tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6201130605808762533..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 476Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13209506016920129222008-01-23T18:45:00.000-05:002008-01-23T18:45:00.000-05:00Dave: I know about Pittsburgh. My mother graduat...Dave: I know about Pittsburgh. My mother graduated from Pitt. I was making a pun (casino--stake, get it? Even though you don't want it?)talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9422860935478825452008-01-23T10:44:00.000-05:002008-01-23T10:44:00.000-05:00I don't mean to nitpick or imply that the author k...I don't mean to nitpick or imply that the author knows nothing about nursing (obviously that's not the case), but I've never heard of an ER where part-time nurses work fourteen-hour shifts; full-time shifts are twelve hours. The part-timers in the ERs I've known work 4-8 hour shifts, generally.<BR/><BR/>Also, ER nurses don't meet only druggies or guys in comas. They meet cops and firemen/fire rescue guys. My Mom's an ER nurse (has been for over twenty years) and I've almost lost count of the number of cops and firemen she and her friends have dated over the years.<BR/><BR/>It might be different on the floors, but there's a lot of men in the ER. <BR/><BR/>Aside from that, I think it sounds like a fun story. The query needs some tightening, sure, and I don't get why she quit her job, but I like mysteries.Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07969399927758009095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90186082803205792752008-01-23T09:46:00.000-05:002008-01-23T09:46:00.000-05:00Well, there was that movie True Lies. What appeal ...Well, there was that movie <I>True Lies</I>. What appeal there may be in this title seems to be that it's an oxymoron. With the second book titled the non-oxymoronish <I>True Detective</I>, I would question the author's overall vision a bit. Still, it's just a title and likely to change anyway.<BR/><BR/>From the initial setup in the query, it seems like this is a cozy, but then it turns a bit dark for a cozy toward the end of the query. What audience are you trying to reach? I think you want to keep your tone consistent and targeted throughout.<BR/><BR/>Lots of great advice on tying up the loose ends, inconsistencies, and seeming boo-boo's in police procedural in the plot portion of the query, so I won't rehash. <BR/><BR/>Sounds like a middle-aged heroine having a mid-life crisis and using the murders as an excuse to put some pizzazz into her life. I like that as motivation, I think you just need to find a way to make it a bit more plausible in your query.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89756872261380023392008-01-23T00:24:00.000-05:002008-01-23T00:24:00.000-05:00I have nothing constructive to add here. But I wou...I have nothing constructive to add here. But I would like to say I'd buy something called The Novel Formerly Known As True Fiction, before I would True Fiction. <I>Maybe</I> I'd buy a non-fiction book called True Fiction, but I'd need a few beers to keep the contradictions straight. I try not to rip on the titles here, but <I>c'mon</I> man, how bout a little effort? It's like a musician calling a song Inaudible Hip Hop.Blogless Trollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983848259551488867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71131570267654230412008-01-22T23:45:00.000-05:002008-01-22T23:45:00.000-05:00Talpiana: No! Philadelphia (or as I affectionatel...Talpiana: <BR/>No! Philadelphia (or as I affectionately refer to it Filthydelphia) is known for the cheese steak and Head Cheese. One of which is real cheese and the other is pigs head in aspic. <BR/>They also invented nose hair. <BR/>By contrast, Pittsburgh has Heinz pickles, Heinz ketchup, and (let's see) the Big Mac, The Ferris Wheel (not a foodstuff), Primanti's Sandwich wraps. I grew up on Pierogies and Isaly's chipped chopped ham and Klondike bars... Also Wedding Soup is a Pittsburgh recipe. <BR/><BR/><B>You ought to try something like this: <BR/>"When Stella Hart stumbles onto a gangland slaying, and the detective investigating the murders dies, Stella begins investigating on her own and finds that the three murders lead to a US Senator." <BR/><BR/>That's a run on sentence if there ever was one, but it focuses on Stella and her plight and how she solves the mystery. </B>Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-23313788743139960762008-01-22T20:21:00.000-05:002008-01-22T20:21:00.000-05:00As EE's GTP entry points out, the motivations are ...As EE's GTP entry points out, the motivations are a little weak as presented in the query. It's unclear why Stella quits her job to investigate the killings. I guess we can surmise that the attempt on her life sent her over the edge and that she can't live without some sort of closure. But for her to get so obsessive that she travels to Pittsburgh and St. Louis to follow leads after the police have dropped the investigation... dunno, I'm not really buying it.<BR/><BR/>I'm not a nurse and I've not played one on TV (though I know a few), but if a "part-time nurse" puts in "fourteen hour days" then I've just gained a <I>huge</I> measure of respect for full-time nurses.<BR/><BR/>It's also unclear (as EE's GTP points out) why her love life being in the toilet would motivate her to research murders. I guess eHarmony and match.com haven't panned out, so she figures might as well try this?<BR/><BR/>I do like the underlying mystery involving the Senator and a cover-up of multiple killings, and I hope you use the nurse/trauma center angle in the plot and not just as character backstory.<BR/><BR/>Oh, and I want to hear more about the three-legged horse and the suspicious backhoe.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-34600583223403297562008-01-22T19:54:00.000-05:002008-01-22T19:54:00.000-05:00Here's what we see in this query: you are bored wi...Here's what we see in this query: you are bored with writing those medical articles. And you love mystery/thriller novels. So you wrote one. <BR/><BR/>You moshed together common elements of mystery and thriller genres, which makes for a rather complicated plot, which you outline in detail here. Perhaps too much detail. Except that you also hold back crucial plot points. So we can't actually figure what the heck's going on. We need less about why there's no sexy subplot [wha? no? !!???] and more about things like what happened to the detective. <BR/><BR/>EE expressed skepticism about the cops just snoozing on a double murder case after the detective investigating it got killed, making it a triple murder[?]. I agree. Maybe everything is handled more plausibly in the novel, but my general impression is you need to do a lot more research. <BR/><BR/>This might be a good time to take a deep breath and review the turkey city lexicon.<BR/><BR/>http://www.sfwa.org/writing/turkeycity.htmlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71841243326078145002008-01-22T19:21:00.001-05:002008-01-22T19:21:00.001-05:00The only True Fiction in Pittsburgh is that cheesy...<I>The only True Fiction in Pittsburgh is that cheesy casino deal</I><BR/><BR/>Is that the famous Pitt cheese stake?talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41433678487397127452008-01-22T19:21:00.000-05:002008-01-22T19:21:00.000-05:00Besides, her love life was in the toilet...Hold on...<I>Besides, her love life was in the toilet...</I><BR/><BR/>Hold on... Wasn't that George Michael?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17019409514316835892008-01-22T17:47:00.000-05:002008-01-22T17:47:00.000-05:00The only True Fiction in Pittsburgh is that cheesy...The only True Fiction in Pittsburgh is that cheesy casino deal the politicians are shoving down the throats of citizens on the North Side. <BR/><BR/>This query is unfocused. It bounces between subjects. I hope that the ER figures into the mystery other than being Stella Hart's employment. The ER might make for exciting episodes but those episodes have to relate to the mystery.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44794081895985755882008-01-22T17:42:00.000-05:002008-01-22T17:42:00.000-05:00For the first time in her life Stella Hart is fill...<I>For the first time in her life Stella Hart is filled with a riveting fear</I><BR/><BR/>What did she think was going to happen when she started tracking a killer? Why is she only afraid now?Bethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504439129670380071noreply@blogger.com