tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6878066672099510835..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 721Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83644468345603549682010-02-20T19:23:58.650-05:002010-02-20T19:23:58.650-05:00"We had to say what the story was about in on...<i>"We had to say what the story was about in one sentence."</i><br /><br />That's a logline, and it's often a great place to start focusing your query (or your novel). Here's a page with <a href="http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/04/log-line-pitches-or-how-to-tweet-your.html" rel="nofollow">some good tips</a>.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36977377046116731432010-02-20T17:56:18.681-05:002010-02-20T17:56:18.681-05:00My teacher had this terrible assignment every time...My teacher had this terrible assignment every time we wrote a short story for him. We had to say what the story was about in one sentence. Often times, if we couldn't, there was something amiss with the plot. <br /><br />I recommend trying that exercise on your novel. It helped me with mine a lot. <br /><br />Good luck!Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17241382049837882466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75306385102265811622010-01-26T09:53:59.999-05:002010-01-26T09:53:59.999-05:00Thanks batgirl I will consider that. I think I nee...Thanks batgirl I will consider that. I think I need a break from query writing, it angers me. LOLSL Ross / Sabrina Rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15098371458934558237noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17141160135493332402010-01-23T21:05:26.560-05:002010-01-23T21:05:26.560-05:00Sarah, that was damn good! (word ver is sping - my...Sarah, that was damn good! (word ver is sping - my heart goes sping to read that synopsis)<br /><br />Sabrina, see how much of Sarah's you can use - remember, it's okay to leave out big chunks of sub-plot and even of main plot. You're just following Sarah and the most important things she does. <br />A thought - you say you could write a synopsis in point form. Well, why not post that, and let the minions see what they can do to help you turn it into narrative?batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41218509881533548532010-01-23T11:31:50.470-05:002010-01-23T11:31:50.470-05:00WOW, okay the query is under 300 words as of what ...WOW, okay the query is under 300 words as of what i posted its 235 exactly. and yes I take more care in writing my novel than I do my comments or blog entries. however I do look for spelling errors and such cause there is nothing worse than trying to read something and it is riddled with spelling errors. With my blog I am not trying to win an award so if its not perfect I dont let it upset me. the blog isn't what I am trying to publish. my novel is what I nit pick constantly and change. and work on.<br /><br />BATGIRL -> the thing is, the book is in two parts and the first part is everything that I put in the recent query... Erick doesn't show up till the second part of the book and people have said to me ->who cares if its in two parts just say what its about, so if I put the query in for both parts the query ends up being over 300 words, well more like 700 words to explain all that happenes. so I am quering the first part and stating that it is in two parts.<br /><br />Sarah is the MC, Chase is the one she chooses and it is clear in the book who she chooses. Jeff is her ex and he tries to complicate things for her. first book is about her becoming aware of her special abilities and the supernatural world around her. PLus in the meantime does what she can to find answers as to where her parents are. which she doesnt till the end of part two. and dont forget all the attempts at her life. <br /><br />If I could write a query in point form it would probably be clearer and shorter. lol <br />I have one agent reading my manuscriptright now. she recieved a completly different query than the two I posted. I am very nervous but I still plan to polish my query in case she says no. or says exactly what ya'll are saying. I have had several read my story and didnt point out as many errors as my query and some were from a crit group who were english majors and found minor errors which was nice to hear. and yes I have a habit of telling rather than showing. that is one thing they pick out and what is great about the crit groups I am in, is they highlight the mistake area so I can work with it. <br />so I am looking to make my work better, I dont think it is perfect and that is why I am in crit groups. I love to write and my goal is to share it with everyone else.<br /><br />thanks to all. :)SL Ross / Sabrina Rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15098371458934558237noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26011131147012746242010-01-22T19:37:54.119-05:002010-01-22T19:37:54.119-05:00This isn't directly about the query, Sabrina, ...This isn't directly about the query, Sabrina, but it's in the interest of helping you become a better writer. I read the novel excerpt on your blog, and I see a big disparity between your comments/posts/query drafts and that excerpt. Namely, the excerpt has few (or no) errors, while the former are riddled with them.<br /><br />Now I realize that the excerpt has been edited repeatedly, probably with help from multiple people. But even so, the message coming across -- on your blog, in your comments, and in your query -- is that you don't care about writing well.<br /><br />Now, I believe you do care, as evidenced by the near-perfect excerpt. But I think you would do yourself a great service by putting that much care into <i>everything</i> you write, even blog posts and comments that "don't matter."