeping the peace on their home planet of Verlune. On the way, he learns that the Protectors plan to enslave the Lacarna, a humanlike race with feline traits.<br /><br />That kinda thing.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13590647963153411402011-07-26T11:00:18.156-04:002011-07-26T11:00:18.156-04:00This is a synopsis rather than a query. The writin...This is a synopsis rather than a query. The writing is awkward in places, and the voice is too distant for us to really feel anything about the characters.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.com