tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post7290789541688642500..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 500!!Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82492228596479776872008-03-13T21:19:00.000-04:002008-03-13T21:19:00.000-04:00This last draft is much better. The mother revelat...This last draft is much better. The mother revelation has some nice punch.E.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32972282549043244062008-03-13T08:57:00.000-04:002008-03-13T08:57:00.000-04:00Consider it done.Thanks again everyone. Feels like...Consider it done.<BR/><BR/>Thanks again everyone. Feels like it's come a long way.Matt Larkinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08459553223062636770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7551308029147266202008-03-13T08:44:00.000-04:002008-03-13T08:44:00.000-04:00The last sentence is boring, and you've already sa...The last sentence is boring, and you've already said he'll go to any lengths. The mother is the bombshell. I'd end something like:<BR/><BR/>Only then does he learn of the Circle, a secret organization maneuvering the noble houses toward war. When he finds the Circle has an oracle of their own, he realizes they’ve manipulated him all along, and resolves to destroy them. But will his conviction waver when he discovers that the Circle’s oracle . . . is his mother?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43871619182936841202008-03-13T07:48:00.000-04:002008-03-13T07:48:00.000-04:00Thanks EE.Second paragraph with those changes made...Thanks EE.<BR/><BR/>Second paragraph with those changes made:<BR/><BR/>Wracked with depression, he wanders the empire, eventually finding employment with an imperial nobleman who wants to use Rudra’s oracular abilities to defeat a rival noble house. His visions warn him that the murder of a noblewoman will spark that civil war within the empire, but his attempt to save her thrusts her into her killer’s arms. Only then does he learn of the Circle, a secret organization manipulating the noble houses towards war. He resolves to go to any lengths to destroy this organization--but when he finds they have an oracle of their own, he realizes they’ve manipulated him all along. Worse, the Circle’s oracle is Rudra own mother. After losing those around him, Rudra makes a last desperate attempt to use his prescience to overcome the superior resources of the Circle.Matt Larkinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08459553223062636770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15133007397226424582008-03-12T21:01:00.000-04:002008-03-12T21:01:00.000-04:00Only then does he learn of the Circle, a secret or...Only then does he learn of the Circle, a secret organization manipulating the war. <BR/><BR/>But the war doesn't start until the woman is killed, so how much manipulation can have gone on at this point?<BR/><BR/>Is the Circle's oracle Rudra's mother? If so, that should be mentioned.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-74392247384427257912008-03-12T20:51:00.000-04:002008-03-12T20:51:00.000-04:00The further revised letter (minus credits, word co...The further revised letter (minus credits, word count, etc.).<BR/><BR/>Thanks to Sarah for the pointers on wording it. Very helpful.<BR/><BR/><BR/>Query:<BR/><BR/>After failing to protect his homeland from an invading empire, Rudra, a young oracle, finds himself conscripted to the very army that conquered his people. All he really wants is to understand his prescient visions, until a vision reveals his betrothed executed by a Church Inquisitor. He deserts the army to save her, but despite all his efforts, the future refuses to change.<BR/><BR/>Wracked with depression, he wanders the empire, eventually finding employment with an imperial nobleman who wants to use Rudra’s oracular abilities to defeat a rival noble house. His visions warn him that the murder of a noblewoman will spark that civil war within the empire, but his attempt to save her thrusts her into her killer’s arms. Only then does he learn of the Circle, a secret organization manipulating the war. He resolves to go to any lengths to destroy this organization--but when he finds they have an oracle of their own, he realizes they’ve manipulated him all along. After losing those around him, Rudra makes a last desperate attempt to use his prescience to overcome the superior resources of the Circle.<BR/><BR/><BR/>Better?Matt Larkinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08459553223062636770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61503995545231852912008-03-12T11:43:00.000-04:002008-03-12T11:43:00.000-04:00Not sure if this will help, but...After failing to...Not sure if this will help, but...<BR/><BR/><BR/>After failing to protect his homeland from an invading empire, Rudra, a young oracle, finds himself conscripted to the very army that conquered his people. Without a mentor, he struggles to understand his prescient visions. When one of those visions reveals his betrothed executed by a Church Inquisitor, he deserts the army to save her. Despite all his efforts, the future refuses to change.<BR/><BR/>Wracked with depression, he wanders the empire, eventually finding employment with an imperial nobleman who wants to use Rudra’s oracular abilities to defeat a rival noble house. The visions tell Rudra that the murder of a noblewoman will spark that war, but his attempt to save her thrusts her into her killer’s arms.<BR/><BR/>During this time, Rudra becomes aware of the Circle, a secret organization manipulating the war. He resolves to go to any lengths to destroy the Circle--but when he finds they have an oracle of their own, he realizes they’ve been manipulating him all along. [hook about the fight between Rudra and the Circle].Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-19101291796428150722008-03-12T09:08:00.000-04:002008-03-12T09:08:00.000-04:00Thanks EE. I like that first sentence much better....Thanks EE. I like that first sentence much better.<BR/><BR/>Is Rudra anti-heroic?<BR/>I'd say more so because he's violent than a failure. He usually can't change the future, but maybe I can spruce up the query to mention he is good at his job for Agloval.<BR/><BR/>"what does "the tides grant him" mean?"<BR/>I took that sentence out after EE's revision. Thanks for pointing out the confusion.<BR/><BR/>"You're just rattling off events and names without giving us a reason to care, or an emotional stake."<BR/><BR/>Any suggestions?<BR/><BR/>"Agloval's appearance is sudden.<BR/><BR/>When does Rudra find out about the Circle's manipulation? I think that's when he tries to manipulate the fate of a noblewoman that he discovers their handwork. Before that, he doesn't know if they have reformed but when she dies, he knows for sure.<BR/>I think that you have to get that point across in the query. That sets up the climax to your story - Rudra's confrontation with the Circle of (forgive me) fortune tellers, seers, soothsayers and Cassandra wannabes."<BR/>I will have to think about how to revise the second paragraph to address these concerns. I don't have an answer off the top of my head. Your clarification about how he uncovers the Circle is more or less correct (though because I dropped the intro paragraph from the original, I decided not to go into the Circle being a reformed ancient organization or any of that).<BR/><BR/>Do you believe I can introduce Agloval just as an imperial nobleman (i.e. not named, just "Rudra finds employment in an imperial noble house")?Matt Larkinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08459553223062636770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30292782029693377032008-03-12T01:35:00.000-04:002008-03-12T01:35:00.000-04:00The guy seems to fail at everything he attempts. ...The guy seems to fail at everything he attempts. Doesn't make me want to read about him. Is this antiheroic fantasy?talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59116390156257397762008-03-11T23:21:00.000-04:002008-03-11T23:21:00.000-04:00That first sentence is a turnoff. After failing to...That first sentence is a turnoff. <BR/><BR/>After failing to protect his homeland from an invading empire, Rudra, a young oracle, finds himself conscripted to the very army that conquered his people. <BR/><BR/>sounds less high-fallutin'Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-47179694723914871012008-03-11T23:12:00.000-04:002008-03-11T23:12:00.000-04:00This new draft is much clearer. Still seems a bit ...This new draft is much clearer. Still seems a bit more like a plot synopsis than a hook, though. You're just rattling off events and names without giving us a reason to care, or an emotional stake. <BR/><BR/>what does "the tides grant him" mean?E.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6915600205378402582008-03-11T20:51:00.000-04:002008-03-11T20:51:00.000-04:00Agloval's appearance is sudden. When does Rudra fi...Agloval's appearance is sudden. <BR/><BR/>When does Rudra find out about the Circle's manipulation? I think that's when he tries to manipulate the fate of a noblewoman that he discovers their handwork. Before that, he doesn't know if they have reformed but when she dies, he knows for sure. <BR/>I think that you have to get that point across in the query. That sets up the climax to your story - Rudra's confrontation with the Circle of (forgive me) fortune tellers, seers, soothsayers and Cassandra wannabes.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80048065593969728532008-03-11T19:58:00.000-04:002008-03-11T19:58:00.000-04:00The revision is a damn sight better. I'm not the o...The revision is a damn sight better. I'm not the one to be giving query advice, so hopefully some others will drop back by, but this is much improved from the first draft. Likely it can be tightened even more, but I'm too tired to help. Good job, though.Wonderwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13118126631519254865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52496593374996711742008-03-11T15:43:00.000-04:002008-03-11T15:43:00.000-04:00I have to admit, I miss the blue comments. They we...I have to admit, I miss the blue comments. They were hilarious and my main reason for visiting your blog.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50487106050637100142008-03-11T15:05:00.000-04:002008-03-11T15:05:00.000-04:00A revised query:Dear Agent,Though a burgeoning ora...A revised query:<BR/><BR/>Dear Agent,<BR/><BR/>Though a burgeoning oracle, Rudra fails to protect his homeland from an invading theocracy. He finds himself conscripted to the very army that conquered his people, but all he really wants is to understand the prescient visions the tides grant him. But when a vision reveals his betrothed executed by a Church Inquisitor he deserts the army to save her. Despite all his efforts, the future refuses to change.<BR/><BR/>Wracked with depression, he wanders the empire, eventually finding employment with Agloval, an imperial nobleman who gives his life renewed purpose. Agloval wants to use Rudra’s oracular abilities to defeat a rival noble house, while Rudra is more concerned with the Circle, a secret organization manipulating the coming war. His visions tell him that the murder of a noblewoman will spark that war, but his attempt to save her thrusts her into her killer’s arms. Rudra resolves to go to any lengths to destroy the Circle--but when he finds they have an oracle of their own, he realizes they’ve manipulated him all along.