<br /><br />Compare your comments to all the other comments here. The other comments aren't perfect, but there is a huge difference (in terms of spelling/grammar errors) between your comments and the others. I'm really, really not trying to put you down or make fun of you or anything like that. I really want to help you. Choose to care about everything you write, and it will show in the stuff that matters.<br /><br />If I'm coming across as an arrogant jerk (a risk I'm taking, I know), please forgive me. That's not my intent. I just want to help a fellow writer. It's the only reason I come here.<br /><br />Well, that and Evil Editor makes me laugh.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17325688014623145992010-01-22T13:49:27.569-05:002010-01-22T13:49:27.569-05:00Writing the query is damn hard. I agree. Sometimes...Writing the query is damn hard. I agree. Sometimes it does seem to be harder than the book. The trick is to start simplifying. First, try taking out all of the other characters and just bring it down to Sarah. You don't have to include everyone in the query and it just makes it too hard to do.<br /><br />Here's a 152 word example. It includes some of the other characters, but the main focus is on Sarah.<br /><br /><br />In Sarah’s dreams, her parents die. When she cannot reach them, she travels to their island home and discovers they have vanished. This is not the first time her dreams have come true, but this is one vision she doesn’t want to believe. She reports their disappearance to the very attractive deputy, who also happens to be a vampire. The longer Sarah remains on the island, the more she realizes it’s overrun with werewolves, vampires and other assorted immortals.<br /><br />Working with the local high priestess, Sarah tries to piece together what happened to her parents. Solving this mystery puts her in constant danger, especially from one vampire, Zadkiel, who loves to stalk her. The deputy is dealing with legal problems of his own. The high priestess is murdered by werewolves. And now Zadkiel’s requested her attendance at his masquerade ball. Sarah’s left with no choice but to play his game or die.<br /><br /><br />I don't know how true this is to your story and it's choppy and still needs work, but maybe this can help you to focus your query down to the simplest version.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44397448206346616192010-01-22T12:55:07.934-05:002010-01-22T12:55:07.934-05:00I agree with everything batgirl said. I'm not ...I agree with everything batgirl said. I'm not sure if the problem is just with the query or with the story itself, but Sarah comes across as very passive. The whole plot looks like things just happening to her: a vampire following her, Erick saving her from every danger, an invitation to a masquerade. What does she actually DO?<br /><br />You should be able to fill in the blanks: Sarah wants/needs A, so to get it, she does B. This causes C consequence, so she tries to fix it/overcome it by doing D. Now she'll get X if she succeeds, Y if she fails, and has Z standing in her way.Elliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10592356672960746162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79093107319674577942010-01-22T11:34:59.642-05:002010-01-22T11:34:59.642-05:00well this is better, based on the fact that it'...well this is better, based on the fact that it's shorter, but it still needs a lot of work.<br /><br />One thing you need to work on is your showing verses telling.<br />Don't tell us her life has gotten hectic, show us how it's gotten hectic.<br />There is so much you can cut, just based on your telling - you write "Sarah’s parents live on an island called, Coffman’s Isle. What she doesn’t know, is that it is full of immortals." this is pure telling. You could probably cut these this completely. Starting the Query about how Sarah has visions of unknown people and places is actually a pretty good hook (though I have no idea how this fits into the plot of the book...)<br /><br />And who is Erik? He's not even in this new Query - I'm so confused.<br /><br />It sounds to me like there's 1-2 storyline conflicts, the MC has to find her parents, the MC has to find who is trying to kill her.<br />Focus on one of these and build the query around it.<br /><br />you wrote "I know you cant 100% judge the novel on a query, just like you cant judge a worker bye their lousy resume skills" but the problem with this statement is, the Query letter is not just showing the agent what the book is about, it's also showing the agent what your writing is like. As a writer you will, and should, be judged on the Query.<br /><br />I think you should scrap the whole thing and build a new query based on the character's motivation and the story conflict.<br />Aim for under 300 words, anything else is too long.Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16609207165945865472010-01-22T10:23:33.809-05:002010-01-22T10:23:33.809-05:00Sabrina, it's okay to give away the plot in a ...Sabrina, it's okay to give away the plot in a query letter. Agents and editors want some proof that your story HAS a plot and an ending. <br /><br />So you want to provide the _main_ plotline and an idea how it ties up. Who is your main character - Sarah? What does Sarah want? What does she _do_ in the story?<br />Or is the story about the twins and Sarah's adventures are backstory?batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88578324709527240852010-01-22T07:51:00.515-05:002010-01-22T07:51:00.515-05:00Immortal Island - Part One
