tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6729440634619854771..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 409Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65061200369094214712007-09-02T10:18:00.000-04:002007-09-02T10:18:00.000-04:00Oh, Auuthor (and Greencat), I'm so sorry about att...Oh, Auuthor (and Greencat), I'm so sorry about attributing this to someone you're not. Garwaf, Grizelda, Greencat ... I was on "G" overload, I think. If it's any consolation, I can barely remember my OWN name(s) most days!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53896882379445333442007-09-01T22:37:00.000-04:002007-09-01T22:37:00.000-04:00I like the revised query. And I would argue that y...I like the revised query. And I would argue that your opening sentence isn't a necessarily rhetorical question at all. A rhetorical question doesn't have an answer. I interpreted your question as having an answer, such as, "by loving and being loved, by fighting for his honor, by using reason instead of instinct to make decisions," and so forth. But "how is a person supposed to blah blah blah" is so often used rhetorically, people probably assume you mean it that way. If your book does indeed hold a theme about what humanity is, then all you'd need to do is rephrase the question a little so readers don't jump to assume it's rhetorical. Something along the lines of, "How can a man retain his humanity when he’s trapped in the body of a wolf?" or "Can a man remain a man when he's trapped in the body of a wolf?"Alihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16745786643511417426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71293143937116463942007-09-01T18:35:00.000-04:002007-09-01T18:35:00.000-04:00AUTHOR HERE: Not sure why you started thinking I w...AUTHOR HERE: Not sure why you started thinking I was but...uh...I'm not Greencat. I'm me. Just wanted to clarify. :DAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17308031979700505182007-09-01T17:12:00.000-04:002007-09-01T17:12:00.000-04:00Make EE's change, and this latest version reads ni...Make EE's change, and this latest version reads nicely, Greencat!<BR/><BR/>Bernita: Garwaf is probably Old French, and is used in "Bisclaveret."<BR/>http://www.etymonline.com/wolf.php<BR/>http://edtech.wku.edu/~nlove/325/bisclavret_link_sample.htm<BR/><BR/>Still, Greencat, it doesn't appear to be an easy name to modern ears. Maybe consider this from the etymonline site:<BR/><BR/><I>Surnames like Lowell, Lovel, and Lovett are versions of diminutives of "wolf" in Old French or Anglo-Norman, either from nicknames "wolf cub," or meaning "son of Wolf." They came to England with the Normans. Richard Luvel (Ricardus lupellus in a c.1118 charter from Sussex) was descended from William, earl of Yvery, who was called Lupellus to distinguish him from his father, Robert, who had acquired the nickname Lupus because of his violent temper.</I><BR/><BR/>I've read your COM pages; will comment on them there soon.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32593116583989133662007-09-01T09:06:00.000-04:002007-09-01T09:06:00.000-04:00Not sure of that, Anon.Old English used "werwulf."...Not sure of that, Anon.<BR/>Old English used "werwulf."<BR/>Think "gar" is Old French.<BR/>In OE, it means "spear."Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82412216465422249732007-09-01T01:23:00.000-04:002007-09-01T01:23:00.000-04:00Just wanted to share that "Garwaf" is an old engli...Just wanted to share that "Garwaf" is an old english version of the word "werewolf." That's all. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-63234702399161920412007-08-31T20:30:00.000-04:002007-08-31T20:30:00.000-04:00I posted a comment earlier but I guess it got eate...I posted a comment earlier but I guess it got eaten. It happens sometimes to me. The word verification hates me and I hate it.<BR/><BR/>THis query is much better. Excellent job. I really want to read this story now. Good luck!Ello - Ellen Ohhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18311917335471167591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-49546386081049674932007-08-31T14:07:00.000-04:002007-08-31T14:07:00.000-04:00I liked this version much better. It flows from be...I liked this version much better. It flows from beginning to end instead of jumping around like the original. <BR/><BR/>And I would keep the rhetorical question opening simply out of spite. You have to keep in mind that some of these writing "rules" are just the result of a desperate need for blog content. (Not EE's, or course.)Blogless Trollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983848259551488867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-74192006083356836532007-08-31T13:38:00.000-04:002007-08-31T13:38:00.000-04:00How about:Lady Isabeau has found herself in a rath...How about:<BR/><BR/>Lady Isabeau has found herself in a rather awkward situation. Her lover is trapped in the body of a beast.<BR/><BR/>Same meaning, just not in question form.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35380185025252113772007-08-31T12:37:00.000-04:002007-08-31T12:37:00.000-04:00Desperate and reckless, Alison and Reynard are una...<I>Desperate and reckless, Alison and Reynard are unafraid to dispatch Gabriel and anyone else, like Isabeau, who might stand between them and the werewolf they need to kill.