tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6424063571767828003..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 654Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64652120934214192732009-07-27T11:56:16.069-04:002009-07-27T11:56:16.069-04:00I figured this would get posted while I was on vac...I figured this would get posted while I was on vacation. I honestly thought I was adding elements to the query letter that I was learning about from reading past face-lifts. But I can see from the comments what I need to fix, which is what I needed. I had come to roadblock while writing the query letter and needed the feedback to get me moving again. So thank you for your comments.<br /><br />And I do use reference books to help with grammar. I'm just a little slow when it comes to commas. <br /><br />Thanks again!Sephinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73219316575865072602009-07-14T20:56:26.216-04:002009-07-14T20:56:26.216-04:00I'm with Jeb.
When I was a librarian (children...I'm with Jeb.<br />When I was a librarian (children's, academic, and public library reference librarian), I kept being shocked at the number of librarians who were lousy at punctuation and grammar, were not especially literate, didn't read much, and generally brought shame to the profession. I blame it on library schools shifting to "information management."<br /><br />Everybody doesn't have to be good at everything, but a librarian should know enough to use a reference source to check punctuation before presenting writing to the public.<br /><br />I haven't been telling agents I'm a librarian (retired, now) in the bio para of my queries. (Except for the children's story queries I sent around, because being a children's librarian gave me tremendous experience with selecting and "field testing" kids' books.) Should I have been? I didn't think it had anything to do with my writing qualifications.pulphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09338209570035044103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8157952315712890762009-07-14T08:10:36.164-04:002009-07-14T08:10:36.164-04:00Finding the orb years before the action starts mak...Finding the orb years before the action starts makes it prolog fodder, and we all know how much people "say" they hate prologs.<br /><br />Overall, too many elements are introduced in this query for me. Makes my brain hurt trying to keep track, and it does seem to be mostly backstory. <br /><br />I think you need to pare down to your elevator pitch (a one sentence description of what happens in the book) and work from there. If it's about a girl who saves "the world"--whatever that world is-- you focus on her, not on trying to explain the entire mileau you've created.<br /><br />This sounds like it might be a good story, but you need to sell it, give us an emotional hook.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78046917560576602812009-07-14T04:09:35.056-04:002009-07-14T04:09:35.056-04:00The "chosen" (cos I read as a noun too) ...The "chosen" (cos I read as a noun too) issue could be solved as follows:<br /><br /><i>...she became the goddess of night’s Chosen, the one to free the goddess from the orb, restore her kingdom and to free her people from a curse. </i><br /><br />I don't know Dave. Seeing that this is to be part of a trilogy there are probably events where in which she finds out when everyone comes outta the woodwork when she's twenty-three. <br /><br />There's more backstory there too, I'm sure. I do agree that the eleven-year-old thing doesn't necessarily need to be in the query unless it's handled like this:<br /><br /><i>Fay, fairies, imps, pixies, vampires and sh!t have begun to reveal themselves to Tracey. She finds that they're her best friend, mentor, teacher, the high school janitor, the crazy lady in front of the old Woody's building, etc. Little did she know that at 11 when she touched that dark orb in the Goddess of Night's temple, she charged herself as the Goddess's Chosen, the one to </i> [refer to my suggestion above]<i>...</i><br /><br />Am I making sense?Xiexiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265895952183646895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68325372271904415712009-07-13T21:49:28.260-04:002009-07-13T21:49:28.260-04:00Wasn't there an orb in the Da Vinci code?