okay so here is one t...Immortal Island - Part One<br /><br /> okay so here is one that is 235 words. it is just about part one which is what someone else where suggested.<br /><br />~Sarah’s parents live on an island called, Coffman’s Isle. What she doesn’t know, is that it is full of immortals. Sarah has visions of people and places she has never seen before. Her best friend Jeff; is also her college roommate and ex-boyfriend, who doesn’t hide the fact that he still loves her. Sarah’s parents are missing, so she goes to the Coffman’s isle police department to report it. That’s where she runs into the mysterious deputy named Chase. They have an instant attraction, but he appears to be secretive. Things become very hectic and Sarah’s life is in constant peril. There is a man in black named Zadkiel, who appears out of nowhere whenever she is alone. Chase tells her that Zadkiel is a vampire which he knows because he is one also. Chase is summoned to the council for breaking the law, leaving Sarah to fend for herself. She meets a high priestess, who is murdered by a pack of werewolves before they are able to piece everything together. With every turn there is a life or death situation, which forces Sarah to face the man who wants her dead. Sarah is at the end of her rope and the police cannot find her parents. Chase hasn’t returned from the council and now Zadkiel has requested her attendance to his masquerade, where she has no choice but to play his game or die. ~<br /><br /><br />end of part one. ~<- inbetween these is all i send to agent.->~<br />pls feel free to comment this one<br />SabrinaSL Ross / Sabrina Rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15098371458934558237noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-12236664081939485052010-01-22T03:59:29.797-05:002010-01-22T03:59:29.797-05:00Judging from your query, and the comment you left,...Judging from your query, and the comment you left, Sabrina, grammar is a problem.<br />If you could only work at it, you'll see for yourself how to clear up this mess.Tanvihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17109632458308210604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56026972826214000592010-01-22T01:33:32.788-05:002010-01-22T01:33:32.788-05:00Half vampire and half angel? How does that work, ...Half vampire and half angel? How does that work, exactly? (I'm guessing his parents spent a <i>lot</i> of time in marriage guidance....)Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4586256241038634952010-01-22T00:58:38.170-05:002010-01-22T00:58:38.170-05:00Agree with all of the above, and:
I was unclear a...Agree with all of the above, and:<br /><br />I was unclear as to whether this was the synopsis for book one or both books or parts one and two or what. The query letter needs to only be about one book. If there are more books, you can say, "IMMORTAL ISLAND is a standalone novel with series potential," and that's about it.<br /><br />Don't say you're working on the sequel. Don't even talk about the sequel. If Book One is not standalone, make it so if you can. It's very difficult for debut authors to sell more than one book at a time; there's no guarantee anyone will want the first one let alone the sequel.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43744130586511433912010-01-21T23:40:11.672-05:002010-01-21T23:40:11.672-05:00This is WAY too long. I'd suggest cutting mos...This is WAY too long. I'd suggest cutting most of the back story and simplifying all of the subplots. The query should feel punchy and short (Max 300 words), so I wonder how you fit so much plot in such a short book. Now I'm just wondering how you wrote a book under 100K.<br /><br />By the by, word counts should be expressed in the nearest 1000.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56128177888565138932010-01-21T19:01:50.315-05:002010-01-21T19:01:50.315-05:00Thanks, I didnt edit my query like th way I did my...Thanks, I didnt edit my query like th way I did my novel. I have been working on it for over a year the novel not the query. The query I have re-written SEVERAL times with 4 different formats, and I get its too long or not long enough. OR doens't describe enough or I have info that doesn't follow. but how do I get all that in the query to make sense. EG; like with jeff he is an important character, but I say something about him in two lines. he is the ex-boyfriend and father of the babies. ERick is half vampire and half angel. I didn't want to give that away right away so I call him the angelic man. so how do I not give away but give away the plot, of the story to make it work in a query. So far the hardest part of writing is the bloody query! <br />thanks for all your comments. I know you cant 100% judge the novel on a query, just like you cant judge a worker bye their lousy resume skills. I have had others comment in other forums and had less negitive feedback but this was ths latest rewrtie for me and i was frustated at the same time I do plan to re-write it again just need to figure out how........ the novel itself has been edited several times in the past year. With an english friend of mine. maybe its time see looks at my query letter.SL Ross / Sabrina Rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15098371458934558237noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75408367688809998822010-01-21T18:46:07.194-05:002010-01-21T18:46:07.194-05:00The hell with a scene. I want to write a whole nov...The hell with a scene. I want to write a whole novel in which Erik the Strange Angelic Man figures prominently.Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07969399927758009095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-208056860938491902010-01-20T21:29:42.854-05:002010-01-20T21:29:42.854-05:00I don't intend this in a mean-spirited way, bu...I don't intend this in a mean-spirited way, but the query reads like someone who only knows "texting" grammar, with the omission of commas, semis, periods, etc.<br /><br />Author, don't let the critical comments here discourage your desire to create. Take the good advice along with your lumps. Learn how to use the tools of your craft. Good luck and keep writing.Stick and Movenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71269533854555556922010-01-20T19:30:11.138-05:002010-01-20T19:30:11.138-05:00As to what everyone else has said, I co-sign.