</I> <BR/><BR/>Drop that sentence from the end of your plot; the previous sentence is a better ending.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16671207405409207812007-08-31T12:31:00.000-04:002007-08-31T12:31:00.000-04:00Hey author! I really like your new query. And I'm ...Hey author! I really like your new query. And I'm really intrigued. I would want to read this book. And I don't even like medieval romances! This sounds awesome. I don't even have any quibbles. And the fact that you say Lady Isabeau first before moving to her nickname took care of my initial problem with her name. Now it makes sense! I still think Garwaf is a funny name, but it wouldn't stop me from reading the book. I can't believe how much better this query is. You did a great job. Good luck!Ello - Ellen Ohhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18311917335471167591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26291126004777756652007-08-31T10:43:00.000-04:002007-08-31T10:43:00.000-04:00How about opening with:Gabriel is a beastly lover....How about opening with:<BR/>Gabriel is a beastly lover. Lady Isabeau has no choice but to keep him in a cage.<BR/><BR/>Okay, I know people automatically think everything I say is a joke, but I am actually serious.<BR/><BR/>I remain in the camp that's against opening with a rhetorical question.<BR/><BR/>Good luck with your query.<BR/><BR/>Cheers,Chris Eldinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11794946908789120139noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45250922091923555032007-08-30T23:08:00.000-04:002007-08-30T23:08:00.000-04:00Here's a revised query based on the feedback I've ...Here's a revised query based on the feedback I've received. (If someone can come up with a better hook then I will ditch my rhetorical question.) <BR/><BR/>Critique away. Can't wait to see what everyone has to say. <BR/><BR/>Dear Benevolent Editor:<BR/> <BR/>How is a man supposed to be a man when he’s trapped in the body of a wolf? And what is the woman who loves him supposed to do about this rather awkward situation?<BR/><BR/>A romantic fantasy for young adults in the tradition of Robin McKinley and Diana Wynne Jones, GARWAF blends the story of Beauty and the Beast with Marie de France’s lais “Bisclavret.” <BR/><BR/>Lady Isabeau has been packed off to the royal court to snare herself a rich husband by her father so she can pay his gaming debts. Bored by the petty intrigues of court, her loneliness and frustration are eased when the king puts her in charge of the care and comfort of his new pet wolf. Isabeau quickly realizes the beast is more than he seems, for this "wolf" was once Gabriel, the king's favorite knight. Resolving to do all in her power to restore him, Isabeau is sorely tested as the trials of court and confrontations with those who betrayed Gabriel lead him to stray ever further from his already dwindling humanity. Trapped in his wolf form permanently by his unfaithful wife when she learned his dire secret, Gabriel struggles to fall into the ways of his old life and fights his wolfish urges to maim and kill. <BR/><BR/>As Gabriel and Beau grow to understand and care for one another despite his horrific curse, rumors of an uncannily intelligent and mild-mannered wolf at the royal court reach the ears of Gabriel’s wife, Alison, and her unscrupulous new husband, Reynard. All the circumstances of the wolf’s capture and his subsequent integration into court life lead Alison to suspect that the king’s pet “Garwaf” is none other than her first husband Gabriel in his wolfish aspect. Though her second marriage to Reynard has been far from happy, Alison knows she will need Reynard to quietly dispose of the king’s new pet. Gabriel, they know, is the one creature that, should he ever return to his human self, could strip them of everything they have schemed so hard to gain. Desperate and reckless, Alison and Reynard are unafraid to dispatch Gabriel and anyone else, like Isabeau, who might stand between them and the werewolf they need to kill. <BR/><BR/>A synopsis, first 50 pages, and SASE for your reply are included. I look forward to sending you the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. <BR/><BR/><BR/>Sincerely, <BR/>A WriterAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24315242182242316922007-08-30T21:28:00.000-04:002007-08-30T21:28:00.000-04:00AUTHOR HERE:This might become a little snarky. I a...AUTHOR HERE:<BR/>This might become a little snarky. I apologize in advance. I really have learned and improved a lot from posting on this site and others. Thank you to everyone for their notes and helpful suggestions. <BR/><BR/>Now, after catching flak here AND on crapometer for my heroine's frigging name and me not knowing what I'm doing, etc I rise to defend myself. <BR/><BR/>1) Her full name is Isabeau. She goes by Beau for short. <BR/><BR/>2) I decided not to go with Belle or Beauty because those are cliche and have been done to DEATH<BR/><BR/>3) In the story she ends up rescuing her man. She is, in fact, HIS Prince Charming. So I gave her a more masculine name on purpose as a kind of amusing (to me) homage to that. <BR/><BR/>I did do my research. I do know what I'm doing and no, I'm not changing her name. So, can we please stop commenting on that? <BR/><BR/>Thanks again everyone for all your help.