tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post5438239346785512970..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1269Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-74655910667886917162015-08-05T14:25:40.003-04:002015-08-05T14:25:40.003-04:00Usually, when you have a story about some sort of ...Usually, when you have a story about some sort of professionals - FBI agents in this case - bringing a novice onto the job, there's a stated reason why they absolutely have to do this: the novice is is needed to identify something or someone in person, the novice has a very unique skill or knowledge base that the pros don't, the novice has an in with the pros' boss and wants to get an inside look at what they do, and so on. This isn't the only point you haven't explained in the query, but it's the biggest one. I have no clue why the FBI needs or wants Flynn on this case. I also don't know whether Flynn is a willing participant, happily giving up life at the pawn shop for madcap international adventure, or the day the FBI agent shows up to recruit him ends up being one the worst of his life.<br /><br />The query needs to progress in a logical way, so the reader can see what actions Flynnand re other characters take, why they choose to take those actions, and what happens as a result. Right now, it reads like a series of completely disconnected events.<br /><br />InkAndPixelClubhttp://ladiesofcomicazi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68254122323893765352015-08-05T13:26:45.917-04:002015-08-05T13:26:45.917-04:00I’m with EE & Mr. F:
Why Flynn? What makes hi...I’m with EE & Mr. F: <br />Why Flynn? What makes him the go-to guy for the FBI?<br />Also, the sequence you present in the query is confusing. <br />First, he’s recruited. Then there’s the shop. Then he plays golf. Then mayhem ensues. Meanwhile, in Philadelphia….<br />Then Flynn’s recruited again – what happened the first time he was recruited?<br />Then it’s off to the Urals and back to Baltimore. <br />All this traveling and I’m still not sure what the story is.<br />PLaFnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22601648893228604332015-08-05T10:38:13.929-04:002015-08-05T10:38:13.929-04:00I think I see what you're going for: madcap in...I think I see what you're going for: madcap international adventures come to a funny, humble small businessman who has just the right combo of skills and experience to bust a dastardly villain (whose front is also rife with comic possibilities). Of course it's all abrupt and confusing to poor Flynn, but it can't be that way for us, even if there are twists and surprises. You, the author, must be in control of the story, and that has to be conveyed in the query. Like EE, I kept going "huh?" I can't tell whether there's any action in the Ural Mountains or whether our characters are doing all the plotting from their back rooms. I don't know how it ends at Baltimore's Inner Harbor when Flynn comes face to face with the thief. I don't know why Flynn is recruited a second time when the first time resulted in two fatalities. You don't have to answer all these questions in your query; just don't raise them to begin with if you don't have time to explain it all.<br /><br />Also, you've got some punctuation problems. <br /><br />Comma splices: <br />"Flynn's pawnshops are entertaining, you never know what's coming through the door." <br />"Once again the irreverent Flynn is recruited, this time it’s more deadly." <br /><br />Also, apostrophes are needed for sharks (owners of teeth) and ladies (prospective owners of shoes).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14196439855374523902015-08-05T10:33:11.147-04:002015-08-05T10:33:11.147-04:00The shoe store is Antonov's, not Flynn's.The shoe store is Antonov's, not Flynn's.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-23058461025335447712015-08-05T10:25:38.634-04:002015-08-05T10:25:38.634-04:00Author,
A few brief comments:
EE is right: “Actu...Author,<br /><br />A few brief comments:<br /><br />EE is right: “Actually, this is so all-over-the-place that nothing's clear.” You must explain why the FBI asks for help from a pawnshop owner, and why the FBI is involved in a diamond theft in Russia. Also, concentrate on the main conflict not both the PtG diamonds and the secret diamond mines.<br /><br />The query is about the right size and focuses on the MC, which is good.<br /><br />I don't think your second paragraph adds anything to the query. <br /><br />The phrase “you never know what's coming through the door” is taken directly from the History Channel show Pawn Stars. You should not do that.<br /><br />Get control of your modifiers. Usually a double modifier is weaker than a single modifier:<br />> cold blooded and ruthless → ruthless, works better. <br />> mysterious FBI agent → FBI agent, does it matter in the query if the FBI agent is mysterious and if you don't explain how an FBI agent is mysterious, better not to mention it.<br />>irreverent Flynn “What?” How is the MC irreverent? Was it the FBI or the Vatican that wants his help? <br /><br />Occasionally you tell the reader what to think. “Mayhem ensues” If you say this, you must support it with specifics. Readers hate being told what to think. And if you provide specifics, you need not summarize. <br /><br />So Flynn is a pawnbroker but his store is for ladies shoes and handbags. This doesn't make sense. <br /><br />“...there is an evil secret in the backroom” Huh? You say this and then drop it. If there is an evil secret, spill it in the query. Are you certain it was the back room and not the bathroom? Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83732413023237031302015-08-04T19:33:23.210-04:002015-08-04T19:33:23.210-04:00"For your consideration" sounds like the..."For your consideration" sounds like the summing up at the end of the old Twilight Zone episodes.<br /><br />"For your consideration-- a pawn shop where Mr. Antonov found a little more than he was looking for. It exists somewhere in... the Twilight Zone."<br /><br />This all sounds a bit confusing. Pick one character and stick with him in every sentence.alaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.com