Fol...As to what everyone else has said, I co-sign.<br /><br />Follow their advice. This was absolutely confusing.Xiexiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265895952183646895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76106896078472887282010-01-20T18:49:36.980-05:002010-01-20T18:49:36.980-05:00Awww, the picture of Erick the Strange Angelic Man...Awww, the picture of Erick the Strange Angelic Man is precious. I love it.<br /><br />Author, I would like to know how Sarah gets from searching for her possibly dead parents to trying to decide which guy to choose. This sounds like a mix of the mystery and fantasy genres, which could be really interesting. I just need a bit more about how things are connected.Chelsea Pitcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301150715189103602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20994242486564170632010-01-20T16:08:01.165-05:002010-01-20T16:08:01.165-05:00I'm afraid I can't add anything to what ot...I'm afraid I can't add anything to what others have said; this is one heck of a mess, and your best bet is to scrap the whole thing and start over.<br /><br />The errors in basic English are a worrying sign; you really, really need to work on these. The query letter is your book's introduction to an agent or a publisher, and you only get one chance to make a first impression. (And the thought that the book might be filled with the same sorts of errors... well, I find that thought too terrifying to contemplate.)Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53999379680825058602010-01-20T15:36:35.182-05:002010-01-20T15:36:35.182-05:00Agreed-- Do yourself a big favor and devote at lea...Agreed-- Do yourself a big favor and devote at least a solid year of your life to studying the craft of writing and English grammar. (What <i>are</i> they teaching them in schools these days?) Take a class, find a tutor, whatever you like. You will be very glad you did. <br /><br />Whoever came up with the idea that vampires are angelic, attractive, and romantic? Oh, right.<br /><br />However, I do hope we will see a lot more of Erick the Strange Angelic Man around here. (I almost fell over laughing when his picture came up, by the way.)Erichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09440250912113010049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64159886363655433422010-01-20T14:31:12.498-05:002010-01-20T14:31:12.498-05:00Ditch everything and start over. Be clear and conc...Ditch everything and start over. Be clear and concise, and go slowly. Double-check every comma, word, and sentence.<br /><br />Other than the plot, you need your wordcount rounded to the nearest 1000, genre (just say Urban Fantasy), and publishing credits (don't worry if you don't have any).<br /><br />EE's right--I do wonder about the novel after reading this. First drafts are allowed to be messy. For your sake, I'm assuming this query is a first draft, unedited. That's fine. Start over.<br /><br />What I really worry is that this query has been edited as much as your novel has. If you haven't yet spent months, and I mean MONTHS, editing your novel, you're not ready to query.<br /><br />Anon 12:05 had some good advice. A grammar class, writing class, or critique group could help a lot. I'd recommend them in that order.<br /><br />I know this must be hard, but keep working at it. Someday you'll look back at this and laugh. We all do that with some of our work._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38808513000858983482010-01-20T13:46:06.088-05:002010-01-20T13:46:06.088-05:00Undersheriff? You mean Deputy?
And all this happ...Undersheriff? You mean Deputy? <br /><br />And all this happens in less than 85,000 words? Wow.Khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8201594500585437722010-01-20T13:38:42.217-05:002010-01-20T13:38:42.217-05:00It seemed like you were trying to cram too much te...It seemed like you were trying to cram too much teen angst into the query and possibly the book.<br />This was really hard to follow. You have an MC that can't make up her mind about which guy to date but she's sleeping with at least one of them and gets pregnant. Seems to me that she made up her mind. Otherwise she might be too much of a nit for me to care about. <br /><br />Try to condense the main plot line down to 8-15 words. It's hard but it helps focus you and your query.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12237518808756712176noreply@blogger.com