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60686590752424595762007-08-29T11:04:00.000-04:002007-08-29T11:04:00.000-04:00I think December nailed it.Your query does not ref...I think December nailed it.<BR/>Your query does not reflect any extensive research into medieval realities, but rather contradicts your claim.<BR/>Perhaps it is best omitted.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70032352592209917532007-08-29T10:03:00.000-04:002007-08-29T10:03:00.000-04:00This is from Nathan Bransford's blog. By the way,...This is from Nathan Bransford's blog. By the way, if you send him your query, apparently it will make him cry.<BR/><BR/>The more extreme the rhetorical question (Have you ever wondered if space aliens live in your underwear drawer?) the more I want to say, "NO." The more mundane the rhetorical question (Have you ever felt sad?) the more I want to say, "NO." Only the second no is more of a sarcastic no, like noooooo, rather than the first no, which is more of a serious no. It's all about inflection, people.<BR/><BR/><BR/>Cheers,Chris Eldinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11794946908789120139noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26303897654563503392007-08-29T06:14:00.000-04:002007-08-29T06:14:00.000-04:00One of your best, EE.I agree about not startiing t...One of your best, EE.<BR/><BR/>I agree about not startiing the query with a question, and I have to argue with at least one other statement. Claiming you did extensive research on the medieval period and then having your heroine (whose name is not great--research actual medieval names, please, and language, since for a large portion of the period the nobility spoke French) "packed off to court to find a rich husband" is a contradiction. Medieval ladies of rank and wealth had arranged marriages; they did not go off to "find a husband". Some of them were betrothed from birth, most had marriages arranged later, but it had to do with property and wealth and the decisions of the parents; there wasn't a marriage market the way that statement implies. <BR/><BR/>Those who weren't betrothed by a certain age might have been sent to Court, but not to "find" a husband; they would have been sent to be ladies-in-waiting while their parents or the King himself found a suitable husband.<BR/><BR/>It's a very Regency-era phrase you've used, and it's out of place for the medieval period. Sorry, but it really jumped out at me.Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07969399927758009095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72514335500366941912007-08-29T01:14:00.000-04:002007-08-29T01:14:00.000-04:00This has some nice potential, but I see I'm not al...This has some nice potential, but I see I'm not alone in my problem with the heroine's name. <BR/><BR/>If you claim to have done extensive research, but get a prominent and basic element wrong, that kind of blows your credibility. You'd be amazed how many fantasy editors, agents, writers, and fans are experts in the period. They will catch mistakes, and one this basic will blow you right out of the ballpark.<BR/><BR/>Now mind you, if it's short for, say, Ysabeau, and there's a story that goes with it, which indicates that you really do know what you've done here, that's different. (Hey, I can even justify naming a Viking princess Tiffany. But I don't just play a medievalist on TV, I are one. I know how to get away with it. Real expertise can do just about anything--as long as it backs it up with solid, and I mean granite-hard, research and educated reasoning.)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48914281994505563542007-08-28T15:50:00.000-04:002007-08-28T15:50:00.000-04:00This sounds interesting, but I would like to know ...This sounds interesting, but I would like to know how Gabriel got permanently trapped in wolf form by someone who just found out he was a werewolf. It sounds too easy. Unless his wife could use magic, in which case that might be a better description than "unfaithful."<BR/><BR/>Also, I'm not a werewolf expert and I've never researched medieval werewolfery, but it seems there are three basic shapes: human, wolf, and the in between monster you get in movies. You're saying the longer he stays in wolf form, the less human he becomes. So, wouldn't it follow that if he stayed in human form longer, he would become less wolfy? Then why didn't the wife just trap him in human form instead? If it's because she's "unfaithful" that's kinda weak. There's gotta be an easier way to get rid of a husband you don't want.<BR/><BR/>And since this is YA, it might be less confusing to illustrate Gabriel losing his humanity with the help of some kind of mechanical device, like a Wolf-O-Meter. Nothing fancy, maybe a modest, wrist-worn gauge or something with the silhouette of a human on the left and a wolf on the right. If the needle ever crosses into the red Gabe loses his humanity forever sort of thing. You need some sort of deadline, because the query makes it sound like all Lady Beau needs to do is lock Gabriel in his cage until she finds a cure for him, even if it takes years.Blogless Trollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983848259551488867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78768635512407837742007-08-28T14:56:00.000-04:002007-08-28T14:56:00.000-04:00I was just released from a two-and-a-half hour bri...I was just released from a two-and-a-half hour briefing, and reading this...