The...Wasn't there an orb in the Da Vinci code?<br /><br />There was a queen of the night in Desperately Seeking Susan - I googled it. <br /><br />I always thought portal was weird in fantasy novels because it sounded Science Fiction but Rowling did with the portal key. <br /><br />Did I have a point? Yes, it's the eye of the beholder. . . <br /><br />vkwAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-3740150774650828912009-07-13T20:31:53.576-04:002009-07-13T20:31:53.576-04:00Wasn't there some sort of Queen of the Night i...Wasn't there some sort of Queen of the Night in Desperately Seeking Susan?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9121810350536821672009-07-13T20:20:08.840-04:002009-07-13T20:20:08.840-04:00Speaking of osmosis, they likely don't teach t...Speaking of osmosis, they likely don't teach the correct use of commas in Library school, but a librarian has presumably opened a book or two over the years and thus could have absorbed the basics.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13515099806598255483noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18108384836191732212009-07-13T18:41:36.801-04:002009-07-13T18:41:36.801-04:00Orb isn't an odd word for anyone who knows Lat...Orb isn't an odd word for anyone who knows Latin. The Pope issues a yearly message titled: Urbi et Orbi -- translated -- "To the City and the World." <br />It is the Papal address and blessing on Easter and Christmas.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1810063282534965582009-07-13T17:12:22.033-04:002009-07-13T17:12:22.033-04:00"Orb" is such a goofy word. Orb. Orb. Or..."Orb" is such a goofy word. Orb. Orb. Orb. Orb. Orb. Orb. I can't get past it.<br /><br />Which may be just as well, because it appears that if I got past it I'd have to say, "Oh, not <i>another</i> story where a girl finds out she's the Chosen [One], has to go on a quest for the battle between light and darkness, <i>and</i> a vampire falls in love with her!" <br /><br />Your story isn't really that much of a cliche, you say? Fair enough. Use your query letter to show (not tell!) us why, exactly, it's different and better.Eric P.http://www.xanga.com/pass_the_auranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78555270629215312242009-07-13T16:56:10.599-04:002009-07-13T16:56:10.599-04:00I feel as though you've sort of overwritten th...I feel as though you've sort of overwritten the query. Try saying the same things in a simpler manner, maybe with fewer $3 words. Add a little more voice.<br /><br />It sounds like you have an interesting story on your hands -- albeit a long one. You just have to make sure that comes through in the query.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52199565338227920552009-07-13T14:56:53.797-04:002009-07-13T14:56:53.797-04:00Dave may have a good point here. If nothing happe...Dave may have a good point here. If nothing happens between 12 and 23, then the heroine should just find the orb at 23 and be done with it. <br /><br />Or perhaps it is the prelude, that starts out little cindy found this orb and little did she know . . . . . <br /><br />Now 12 years later, evil and good forces come to head because something has happened that will allow cindy to set the goddess free. <br /><br />I want to know why anyone wants to set the goddess of night free. . . if everything has been just fine without her - why bother. <br /><br />and why can't cindy just hand over the orb to all three of the men and promise to marry the one that survives - provided, of course, he not the one that wants her blood and is rich and good looking? <br /><br />Anon - I just read something on the internet that werewolves are the new vampires . . .but it came from the internet, so that may or may not mean much. <br /><br />vkw <br /><br />It would work then.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65084882753800943012009-07-13T14:40:25.433-04:002009-07-13T14:40:25.433-04:00EE -
reading 560 plus face lifts is not osmosis ...EE - <br /><br />reading 560 plus face lifts is not osmosis that is called vicarious learning. <br /><br />"Learning", like in working only without pay. . . . <br /><br />Okay I'm done whining. I have been reading them and I'm learning and making progress - slowly. <br /><br />the idea of an osmosis pill, however, is quite tempting, better yet a mind reading agent would be cool.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1137556469884825922009-07-13T14:08:18.990-04:002009-07-13T14:08:18.990-04:00I'm having trouble with time and age here. Mar...I'm having trouble with time and age here. Marcan, Anthony and Irial are ancient and Cynthia is a college student who was perfectly normal until she touched the ORB at 12 years old. But nothing happened to Cynthia until she hit age 23 years old. <br /><br />Is that like the two semesters I walked around with Eileen Rooter (heir to the Rootin' Tootin' Roto Rooter fortune) stalked me in college? Or that summer camp job where Peter Walthrop tried to come out of his closet in my presences in his bikini? Or my first ex-wife, Babs Brookline who wanted me to find trout in her pond but all I got was crabs? <br /><br />Let me repeat two words: nothing happens. A twelve-year old fondling an orb is not exciting. A 900 year old