<BR/><BR/>I am seeking representation for my fantasy novel Time and Tide, complete at 122,000 words, the first book in a series. I have a forthcoming short story in this setting accepted by The Harrow. I have seen on your website that you represent fantasy. I would like to send you a complete copy of the manuscript. Thank you for your time.<BR/><BR/>Sincerely,<BR/>Me<BR/><BR/><BR/>I've tried to take everyone's advice and keep the query simple and focused. I appreciate any further advice.Matt Larkinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08459553223062636770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87696541997065230492008-03-11T08:48:00.000-04:002008-03-11T08:48:00.000-04:00Hey, that works. A little imagination and I'm righ...Hey, that works. A little imagination and I'm right back in my comfort zone. Phew.<BR/><BR/>But, man, those Evil Eye things were funny. Don't stop doing that, whatever you do.rilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06988777482435230194noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10540672126168850112008-03-11T08:42:00.000-04:002008-03-11T08:42:00.000-04:00Man, try to do something different and amusing and...Man, try to do something different and amusing and special one time out of 500 and people complain. For those who miss the blue words, Take the "Uh oh, he's losing me..." comment in the key and insert it in the first paragraph and imagine that it's blue. Now take the first comment in the Notes and insert it in the second paragraph at the obvious place. And imagine that it's blue. That should be enough to get you through to #501.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40902741650037884212008-03-11T03:04:00.000-04:002008-03-11T03:04:00.000-04:00Congratulations for the 500th query!! LOL at EE's ...Congratulations for the 500th query!! <BR/><BR/><BR/>LOL at EE's faces!! But I was a little concerned that you were sleeping during Christi Brinkley. I think at least with that one, something should be shooting from your eyes.<BR/><BR/>I don't have anything to add about the query, except that it reads like a synopsis, so perhaps you can save it for that purpose? But even for a synopsis, there are too many names.<BR/><BR/>Good luck, author!Chris Eldinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11794946908789120139noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50310956220496778352008-03-11T01:48:00.000-04:002008-03-11T01:48:00.000-04:00I want the comments back!!!! They gave me somethin...I want the comments back!!!! They gave me something to live for. Pweeeez.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59043641982025171612008-03-11T00:54:00.000-04:002008-03-11T00:54:00.000-04:00500. Wow. Did you ever think?Well, we did go throu...<I>500. Wow. Did you ever think?</I><BR/><BR/>Well, we did go through all the hoopla once before, didn't we? :o)<BR/><BR/>Congrats, EE! That's a lot of brain cells being exercised.<BR/><BR/>Although I must say you're made of sterner stuff than this gal if you made it to nearly the end of the query before your eyes glazed over completely.<BR/><BR/>Sorry, Mal. I was gone before the end of the first 'graph. But it sounds like you have a good grasp now of how to focus this puppy, so I won't waste any more of my brain cells over this version. I eagerly await your revision.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58670987499630650342008-03-10T22:58:00.000-04:002008-03-10T22:58:00.000-04:00Congratulations on the 500 Query milestone, sir. W...Congratulations on the 500 Query milestone, sir. Well done - your stamina surely lives up to the rumours.<BR/><BR/>Now, I hope we don't have to start a "Bring Back the Blue Text" campaign...rilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06988777482435230194noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69947894028655933322008-03-10T22:17:00.000-04:002008-03-10T22:17:00.000-04:00I like the comments better, for the purposes of th...I like the comments better, for the purposes of this blog.<BR/><BR/>Although if I were an agent, I could see how the eye thing would be a time saver.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27627889491113708212008-03-10T22:16:00.000-04:002008-03-10T22:16:00.000-04:00I can't even comment on the query because I am fai...I can't even comment on the query because I am faint from laughing at the evil eyes! Congrats on 500 Mr. Evil Eye!Ello - Ellen Ohhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18311917335471167591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5528372066303711042008-03-10T21:25:00.000-04:002008-03-10T21:25:00.000-04:00The primary allusion is to Rowan and Martin's Laug...The primary allusion is to Rowan and Martin's <B>Laugh-In:</B><BR/><BR/>The Flying Fickle Finger of Fate award, saluting actual dubious achievements by the government or famous people.talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29359792058618765572008-03-10T21:22:00.000-04:002008-03-10T21:22:00.000-04:00Think Rowan and Martin's Laugh In. The Sock-It-To-...Think Rowan and Martin's Laugh In. The Sock-It-To-Me gang who awarded the The Flying Fickle Finger of Fate award, to actual dubious achievements by the government or famous people. Laugh-In has a couple dozen catch phrases including FFoFate, Pigmeat Markham's "Here Come De Judge" and others. Ruth Buzzi, Ernestine's: One Ringy Dingy, Edith Ann, <BR/><BR/>The only current item equally as outrageous is the Noodly Finger of the Flying Spaghetti Monster who sells T-Shirts saying "I have been touched by his Noodly Presence." I'd put a link but I've already been struck by lightnin' once today for religion jokes. <BR/><BR/>You bet your sweet bippy! 8-)Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.com