<BR/><BR/>"King: I should have a treasured pet.<BR/>Trusted Adviser: Yes sire. Dog? Kitten?<BR/>King: I was thinking wolfman.]"<BR/><BR/>was so, so nice. Good one.Robin S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03258459688300851984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28962532902912802492007-08-28T14:18:00.000-04:002007-08-28T14:18:00.000-04:00Your first character paragraph is about Gabriel. G...<I>Your first character paragraph is about Gabriel. Good. I would then move the paragraph about Lady Beau so it comes next</I><BR/><BR/>It does come next. The king/adviser dialogue interrupts one long paragraph.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48652606296995493322007-08-28T14:05:00.000-04:002007-08-28T14:05:00.000-04:00To be honest, I'm a bit put off by the title and I...To be honest, I'm a bit put off by the title and I agree that Lady Beau does not ring right. EE's rewrite is excellent and Dave makes some great points. My only addition is that you mention it is in the tradition of Diana Wynne Jones who I equate with stories of magic, but magic is really not a part of your query, just an assumption that it is involved because of the wolfman bit. It seems a disconnect. But the story idea sounds very interesting.Ello - Ellen Ohhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18311917335471167591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67016612550429615412007-08-28T13:46:00.000-04:002007-08-28T13:46:00.000-04:00Poor author. You're getting a rehash of all the cr...Poor author. You're getting a rehash of all the crapometer comments here.<BR/><BR/>I'm still comfortable with your one-two setup of questions at the beginning that focus on the hero and then the heroine. I think Dave may have overlooked the second heroine-related question?<BR/><BR/>You begin with a question that is 1) not directed to the reader of the query, and 2) not answered by a yes/no response. Even Nathan -- in this week's post's comments -- admitted <I>That's a good point. "How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?" is a actually good example of a line that is better because it's a rhetorical question.</I><BR/><BR/>As with all writing, cliches, stock characters/plots, and rhetorical questions can sell based on execution. Otherwise, explain the $1.5M for the cliche apocalyptic vampire novels that just sold. Never say never...<BR/><BR/>Yes, your story is a romance and therefore about both characters. By default, however, since you've set up the hero as more out of the ordinary than the heroine, attention will get focused on him. Do you mainly remember Belle or the Beast? Christine or the Phantom? Fiona or Shrek?<BR/><BR/>The conventions for a romance query are a bit different, and you've almost got it here. Your first character paragraph is about Gabriel. Good. I would then move the paragraph about Lady Beau so it comes next, but keep it tight to Beau's perspective - what she needs and wants. Then the final paragraph can talk about the trials that must be overcome before they can be together. In this case, since you've called it a romantic fantasy and given us the traditions, we know it'll have an HEA, so you shouldn't have to explicitly state that they wind up together. It's well implied.<BR/><BR/>Apologies if I led you wrong on the "twist" thing. I think it's clear, but others are apparently having a problem. Still, you don't want to make it seem it is simply a retelling. Not for a YA audience, at least. It needs something hook-y to assure the agent of that. You MIGHT get away with a non-parody retelling with the younger crowd, but YA requires something novel. <BR/><BR/>You're almost there! This version has come a long way from the one on COM. And I like the name Gabriel much better than Garwaf! (But could you rethink Beau's name, too?)<BR/><BR/>(Wowzer, just what the heck is "Benevolet Editor" filtering out??)<BR/><BR/>Um, Church Lady, let hubby out for <I>five minutes</I> for sex? Honey, you and me need to talk...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81307775796795478282007-08-28T12:53:00.000-04:002007-08-28T12:53:00.000-04:00GAFWAR! ha!Author, unless the story is more about ...GAFWAR! ha!<BR/><BR/>Author, unless the story is more about Wolfie than Beau, go with EE's rewrite. He's quite a hand with corralling a wandering query.<BR/><BR/>pulpAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41575717427701450832007-08-28T12:51:00.000-04:002007-08-28T12:51:00.000-04:00I like the sound of this story (but then, I'm a su...I like the sound of this story (but then, I'm a sucker for Beauty & the Beast stories). I like that your heroine has to participate in the intrigues of the king's court if she's to help Gabriel--this tells me that she likely grows and learns through the course of the story, since she decides to do something so distasteful and unnatural (since she's outspoken, and politics etc. often requires sneaking about and great subtlety and diplomacy) to her.<BR/><BR/>Calling her "Lady Beau" would really bug me for the whole length of the novel, however. Not only is Beau a man's name, it's the masculine form of the word meaning "attractive" or "handsome" in French. So you have a heroine with a guy's name, and a name with a mascuine meaning. You've named your girl "Handsome."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com