fondling a twelve year old is Lolita with a bad case of wrinkles. <br /><br />If the story doesn't begin with something more exciting that happens after her 23rd birthday, I'm not sure I want to read it. Perhaps this is a preemptive strike on the "first" of a series and an unfair preemptive attack. But when I first read "Harry Potter" I had the same thought. Why are we starting with a baby? And my point being that if you don't write a compelling story after that opening chapter with the 12 year old and the orb, the book might be all backstory and not interesting enough to stand on its own. <br /><br />I realize that what I've just said is unfair because I only have the query and I'm judging the book. But that's the only part of the story you describe in the query, the backstory. What happens after Cynthia is told she is the chosen one. I mean what really happens not the truly predictable reaction of "No I'm not." and "You're all crazy." How does the revelation change her life? What new skills and attitudes must she learn? Does her college life change? Does she stay on Earth (in Normal Nebraska) or go off to some other world of the Fay or Fey? That's the story you need to describe in the query.<br /><br />BTW - There is only one Queen Of The Night -- Mozart's Die Koenige Der Nacht -- listen to 2 minutes of Bel Canto and you'll know why: <br /><a rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3JHcZsiM1g</a>Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-91840888813537228272009-07-13T13:38:51.339-04:002009-07-13T13:38:51.339-04:00Noun or not it's not a sentence. The part afte...Noun or not it's not a sentence. The part after "chosen" needs to modify something. It can modify chosen if chosen isn't a noun, but then we need a noun (savior?). If chosen is a noun, the rest of the sentence needs something else to modify. Something like "with the responsibility" or "obligated" or "bound by Fay law." "Chosen" can't play both roles.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13641403394246450332009-07-13T13:23:58.848-04:002009-07-13T13:23:58.848-04:00EE, in the first paragraph, 'chosen' is a ...EE, in the first paragraph, 'chosen' is a noun.<br /><br />GTP2 is not mine, but it's my autobiography. Dammit, who told? At least they spelled my name right,Tracey S. Rosenberghttp://tsrosenberg.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43968729732824214752009-07-13T13:11:20.597-04:002009-07-13T13:11:20.597-04:00Concerning SMUT, Tom Lehrer says:
Smut!
Give me ...Concerning SMUT, Tom Lehrer says: <br /><br />Smut!<br />Give me smut and nothing but!<br />A dirty novel I can't shut,<br />If it's uncut,<br />and unsubt- le.<br /><br />I've never quibbled<br />If it was ribald,<br />I would devour where others merely nibbled.<br />As the judge remarked the day that he<br />acquitted my Aunt Hortense,<br />"To be smut<br />It must be ut-<br />Terly without redeeming social importance."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17388724600035719822009-07-13T12:58:15.607-04:002009-07-13T12:58:15.607-04:00Seems to incorporate numerous popular plot element...Seems to incorporate numerous popular plot elements which means the prose needs to be especially awesome for the query to stand out, since the competition seems to be very crowded with vampires, chosen ones, and various gods-on-earth.<br /><br />At least you resisted the temptation to put in a werewolf and teenagers with wands.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15561398931577927162009-07-13T12:11:33.302-04:002009-07-13T12:11:33.302-04:00Read Face-Lifts 1 through 564 including all reader...Read Face-Lifts 1 through 564 including all reader comments. That's where osmosis comes in.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76662478041669660922009-07-13T11:49:59.662-04:002009-07-13T11:49:59.662-04:00Wow - does this critique sound familiar. Seems lik...Wow - does this critique sound familiar. Seems like all of EE's minions make similar mistakes - that must be our greatest weakness that the evil minions can smite us with. <br /><br />Here's the delimna - I write from the beginning to the end, I am going to tell you the backstory so you dear agent can grasp the plot and the excitment of this story by osmosis. (I'm not saying you did this author but I certainly did and your query had similar concerns to my query)<br /><br />The query is mildly intriguing. I have no good advice to give but to wish you very good luck. <br /><br />What is the easiest way to write a good query? anyone want to comment?<br /><br />vkwAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86579289821582703522009-07-13T10:29:16.323-04:002009-07-13T10:29:16.323-04:00This query mildly intrigued me, which I suppose is...This query mildly intrigued me, which I suppose is the best you can do when it's all backstory.<br /><br />Follow EE's advice and come back to us with the rewrite. My suggestion is to focus on Cynthia and show us how she feels about all of this. Mitigate the number of questions your query raises--If you can't answer it within the 250 words, avoid it.<br /><br />Is this the same Cynthia that slept with a horse in a New Beginning from awhile back?Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07681932402948885690noreply@blogger.com